Blood Sucking Freaks (The Last Drive-In)

Film Year:  1976
Genre:  ?
Director:  Joel M. Reed
Starring:  Lots and lots of boobs...being chopped off

The Movie

Oh boy.

This strange little flick features an "artist" who performs on stage by making naked women crawl out as he tortures and dismembers them in front of an audience.  The audience thinks it's all an illusion, but spoiler alert, it isn't.  He actually kidnaps and mentally breaks women and turns them into his slaves, and he just chops pieces off of them for fun (and he has a seemingly endless amount of them).  When a critic refuses to review his "performance," he kidnaps the critic and a ballet dancer, as he mentally breaks the dancer to murder the critic on stage by kicking his face in.

After watching this movie, I'm curious where the genre phrase "torture porn" originated from.  Because if it should describe any movie, it should be Blood Sucking Freaks, which is almost nothing but torture and erotica, with completely nude women littering its run time and being dismembered, simply because the movie can.

There's a certain...I don't want to say allure, but there's something about Blood Sucking Freaks that makes it almost interesting even if it isn't enjoyable.  The premise of the film involves a group of "artists" whose form of "art" is torturing and chopping up nude girls in creative ways, and not reacting well when told by a critic that their form of "art" isn't art.  This almost seems like a meta commentary on itself, as the film seems to stare its viewer squarely in the eye and dare them to declare what it's doing isn't art.  Expression can come in many forms, and if the film is trying to state something with its crass display of gore and nudity (often in the same scene), I'm not sure what it is.  But whatever that statement is, they certainly seem confident enough in executing it.

Maybe it's a boldness to the film that I admire, because it isn't shy.  It is everything it sets out to be, and you are either disgusted by it or curious about it.  It can fall either way, and I don't blame anybody for having either reaction.  I spent most of this movie asking myself "Why is this movie a thing?" and tilting my head sideways, with a desire to learn more.  There likely isn't much of an answer to that, as my suspicion is that all that's on Blood Sucking Freaks' mind is blood and boobs.

Well...you can't say it didn't deliver.

The Drive-In

We have Darcy to thank for this episode's guest host, professional wrestler Chris Jericho.  Jericho personally selected this movie for his guest spot, claiming he and some friends had a bad movie club when they were younger and this was one of his personal favorite finds.  One can't say the movie isn't memorable, though his enthusiasm for it is almost infectious.  He especially seems intrigued by the women who are slaughtered, which he deduces counteracts the movie's horrifying violence because they don't seem too bothered by the idea of being chopped up into pieces.

While Jericho has a fondness for the movie, he doesn't know much about it.  This is where Joe Bob comes into play, who has a ton of information on director Joel M. Reed, who specialized in skin flicks just a sleazy as this and even dated Batgirl herself Yvonne Craig (I am super jealous).  He also talks about the enigmatic cast, most of which were onstage thespians, and how most had unfortunate ends, leading to talk of this movie having a "curse."  As for all the naked women, they were a mixture of porn stars and college co-eds who were glad to shed their clothes for a few hundred bucks.

Jericho is surprisingly a good guest host, because he always has some sort of comment on what's transpiring and has enough curiosity to set up Joe Bob for an info dump.  Topics spring from odd lines of dialogue (such as the allusion that the women are used as urinals as well) and even the film's original title, The Incredible Torture Show (with one hell of an appropriate acronym), all the way to discussion how there is only one "blood sucking freak" in the film.  There's even the small tidbit that Oliver Stone was on set at some point!  JESUS!  Jericho closes out the episode with a musical number, which is...um...

It's hard to recommend this episode to passive audiences, because this movie is on the more extreme end of what Joe Bob offers.  But rabid fans of The Last Drive-In will know what they're in for and will jump in willingly.  The one thing I can say for certain is that who ever did the breast count in this movie probably should have gotten a bonus.  76 BREASTS!

