Ghost Rider (Rifftrax Presents)

Film Year:  2007
Genre:  Superhero, Action, Horror
Director:  Mark Steven Johnson
Starring:  Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Wes Bentley, Sam Elliot, Donal Logue, Peter Fonda
Rifftrax Year:  2009
Riffers:  Blame Society (Aaron Yonda, Matt Sloan, Nicolas Kage AKA Jason Stevens)

The Movie

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*

I was one of the few people who really liked the Daredevil movie.  While the film had a few flaws I could name off the top of my head, the hatred leveled at it always seemed like a pure hyperbole bandwagon.  The movie has a lot of great stuff in it, but it's buried in a clunky visual execution.  I've watched it many times over the years and I only find myself becoming more fond of it.

So by 2007 I was very willing to see what Daredevil director Mark Steven Johnson had cooked up for Ghost Rider.  It was a very dismaying experience.  Ghost Rider deserves every word of hate leveled at it.

Based on the Marvel comic, Ghost Rider stars Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze, a stuntman who sold his soul to the Devil (humorously enough played by Easy Rider star Peter Fonda) through deception.  In return his services are kept on demand by Satan as a bounty hunter to hunt down escapees from Hell.  When the son of the Devil, Blackheart (Wes Bentley, in a slightly more dignified role than The Hunger Games), escapes Hell to conquer the world, the Dark Lord becomes jealous and demands he return.  Ghost Rider is called upon to chase down Blackheart, all the while he tries to woo Eva Mendes.  Because of course he would.  Who isn't trying to woo Eva Mendes?

The most disappointing thing about Ghost Rider for me is that for an action movie there is very little action in it.  Most big spectacle scenes with lots of effects pumped into them usually involve Ghost Rider pointing at the enemy, screaming, then staring at them to death.  Every once in a while he'll swing his chain around, but it doesn't really do much with it.  The only real satisfying Ghost Rider setpiece in the film is a chase scene between Ghost Rider and the cops, in which we get to see him ride his crazy flaming motorcycle.

Outside of the superheroics, the film tries an odd combo tone between romantic comedy, neo-western, and horror.  While the genre mash-up is commendable, the result gives us actors who all feel like they're acting in totally separate movies than the other.  Performances are hammy all over the place and none of them seem to work with each other.  Nicolas Cage, for once in his life, is actually the most subdued person here.  This is something he would correct in the much maligned sequel, Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance.  But say what you will about that trashy film, it's much more fun to watch than this one.

Ghost Rider is still one of the most disappointing superhero films I've ever seen in a theater.  Every time someone states how something like Spider-Man 3 or Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice is the worst superhero movie they've ever seen, I just smile and nod while thinking to myself "You lucky bastard."

Though for the record, the worst superhero movie ever made is The Crow:  Wicked Prayer.  I don't care how much the latest blockbuster nerdraged you, this is indisputable in my opinion.

The Riff

Ghost Rider is an immensely riffable movie, so I'm overjoyed that there is a riff out there for it.  I'm not overly familiar with Blame Society and this the first time I've listened to a riff by them.  I know they've also done a riff for The Running Man, and between that film and Ghost Rider I can safely say they have great taste in riff targets.  It's a shame I didn't really find this riff very funny.

Most of the riffs range between safe and awkward.  There are a lot jokes that feel like first draft material, as if these are just initial reactions to the movie while palling around and getting drunk.  Occasionally it goes off into a run-on ramble, which they seem to overestimate how funny their bit is but dammit they're committed to it!  It's not all dull material, as there are a few bits that made me laugh, such as a scene where Nicolas Cage tries to transform in a mirror that actually made me laugh quite a bit.

Strangely enough some of the best stuff in this riff comes from their guest riffer, Nicolas Kage, who is a Nicolas Cage impressionist pretending to actually be the actor.  It's not smooth sailing for this bit, as he sounds like a really bad Jimmy Stewart impressionist attempting a Nicolas Cage impression, but the idea of them inviting "Nicolas Cage" to comment on the movie an ask him questions about it is sound, a lot like the "Rick Sloane" interview in the Hobgoblins MST episode.  Not everything Kage says is a winner, but the portrayal of him as quite dim and confused tickled me at least a little bit.

But even though little moments made me laugh, I can't really recommend this one.  It's mostly a drag and not very amusing.  If the idea of a fake Nicolas Cage commenting on this movie sounds funny to you then maybe give it a shot, because that's easily the highlight.  Unfortunately I don't see myself revisiting this at any point in the future.

Not Recommended

Ghost Rider (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2013
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

Nicolas Cage stars in this film based on the Marvel comic, as a death defying daredevil is gifted with extraordinary demonic powers from hell itself...oh wait, wrong Ghost Rider.

