Film Year: 1982
Genre: Horror, Science Fiction, Fantasy...I guess
Director: Tommy Lee Wallace
Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacy Nelkin, Dan O'Herlihy
The Movie
*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*
I hate the Halloween season. It's not a hatred for the holiday, mind you, but rather something that always seems to happen annually. There is not a year that goes by where some hipster tells me my dislike of Halloween III: Season of the Witch is "wrong" and then goes on a long winded "correction" of my opinion on how I "just don't like the movie because it doesn't have Michael Myers."
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
I want to make my stance on this very clear. From my perspective, there are no good sequels to Halloween. There are enjoyable sequels, but that's not the same thing. I'll admit that Halloween 4 and H20 are "fine." They don't excel at anything, but they're competent and have entertaining elements. Curse of Michael Myers and Resurrection fall on that "so bad it's funny" scale for me, and I'll be honest and say there are days I'd rather watch both over even the original. Rob Zombie's remake is well made and has sequences that are pretty great, but is mostly unpleasant to watch. The recent 2018 reboot has some great cinematography, but a script that's a fucking disaster. Halloween 5 and Zombie's Halloween II are both trash.
But what of Halloween III? Do I dislike this movie because it doesn't have Michael Myers? No. I dislike it because it's a terrible movie, and not even a fun terrible movie. To be honest, the film is a fucking chore. Maybe on a good day I'll say "at least it's better than Halloween 5" but I'd rather have a rectal exam than to watch either if I'm being completely honest.
Here's the thing, I like the idea of Halloween being an anthology series. I would have loved so much for this idea to have hit it off. This idea was doomed to failure for two reasons however. First, Halloween II had already been made with the storyline continued from the first film, establishing that this was a slasher series during the decade where slasher movies were hot. Second is the movie itself, which has interesting ideas behind it but is just an overall dull experience. Even if this were Halloween II I couldn't see this series lasting beyond this movie.
So the story of this movie sees a doughy doctor investigating the murder of a patient linked to a mask he was clutching in his hands. He and the patient's hot daughter track the mask back to the factory, where they bang in a motel while plans are set into motion to turn children's heads into cockroaches on Halloween night by putting...Stonehenge into...masks...and...watching TV...or something.
Okay, I will admit there are ideas in this movie that I liked. I like the idea of a madman using Halloween night to revert all the candy giving back to the eve's Celtic roots. What I don't dig is that in trying to give the range of the plan a wider scale that they went techno thriller on it. There's a mild attempt to ape Invasion of the Body Snatchers here, but then they go batty and try to infuse a bit of Westworld in it as well. I love Westworld as much as the next guy, but it's not exactly what I would call a movie I can watch on Halloween. Does this movie really need robots? Why? I can deal with Halloween III being different than the original, but I disagree with the direction they took this story.
The movie is so dull, and the direction is so lifeless. Arguably the film's best scene, featuring a child with a melting mask, is flat out ruined by lackluster performances and bland execution. The movie has no pulse, it moves like molasses, and I just get sick of it after twenty minutes. It's not suspenseful, it's not involving, it's just an agony booth of nothing. Probably the most telling line of the movie involves a slab of Stonehenge in a laboratory, which is laughed off as "You wouldn't believe how we got it here!" I'm sure the writer thinks he's being cheeky, but it's just a mask for poor writing. And that mask just melts right off.
So there. That's my thoughts on this movie. You can claim I hate this movie for superficial reasons that have been projected on me all you want, but two can play at that game. If I wanted to I could say the only reason this movie has been re-evaluated is because people like the idea that it's different and like the idea of the direction of the series and this aspect is more memorable than the movie itself. But I'm not going to say that, because that would be glossing over experiences of this movie relating to the individual. For all I know there are genuine aspects that other people respond to that I do not, nor can I fathom. Just like I have reasons of my own for not liking it that are perfectly valid to myself.
Now, I just want ONE Halloween without this debate, so let this be the last time I have to say anything about this movie for a while.
The Riff
After breezing through all of their Friday the 13th riffs I can safely say I've taken a liking to the Hor-RIFF-ic Productions team, though I'm not entirely sure if I've anticipated a riff of Halloween III: Season of the Witch or not. Sure I dislike the movie, but I've learned a long time ago that just simply not liking a movie doesn't equate to riff material. I'd say there is probably more to be mined from Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers personally, which is livelier and funnier. Season of the Witch is long, draggy, and quite dull.
Gary, Erin, and Satan actually did something I didn't expect and they made Halloween III fun. I don't know how they did it, but somehow they kept the energy up in the room enough to make me pay attention to a movie that has bored me to tears every time I've tried to watch it. Well done sir, madam, and unholy beast!
OCTOBER
"Well I kinda figured that, what with it being 'Halloween' and all..."
SATURDAY THE 23RD
"...oh...I did not see that coming..."
It seems like the secret weapon the group breaks out is Tom Atkins protagonist. He comes under fire constantly over being not an ideal hero: hard drinkin' and a bit doughy. They never come out and say it, but I'll make the comparison and say he's this movie's Zap Rowsdower. Other riffs target unlikable characters, the odd plot twists and convoluted evil plan, and just various plot holes that rear their ugly head. And then there are the robots, which are pure riff gold. The climactic getaway with Tom Atkins and a robot in his car is just laughter heaven.
Probably the big fear I had about this riff was an over abundance of "Where's Michael Myers?" riffs, which I wasn't looking forward to but bracing myself for. The riff does start out with a fair share of them, including a humorous intro where they claim they chose Halloween III because they wanted to get to the meat of Michael Myers murder spree. When they do break out the riff, it's spread out fairly evenly for about a half hour, until they admit defeat and accept he isn't going to be in this movie. They jump this movie a few times after that for not having him, but they're few and far between. Thank you Hor-RIFF-ic for showing restraint and not falling into the amateurish pitfall that other riff groups would have been tempted into.
Hor-RIFF-ic is quickly becoming a favorite group of mine. They have an affection for the format as well as the films they watch and they just seem to know how to deliver a good time to the audience. Halloween III defied the odds and turned a labor of a film into a brisk one that actually makes me want to watch the film again. With the proper commentary track, of course.
Classic
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