Joe Bob's Rating

⭐⭐⭐1/2

Chopping Mall (The Last Drive-In)

Film Year:  1986
Genre:  Horror
Director:  Jim Wynorski
Starring:  Kelli Maroney, Tony O'Dell, John Terleski, Russell Todd, Karrie Emerson, Barbara Crampton, Suzee Slater, Nick Segal

The Movie

From the visionary director of Munchie, The Return of Swamp Thing, and The Bare Wench Project comes this unsung classic from early in his career.  Several couples are determined to have sex in a mall after hours, unaware that the mall's security guard robots are malfunctioning and killing everyone in sight.

I've heard of this movie before but I have never seen it, even though it seems like a movie I should have watched ages ago.  Let me tell you what, this movie is amazing.  It's such a nonsensical parade of sex and violence.  The main characters have no reason to sneak into a mall and have an orgy, they just do, because they also don't have a reason to not do it.  The robots don't really have a reason to go berserk, they just do because...KILL ALL HUMANS!

Chopping Mall is astonishingly simple, astonishingly silly, and I have a hard time picturing why you average genre fan wouldn't have fun with it.  It's a dumb, breezy fun, with exploding heads and pyrotechnics that look surprisingly good on the cheap.  The robots are somehow both intimidating and adorable.  I just want to give this movie a hug, because it's the type of goofball movie that appeals to my single digit IQ brain.

The Drive-In

The Drive-In is back, motherfuckers!  The double features have returned for another ten week run, conveniently right in the middle of a pandemic quarantine.  What better way to hide from Covid-19 than to watch teenagers getting slaughtered?  And what a better way to open it than a Joe Bob rant on incels and sex robots!  (Though I'd note that if large amounts of single, horny men are stuck in quarantine, the last thing you'd want to do is take away their sex dolls)

Joe Bob opens this new season with a special guest star, Kelli Maroney.  She discusses her time as an 80's sex symbol/jailbait symbol and her time working on the film.  She also addresses the rumors that she was only cast in the movie because director Jim Wynorski wanted to date her and shoots down Wynorski's claim that he slept with all his leading ladies.

Speaking of Wynorski, Joe Bob talks in depth about his career, and how he started working for Roger Coreman and New Horizons.  Darcy even reveals that she was almost cast in one of his softcore skin flicks (The Devil Wears Nada), but declined before finding out Wynorski was directing.  There is some great mojo flying around making this fun movie even more of a blast.

Also, Darcy confirms women don't talk about vagina depth nearly as much as men talk about penis length.  It's not a thing.

Joe Bob's Rating

⭐⭐1/2

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume XXVI DVD Retrospective

Release Date:  March 26, 2013

Buy it here!

Featuring the following episodes:
The Magic Sword
Alien from L.A.
Danger!!  Death Ray
The Mole People

There is almost a theme to this set, at least there seems to be an attempt to sway it.  There are three fantasy adventure movies here, two of which involve explorers venturing into caverns and stumbling upon underground civilizations, but then there is a spy movie thrown in.  Diversity?  Those who love episodes that sway fantasy may want to pick up this set, and the good news is that the odd man out episode is arguably the funniest episode of the bunch, making it worth checking out as well.

That odd duck episode is Danger!!  Death Ray, a fabulous bit of fakey nonsense that is too delicious to pass up.  Those who love the spy caper episodes will definitely want to add this treasure to their collection, because it is probably the best of the bunch.  Depending on how you like your silly fantasy films, the runner-up episode is a toss up between The Magic Sword and Alien from L.A.  I lean toward Alien, because I have an affection for those crappy 80's kids movies that try desperately to be hip, though I won't argue to hard if one held a preference for Magic Sword.  The Mole People comes up the rear, with a movie too dreary to keep up with the other films in this set, but it has a few laughs.

Average Rating (out of 4):  3

Picture quality on these releases tended to be somewhat problematic, but nothing worth raising a huge fuss over as the episodes are perfectly watchable.  The one good transfer of the set is Magic Sword, which is pretty great.  Audio is excellent across the board.  On the extras side, we have MST royalty in the house!  Director Bert I. Gordon, who directed eight films featured on the show, is here to talk about his career!  What a treat!  Also here is Alien from L.A. director Albert Pyun, who has a few interesting stories about working on the Cannon production, and there is a pretty good documentary on the making of Mole People, called Of Mushrooms and Madmen.  Life After MST3K is back, this time focusing on former host Michael J. Nelson, who discusses his novels, Timmy Big Hands, and, of course, his titanic riffing project Rifftrax.  MST Hour wraps are provided for Magic Sword, and all four movies have theatrical trailers.