This somber and depressing short is about a boy who is haunted by a girl who died in a bus accident.  She urges him to read up on bus safety, but at least she's not crawling out of a TV and punishing everyone who might still be using VHS like other ghost girls I know.  As luck would have it, the bus is in an accident the following day.  Instead of being freaked out and accusing the ghost girl of being the freakishly supernatural cause, he leads everyone to safety with what he has learned.

Educational short films can be worse.  The story presented here is silly and poorly acted, but the safety protocol emergencies presented are well executed.  There's nothing too wrong with Ghost Rider other than it's limited production value and the fact that it's title rips off a Marvel comic, leading one to think this will be cooler than it really is.  I will say maybe it gets so plot heavy that it's lessons are a little buried in it.  But it does give a sense of urgency to learning what it wants to teach, which is something I suppose.

This is a short that was riffed by Incognito Cinema Warriors XP before Rifftrax got ahold of it.  I didn't think much of the ICWXP riff, but held out hope that Rifftrax might be able to do something more with it.  I laughed a bit more at this version of the short, but ultimately felt it still left something to be desired.

Ghost Rider has so much bad acting and poor production that it really sets itself up to be made fun of.  The Riffers never seem to run with what you would expect, sometimes taking more generic and silly routes, possibly to counterweight the depressing tone of the piece.  There are a lot of riffs on out main character interpreting that the ghost is his imaginary girlfriend, which are pretty funny, but it feels like there should be more here to run with.  The short is fine, though like the ICWXP version before it it's a missed opportunity.

Thumbs Down

👎

K08-Gamera vs. Guiron

Film Year:  1969
Genre:  Kaiju, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Director:  Noriaki Yuasa
Starring:  Nobuhiro Kajima, Christopher Murphy, Miyuki Akiyama, Yuko Hamada
MST Season:  KTMA

The Movie

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*

“Brother!  You are naughty!  Mother will scold you!” – Little Tomoko as her brother highjacks a space ship

Our latest Gamera flick has a couple of brats sneak aboard a space ship and highjack it so they can get away from all the wars and traffic accidents on Earth.  They land on a distant star…er, planet where they meet two space babes who want to eat their brains.  Our favorite giant turtle flies to the rescue (because obviously he has a sixth sense whenever children leave the stratosphere…why wouldn’t he?), but first he needs to get past massive guard dog Guiron!

This is definitely the funniest of the Gamera movies, not just on the show, but outside of it (save perhaps Super Monster Gamera, with its flipping superheroine alien chicks).  Not only is the story mind numbingly stupid, but it has quite possibly the worst dub job in the history of film adding to the cheese factor.

And what to say about Guiron?  Guiron is pure acid trip in monster form.  He’s a living butcher knife with ninja stars that shoot out of his head.  You can’t tell me you don’t want to see that after reading it.

Let’s face it, this movie is a MSTie fan favorite for a reason.  I’m not inclined to disagree, though I’m forced to give it a low rating due to the amount of brain cells I lose while watching it.

The Episode

Well, the Mads are out of bad movies and are ready to send up a good one...oh wait!  They found another Gamera movie!  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

A KTMA version of an episode as beloved as the third season's Gamera vs. Guiron can be a rough affair.  But this version's ace in the hole is the movie itself.  It's really hard for this movie to not be funny, and it would take an unprecedented crash and burn by the riffers to make this a terrible episode.  The riffing, as KTMA as it is, is fairly active and full of reactions, and I'd say it's probably a contender for the least sparse episode of the season.  Sometimes there are even laughs I'd say are on a par with the third season counterpart.

"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE YOU TO FINISH THIS SPEECH?"

"Five thousand years."

"Oh no!"

"That's a lot of speech!"

The centerpiece of the host segments features Crow dreaming about being the mad scientist in charge of the experiment and sending Dr. Forrester and Dr. Erhardt "A Planet of the Apes Christmas" over and over again (and no, that's not a real movie).  Another segment follows it up where Joel doubts the Bots can dream at all, leading to a delightful back and forth between the trio.  There is also a brief host segment where Gypsy and Crow mock learning about what it means to be human.

"Humans.  Can't live with them, can't turn their heads 360 degrees."

KTMA's Gamera vs. Guiron isn't as funny as it's remake, though I'd say it's easily the strongest of the KTMA Gamera episodes.  Not a bad way to close out this giant turtle gauntlet, though I could go without watching another Gamera movie for a long time.  Maybe two or three seasons.

Good

"Zombie Poo-Pocalypse" (ICWXP)

Film Reviewed:  "Resident Evil:  Retribution"
Film Year:  2012
Genre:  Action, Horror, Science Fiction
Director:  Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring:  Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Li Bingbing, Boris Kodjoe, Johann Urb, Kevin Durand, Oded Fehr, Colin Salmon, Shawn Roberts

The Movie

It should be noted that this bonus episode of Incognito Cinema Warriors XP doesn't feature the actual movie itself, but rather small promotional clips from it.  This isn't exactly a riff, leaving the viewer to have to watch the movie themselves if they want to know what the hell they're talking about.  So I did.  I'd seen the movie before anyway, but refreshed my memory on the flick anyway, so at any rate...

