Genre: Adventure, Spy
Director: Jeannot Szwarc
Starring: Roy Thinnes, France Nuyen, Gilbert Lani Kauhi, Ian McShane
MST Season: 6
Featured Short: "A Day at the Fair"
The Short
This short film replicates the fair experience...you know, something you could actually go out and do yourself, but here you are, sitting around and watching other people doing outside activities so you don't have to. Follow this family (with a little kid named Johnny, who, unlike the other Johnny at the Fair, doesn't get lost) around as they visit the exhibits, enter a cow competition, and ride some rides.
All in all, it's an accurate representation of the fair. What exactly does this short accomplish? Does the fair experience really need to be sold, or was this shown during winter in which fairs are all packed away for the year? Don't know, but it's not untruthful, so it's harmless.
The Movie
Hawaii. If there is any US state that's a tourist trap, it's that one. Maybe it's undermining it's wonderful culture and exotic locals, but it's an attention grabber, and its tourist industry is both massive and bank breaking. It's really no wonder that the television series Hawaii Five-0 was a ratings smash throughout the 70's, which was a basic cop show with that gorgeous Hawaiian backdrop to trick viewers into thinking it was something special. There is very little doubt that rival networks wanted in on that success and looked into maybe courting their own shows set in Hawaii.
Enter Code Name: Diamond Head, which is a proposal for a basic spy show in Hawaii. It sucked balls, so no series was ordered. This featured a man named Johnny Paul in Hawaii, secretly an undercover agent named "Diamond Head," who is assigned to stop a villain from putting on fake mustaches and stealing a toxic gas.
Interestingly enough, this film was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, who wound up in a career in television like Diamond Head suggests, but soon after this pilot tried to transition to the big screen franchises with Jaws 2 and Supergirl. He's not an untalented director (Jaws 2, in particular, is a pretty exciting monster flick), but Diamond Head doesn't show much flair. It doesn't really stretch beyond convention and the shooting style is basic TV drama, with little to no kinetic energy.
Diamond Head could be saved with strong character work, though Roy Thinnes is about as vanilla a lead as you can ask for. I found myself enjoying his Hawaiian native sidekicks more, leaving me wondering why a show set in Hawaii can't star actual Hawaiians instead of a generic white guy, which I think would add to the exotic appeal of a series like this. Of course, that's complaining about 1970's racial politics in Hollywood over forty years later, and it's not like this thing was successful, so it doesn't matter in the long run.
I did enjoy seeing a young Ian McShane as the film's villain. MST was quick to point out he's "That guy from Lovejoy," though most of us today know him as "That guy from Deadwood and John Wick."
Interesting Trivia Note: While looking up info for this film I accidentally wound up on a page of a 1963 movie also called Diamond Head also starring France Nuyen. I was confused for a second, thinking to myself "I didn't see Charlton Heston in this movie," before realizing it was an entirely different movie.
The Episode
"Code Name: Cubic Zirconium Head." (The obvious joke, they went for it, and it was still funny)
The long and short about Code Name: Diamond Head is that it falls into the same trap that Stranded in Space fell into. The riffing is a pretty solid swing at this movie, but the movie fails to really hold up its end of the relationship. It's a flat TV pilot for a TV series that never happened, and it's pretty clear why the series never sold. Pilots like these are an uphill battle in my mind, because they're bad television at best and boring television at worst, only repackaged as a TV movie to get some sort of return on what resources the company put into it. You can be funny in the moment, and this episode is in moments, but you eventually have to snap back into reality and realize you're watching something that just isn't engaging. All things considered, the riffing of Diamond Head is a gung ho fight against a current of blandness that's fighting back, and I guess they deserve at least some credit for not getting washed away. That being said, Diamond Head is not something I'm itching to rewatch, so while they survive the battle, the trauma of it still remains.
"This is the fair ground, where the fair is held."
"Any questions so far?"
Fairing better is the short, A Day at the Fair, which is a pleasant short outing for the series, which sees small delights in making fun of the excitement over quaint activities. Probably the biggest laughs of the short come in the mid portion where the family participates in small competitions, like a bake off where the narrator ponders "Judging cakes ought to be fun!" but Servo takes one look at the judge and adds on "But this woman sucks the joy out of it!" But my biggest howl comes at the end of the cow judgment, where the winner's owner stands up and the narrator notes in a then-progressive tone "The blue ribbon goes to a girl!" causing Crow to shout "THE COWS ARE FURIOUS!"
There is an interesting theme to the host segments, in which Servo and Crow seem a little disgruntled with Mike for various reasons, but Magic Voice intervenes and shows them various visions of what Mike would be like if he were someone else who was more annoying. It has vibes of Appreciating Our Parents, and the phony scenarios it displays are pretty funny.
Boasting a good short, pretty good host segments, and a game commentary, Code Name: Diamond Head is mostly let down by the tediousness of the film at the center. Those who have an affinity for failed pilots like this may enjoy this episode the most, and those who tend to ignore the film's flow and watch solely for the riffs may wind up thinking a bit more highly of it. I admit being a tad skewed because the movie isn't my bag, though the boredom is real, and I can't deny it.
Average
The DVD
Code Name: Diamond Head was released on Shout Factory's Volume XXIII box set. Audio was good, though video flaws are abundant. There are a pair of featurettes here, lead by Codename: Quinn Martin, which sees historian Johnathan Etters discussing the man behind the declaration "A Quinn Martin Production" and his role behind Code Name: Diamond Head, The Fugitive, The Untouchables, and The Invaders, which starred Diamond Head's Roy Thinnes. Fans of classic television will want to check it out. The second feature is the first installment of the Life After MST3K series, this one centered on Kevin Murphy. Kevin discusses his desire to stay in Minnesota after MST's cancellation, writing his book A Year at the Movies, the Timmy Big Hands website, the Adventures of Edward the Less webseries, creating The Film Crew, which begat his involvement in Rifftrax.
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