Aesthetically, it's yet another Shout Factory box set with the stock art of the logo in the upper left corner, theater seats at the bottom, and a roman numeral in the center.  The slim cases inside the set, as always, have the good stuff, with art by Steve Vance (and mini-posters of each).  The Magic Sword features Tom Servo as our heroic lead, wielding the titular sword, while Crow plays Basil Rathbone's villain, looming over him in a castle tower.  Alien from L.A. has Crow as Wanda running from a TV screen that has Servo with an eyepatch searching for her.  Danger!!  Death Ray features Crow as heroic spy Bart Fargo, while Servo, as the villain, shoots the peaceful death ray at him.  The Mole People is an image of intrepid explorers Crow and Servo being dragged under the earth by the Mole People.  Disc art is once again Shout's standard episode logo against a starry backdrop.

Menus once again put together little sketches inspired by each episode.  The Magic Sword features Crow and Servo fawning over Estelle Winwood through an opening in the film's set.  Alien from L.A. features the two Bots driving a buggy through the underground tunnels and stumbling upon Kathy Ireland.  Danger!!  Death Ray has Crow and Servo playing with the death ray, while Bart Fargo invades the Satellite of Love, shooting out all the cameras in the theater doorways.  Mole People is a funny little bit that has Servo and Crow exploring caverns, only to have the Mole People drag Crow underground.

The bottom line is that the episode line-up is pretty solid, and there are some big laughs in Volume XXVI, with Danger!!  Death Ray being the big must own of the set.  It's hard to imagine anybody being too disappointed with picking this one up, though it does end on a bit of a slow note with Mole People.  But it's amusement factor is constant, and the bonuses are delicious.  I say pick it up!

516-Alien from L.A.

Film Year:  1988
Genre:  Fantasy, Adventure
Director:  Albert Pyun
Starring:  Kathy Ireland, William R. Moses, Richard Haines, Don Michael Paul, Thom Matthews, Janet Du Plessis, Simon Poland
MST Season:  5

The Movie

Craaaaaaaaaaaaazy!

Early in my online fanhood of Mystery Science Theater there always seemed to be a bit of ire for this particular movie from fans of the series older than myself, citing it as being obnoxious and unwatchable.  Being a teenager with only solid access to episodes from the Sci-Fi era meant I was a few years off from seeing this episode, though when I finally saw it, I wondered why people put up such a big fuss about it.  I thought it was simple and cheap, but nothing too noteworthy.  It eventually hit me that I've adapted myself to the certain type of bad movie making that the 80's were known for as I was born in that era and grew up with it.  Fans older than myself grew up in a different era of bad movies of which triggers their nostalgia over this example from out of their time.  These fans can say they kind of liked movies like Moon Zero Two or Village of the Giants.  I do not.  Alien from L.A., on the other hand, I am kind of charmed by.  It's a generational aesthetic thing.

This doesn't make Alien from L.A. a good movie, but as someone who grew up renting videos in the video store from the family section, it's a typical one of its type and I've seen too many movies like it to single this particular one out.  I was raised on this 80's crap, and its worst instincts are something I grew an immunity to and play along with.

The movie is about Wanda Saknussemm (get the reference?), a nerdy girl who is dumped by her boyfriend for being too nerdy and not hot enough.  Soon after, Wanda's father is reported dead and she flies to Africa to find out what happened.  Her quest leads her underground...no, literally underground...as she stumbles into tunnels and pops out near the city of Atlantis, which is not at the bottom of the ocean but at the center of the Earth for some reason.  She is deemed an "alien" from the world above, and is considered a threat to Atlantis.

The film is inspired by Jules Verne's novel Journey to the Center of the Earth, and by "inspired" I mean they took a concept of another world inside of our own and did something completely different.  Granted, it's been a while since I read Journey in school, but Alien from L.A. doesn't share a lot with it.  Wanda's surname is a reference to the novel, but that's about all they have in common.