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UN...REVIEWED...I GUESS*

I think one of my pet peeves when I read a review of a movie is when someone states "Who is this movie for?" which is usually just a mask for people seeing a movie that wasn't made for them therefor they didn't think the audience for it existed.  Even the worst movies you watch, the ones you or I really don't get, have an appeal to someone.  It doesn't matter what it is, from the most bombastic and noisy Michael Bay movie to a cheap direct to TV film by The Asylum.  Audiences are more diverse than a lot of people give them credit for.

However in watching any of the Resident Evil movies by Paul W.S. Anderson it's really hard to pinpoint what they are.  They contain horror elements but aren't scary at all.  They're action movies that are flashy but are never really exciting.  They're based on a video game, but leaves the storyline and characters of that video game on the sidelines in favor of a different story and main character.  Despite this these movies built an audience, not because they're successful at any of this but because they're goofy, kinetic, and silly visual noise, and to the right person that's immensely satisfying.  Sometimes you pass up the fine wine and just want to drink a goddamn Mountain Dew Code Red, you know?

I should probably point out my history with the video games, or lack thereof.  I played thirty minutes of the first game, got bored with it, and turned it off.  I haven't played any of the others.  So the faithfulness of these movies to the games means nothing to me.  I suppose I understand the frustration of making a film adaptation of something you love, throwing out the things you cherish about it and having it star a fan fiction Mary Sue instead of the characters you're attached to.  I guess I'd be pissed about that too.  But I'll leave that to someone more versed in the game mythology to type out a fifty page rant on that subject.

What of this specific movie, Resident Evil:  Retribution?  It's the fifth film in the franchise, having followed the non-video game main character of Alice from a sexy amnesiac in a red dress to a superhero in a deserted wasteland.  Here she is captured by the Umbrella Corporation and questioned by a brainwashed former ally Jill Valentine (who was in the games, for the record).  Alice escapes from captivity and makes her way through a endless maze of holographic simulations of various landscapes around the world.

Damn that's stupid shit.  But you know what?  I enjoyed it.  I don't discriminate against bad movies, but rather embrace them with open arms.  I tend to like Paul W.S. Anderson's level of bad moviemaking more than most, to be honest.  He usually makes a breezy slice of doofy with creative sets and good looking cinematography.  Resident Evil:  Retribution is one of the Resident Evil films I've enjoyed the most if I'm putting all of my cards on the table, probably the only on I enjoyed more is the knee-slappingly hilarious Resident Evil:  Apocalypse.

Retribution also feels like a little bit of a celebration of this franchise that probably shouldn't exist.  At the time it had been ten years and five movies, and the film puts forth a collection of characters from the previous films, even if said characters had been long since killed in action.  Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Oded Fehr, and Colin Salmon were all invited back to the insanity, and it's a little charming to see all these familiar faces of cannon fodder.  More characters from the game are introduced and done nothing with, such as Johann Urb as Leon Kennedy and the delicious Li Bingbing as Ada Wong.  Though admittedly there is probably very little that can be done to win game fans over at this point.

I could say more about the content but that's assuming there is any content.  There's hardly a story here, and it's not worth emotionally investing in it.  Paul Anderson has a knack for introducing storylines and characters in this franchise and abandoning them completely in the followup film.  These are bad movies that very much exist in the now, with the five-year-old way of storytelling of "...THEN THIS HAPPENED AND SHE DID THIS AND THEN THERE WAS A HUGE EXPLOSION AND PEOPLE DIED BUT NOT HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO COOL AND THEN..."  I've long had a theory about movies with the actor Kevin Durand in them.  Usually when I see his name in the credits, be it an X-Men Origins:  Wolverine or a Legion, I know what to expect.  I scream "FUCK YEAH," slap my knee, turn my brain off, and enjoy the stupidity.  Resident Evil:  Retribution has Kevin Durand in it.  You've been warned.

The Episode

With this episode I think I've finally identified what my disconnect with ICWXP is.  You have this style of humor that takes films and overlays humorous comments on them, and most of the time it's taking a film of low quality and giving it a shot at being something more enjoyable.  The question becomes how do you perceive this?  I am in the camp in which I watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater and I think of the movie as the episode's guest star, something they work with to create an whole new experience.  I believe the guys of ICWXP are in the camp of seeing MST as something that degrades the film and "tears it a new one."  While the movie riffing audience is made up of viewers who respond to that I personally am much more attracted to the concept of working with the movie and not working in spite of it.