Wanda is played by supermodel Kathy Ireland in her silver screen debut.  The film goes for a rather traditional "nerdy girl is really hot when she lets her hair down" narrative.  Attempts to make Ireland look frumpy are mostly a failure, as Ireland's distinctly chiseled facial features always makes it clear this is an attractive girl no matter how thick the glasses she wears are.  It's rather clear that those glasses and baggy clothing aren't up to the task of hiding the fact that she's a total knockout, so Ireland tries to de-sexify herself by adopting a very high voice for the character.  It's this voice that seems to break most people, as Wanda is a chatterbox and we constantly have to hear her hit that high note.  Your ears will strain to a breaking point.

The film is directed by Albert Pyun, best known today as the director of the early Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle Cyborg and the best left forgotten early 90's incarnation of Marvel's Captain America.  To give Pyun credit, he flexes his budget rather well.  The film never doesn't look cheap, but it has an ambitious fantasy story that features a decently established new world built from the ground up (or the ground down, so to speak).  Though Pyun does have the tendency to utilize quite a few garish colors and unflattering camera angles, which doesn't do the film any favors.

Despite the odds, somehow the film has a sequel, though I'm not sure the film should be proud to have that honor.  Apparently the Cannon Films company, which made Alien from L.A., attempted another spin on Journey to the Center of the Earth, keeping the novel's title, the following year, though production wound up being a disaster.  Alien from L.A. director Pyun was brought on board to try and salvage it and he wound up turning it into a sequel to this film, complete with a supporting role by Kathy Ireland.  I haven't seen the movie, but most accounts say it's worse than Alien from L.A.  I'd prefer to leave my crappy nostalgia trip that I kind of enjoy but kind of admit sucks movie untainted, thank you.

The Episode

"The Hot Indiana Jones Chronicles."

Dr. Forrester and Frank seem a bit jazzed about finally inflicting a Cannon film upon Mike and the Bots.  Of course, Cannon has a rich history of bad, low budget movies in their library, including Superman IV:  The Quest for Peace, Masters of the Universe, Cobra, and a shit ton of movies starring Chuck Norris.  Instead we're given this light fantasy film with that high-pitched main character.  It's that voice that Mike and the Bots latch onto, and it's really all they can do, because it's so damn prevalent in the film.  Wanda is never not talking, so the go to joke is to either joke about her voice or to try and imitate it with insert dialogue.  If you can't take the voice, then this episode might be a slog, but I think they do good work.  I sit back and enjoy the ride after they give off a killer jab as Wanda wonders why her boyfriend is breaking up with her, only to have Tom Servo explain "It's your helium addiction."

Sometimes it's refreshing to get to riffs that aren't Wanda-based, but even still, they do play a lot with other character voices, of which many are over-the-top.  Their favorite seems to be the closest thing the film has to a male lead, an Atlantean miner with a thick Australian accent that can come and go.  Other voices are just as animated, though not as broad, and riffs constantly flow to mock these characters.  The worldbuilding of the film itself also comes a bit under fire, but this is primarily a vocal mocking.

Kathy Ireland also takes up most of the host segments, with a fun sketch based on her emotional range shown in the film being a favorite of mine ("Dull surprise!").  She also inspires the catchy song of "My Wild Irish Ireland" and an enthusiastic guessing game of supermodels.  Moving outside of Ireland, the opening segment is a rather fun sketch featuring Crow as a drill sergeant, while the Invention Exchange has the hilarious Vend-A-Gut and the moderate Fridge Udders ("Teets!").

Like a number of MST episodes, Alien from L.A. depends a bit on how well you tolerate the movie.  The movie reminds me of those glorious days of being a child where I would rent an awful movie from the video store and not realize it was awful because all movies were a treat.  The riffing compliments the film fairly well, though it does play up the aspects most are going to find obnoxious about it.  If one has an affection for 80's fantasy cheese, then Alien from L.A. is an easy recommendation.  If not, you might want to give it a shot to see if it's as funny as I think it is.

Good

The DVD

The Alien from L.A. invaded our underground civilization on Shout Factory's Volume XXVI release.  Audio was pretty good, while the video was slightly flawed, though not bothersomely so.  The extras were highlighted by an interview with director Albert Pyun.  He recounts how he started working for Cannon, the origins of the story, casting Kathy Ireland, and claims that he hasn't seen the MST episode, seemingly a little afraid of it.  He seems like a good guy overall.  Also featured is a trailer for the film.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Rifftrax)

Film Year:  2011
Genre:  Science Fiction, Drama
Director:  Rupert Wyatt
Starring:  Andy Serkis, James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton
Rifftrax Year:  2012
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

In this second reboot of the Planet of the Apes series (oh, I'm sorry Tim Burton, your shit film was a "re-imagining"), we explore the origins of talking apes and, to a lesser extent, the beginning of the near extinction of mankind.  Scientific experiments seeking a cure Alzheimer's on a chimp named Bright Eyes results in her giving birth to a super intelligent ape child named Caesar.  Bright Eyes panics in protection of her newborn, which results in her death and the shelving of the formula used to boost her intellect.  Upon discovering Caesar, head research scientist Will Rodman (James Franco) takes him home and raises him, as he continues the formula experiments on his ill father.  But when Caesar's protective nature gets him in trouble with the authorities, Caesar is taken into custody and put in a facility to house apes.  Caesar's time away from home hardens him, as he bonds with his fellow apes and becomes a leader figure.  Caesar and his apes plan a jailbreak to free themselves into the forest.

I've been a Planet of the Apes fan since I was very young, having watched the original five films many, many times in my youth (fuck Star Wars, I was all about the Apes).  I had seen the Tim Burton film in theaters and was like "nope."  I went into the idea of a second with a bit of hesitance, with news of the film coming out and myself just giving a little shrug.  Then they released trailers for the film and I was like "Oh yeah, this is a thing that's happening."  Rise of the Planet of the Apes is probably one of the most surprisingly not terrible movies of the last decade.

Despite using more extravagant special effects methods in this take on the POTA saga, the film stays humbly a character drama, as opposed to the 2001 film which was just eye candy.  Casting at times can raise an eyebrow, though usually less restrained performers of James Franco and John Lithgow actually give great performances here (though the less said about former Harry Potter actor Tom Felton the better).  But the actor this film belongs to is Andy Serkis, who plays Caesar.  His second simian performance (after King Kong in 2005), Serkis's mostly pantomime performance (spoiler alert:   apes eventually talk in a Planet of the Apes movie...just not right away) is an acting achievement worth seeing.  His facial expressions always make Caesar's emotions and thoughts clear, even if he can't verbally express them.

Serkis is only the tip of the iceberg, as all the apes are actors in mocap outfits performing for a digital character, and everyone else is just as impressive, even if they aren't given the same opportunity to shine.  CGI is pretty good, even if it is inconsistent when characters are in motion.  But that was something a lot of Weta company CGI suffered from at the time dating all the way back to Lord of the Rings.

If the human story doesn't seem all that compelling, remember that this movie belongs to the apes.  And the apes deliver in this movie, successfully rebooting one of the best film franchises ever.  Most seem to agree that the sequels are even better than this one, though personally I find Dawn of the Planet of the Apes a dully acted slog, though I concede War for the Planet of the Apes is quite fabulous.  Though, whatever the future of this franchise held for it, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a quaint surprise when it was released.  It's easy to forget just how refreshing it was.

The Trax

When this riff hit my rotation, I wasn't too enthused.  To me this was another example of Rifftrax overlooking films that would benefit from a riff commentary more and take aim at the popular film of the month.  Was there a creative reason that Rise of the Planet of the Apes received a riff while Tim Burton's 2001 Planet of the Apes film didn't?  Even a riff of Battle for the Planet of the Apes would have been a more welcome announcement to me.

Jumping into the riff, I started to feel like this one was going to make for a bland Trax, as the opening scenes play out with cute comments, but not a real laugh in sight.  But I think I let my guard down, and then in the scene where James Franco asks the board for permission for human trials, Mike busts out the line "We've spiked your coffee with the drug.  Let us know how it works out for you." and I got my first real laugh of the riff.  Then the film returned to more tepid amusement before returning to some more consistent laughs.  Then it drops again, and then it rises, before dropping again.  During many of the early moments where I found myself laughing, I thought to myself "If they can keep this up, this could be a good one."  But it becomes clear about halfway through that they can't maintain momentum.  It pretty much returns to that slightly amusing feeling from its lowest moments throughout the remainder of the film.

I don't really think Rise of the Planet of the Apes gives them much to work with.  Granted, it's a silly sci-fi movie with a lot of apes, but it's a fairly straightforward drama that doesn't do anything relatively crazy with its runtime.  And this is the Planet of the Apes franchise.  Crazy is its business.  This is the franchise that had a bunch of chimps pull a destroyed space capsule out of the ocean, learn how it works over the span of a few days, decide to launch themselves into space just before the Earth blows up, only for the explosion to push them back in time to the 1970's.  I'd argue there is probably more to riff on in virtually any other Planet of the Apes movie over this one.  A lot of the more successful zingers that Mike, Kevin, and Bill offer take aim at some of the film's sillier melodrama, like Caesar's biting off a neighbor's finger then becoming upset:  "It was terrible!  That bad man put his finger in my mouth and broke it off!"  I also enjoyed some of the jabs at the film's willy nilly time passing sections early on, such as a montage with Caesar swinging on a tree in the forest:  "What?  They've been in that park for five years waiting for their monkey?"

The best moments of Rise of the Planet of the Apes made me long for the entire riff to be just as good as those moments.  But toward the end, I found my attention drifting.  It's not a bad riff, but it feels like they're just riffing in the wrong direction by picking this movie at all.  I will profess admiration that the riff is more restrained than I thought it would be.  I expected there to be more poo-flinging jokes, a lot of Harry Potter references when Tom Felton is onscreen, and more references to classic Planet of the Apes films.  Instead they restrict themselves to a handful, and the ones they do select are pretty funny, such as having Felton say "Engorgio!" upon seeing Freida Pinto for the first time, or Caesar's urging of James Franco to march into Pinto's "Forbidden Zone."  There seems to be some ideas on how to make this riff work, but they don't build upon them in a successful way.

Note:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes has a very early mid-credit scene.  Stick with the riff for a minute after the film ends for more riffing.

Average

Farm Family in Autumn (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2017
Riffers:  Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl

The second film in the wildly popular Farm Family series, where a video crew apparently planted themselves on some farm somewhere in Wisconsin and spied on a family doing farm and family stuff.  Because everyone wants to see that.  This episode in the Farm Family saga concentrates on the children, including narrator Steve, his brother Dale, and sister Pam, as they go through the fall season on their farm, and all the hard work that comes with it.  They also start up school and carve pumpkins for Halloween, all in addition to all the exciting and fun chores they have to do throughout the day.

Such thrilling cinema.  I can't catch my breath.

Farm Family is an educational series that tries to teach children about the rewards of hard work, though it really just makes them daydream about video games.  Autumn, in general, is such a dreary season that it's hard to get too enthused about anything this short is showing us.  It's a series of tiresome images in a scenery of dying grass and plants, and it makes me very sleepy.  And the fact that it's narrated by a child that sounds like he was just given a line card and a microphone and told to "Read!" doesn't help matters.  Farm Family in Autumn is a house that I don't want to visit, really.

Bridget and Mary Jo comment upon this short with that city slicker vinegar of theirs, mocking the hard work on display with a devilishly smug attitude, with snide comments of not having time for play because "The leaves need to be raked, and that's in your spare time!"  They have some fun with the family interaction, which falls so dull that the short tries to pass off grandpa seeing a deer as "exciting," leaving Bridget to observe "Is this grandpa nuts?  It's Wisconsin!  The school bus hits one at least once a day!"  There is also a fun sequence of the kids making Jack O' Lanterns that underlines the theme of disconnect between city folk and the humble farmer, but it's a funny disconnect that's worth listening to.  After all, us non-farmers are very proud of the fact that we're soft, have no callouses, don't work from dawn till dusk, and get fatter and fatter.

Thumbs Up

👍