But this latter perception of MST seems to have inspired many people in the YouTube generation to target aggression at things they dislike, Honest Trailers, Nostalgia Critic, Red Letter Media, and various different people who are apart of this riffing renaissance that took place online.  I can enjoy the occasional video, but there is only so much hatred I can take before I become impatient with the negativity.  I'm more responsive to something like Angry Video Game Nerd, which is more of a mock anger fueled by a genuine passion and love for what he's talking about.

This review of Resident Evil:  Retribution is a product of pure hate.  And I had absolutely zero fun watching it.

It's not even that I enjoy the movie more than they do that bugs me about this episode, mostly because defending this movie is a thankless task.  It's a dumb movie, I don't give a shit if they don't like it because it's understandable why they wouldn't.   I also think reviewing this movie is a thankless task also, because it doesn't try to appease standard film study practices but rather goes off in its own direction.  It is exactly what it wants to be, and if you didn't like that it is exactly what it is then the movie's attitude is basically "tough titties."  As such the Resident Evil films are poor targets for film criticism, because they have achieved a level of ignorance towards it so that it's best to just shake your head and move on.  And I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of their appeal, if I'm being honest.

Now if the episode were funny I might forgive all of this, but unfortunately it just seems like a therapeutic venting session than an actual exorcise in comedy.  I don't think I laughed once during the review segment.  Though to be fair I don't think I laughed once outside the theater as well, which leads me to believe it's just a bad episode all around.  Most of the humor of the episode comes from them making custom memes based around footage (to be fair, some of them are pretty clever) while they state spiteful critiques all of which sound very similar and repeated.  There is a rare occasion where they try to change it up, such as Topsy's game show round of "Just 'Cause," which is four minutes of a single joke told over and over again and wears out it's welcome long before it ends.  Rick also seems to get a kick out of making up new names for the film, all of which are just plays on titles of other films that are not related to the film.  In other words, if you think the titles "Resident Evil:  The Squeakuel" and "Resident Evil:  Dumb and Dumberer" are hysterical then watch this episode, because there is a lot of that.

The host segments mostly revolve around a toy called "Dookie-Poo," which the Bots try to give Rick the heebie jeebies with.  I'll be honest, I don't get it.  Creepy inanimate objects I get, but this toy is just a brown lump that kinda looks like Gumby, which they seem to think is funny just because they call it "Dookie-Poo."  But unfortunately I don't get a laugh out of it.  I thought it was bland and strange right until the end, where they parody a sequence from the film.  The other joke of the host segments has Cylon brainstorming ideas for a movie he wants to make, which is just a lead-up to a weak gag about a Legend of Zelda movie done in the style of Resident Evil.

I thought long and hard about whether I was going to review this episode.  Even after I watched it something deep down within me said that I should just leave it alone.  It's not a riff, therefor I shouldn't really be talking about it.  But it's also an episode, so I felt obligated to.  I get they were trying to branch out the ICWXP brand and try new things to help sell the show, but this is not my speed.  In fact it provided a convincing argument to me that I probably shouldn't be watching ICWXP, because they obviously aren't on the same frequency as myself.  What it boils down to is that this episode isn't devoted to riffing, it's devoted to bitching.  There's an audience for that, but I have no interest in it.

I'm glad this episode is free on YouTube, because if I paid money for it I'd probably be more irritated about this.

Not Recommended

Aqua Frolics (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2008
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

Look at all this aqua!  It just makes me want to frolic!

Aqua Frolics showcases a bunch of water activities that range from fun to just plain weird.  A lot of it is self-evident, such as water skiing and swimming, while sequences such as a family having dinner at the bottom of a swimming pool is a pure ripe slice of WTF.

Aqua Frolics is a scant short, not even running seven minutes.  In fact I don't even think it's complete, because it stops abruptly.  Mike, Kevin, and Bill even briefly exclaim in surprise before they're cut off abruptly as well.  That's really the downside to this short, that it's brief and doesn't feel like an entire experience.

Luckily what positive aspects the short does offer are aces.  The grand thing about the short is that there is no shorage of visual cues to take note off.  The riffs fling take aim at the various frolics with the greatest of ease, including the previously mentioned dinner scene as the family swims away, causing Kevin to pipe up "Not you mom!  Somebody has to do the dishes!"  There is of course the narrator as well, which sees our heroes stepping in to help him narrate as the short goes on.  Yes, Aqua Frolics is a short shorter than most, but it packs a lot of laughs.

Thumbs Up

👍

Flight to Mars (Rifftrax Presents)

Film Year:  1951

Genre:  Science Fiction

Director:  Lesley Selander
Starring:  Marguerite Chapman, Cameron Mitchell, Arthur Franz
Rifftrax Year:  2016
Riffers:  Matthew J. Elliott, Ian Potter

The Movie

What's this?  Another space movie starring Space Mutiny star Cameron Mitchell?  Why yes!  I think I'll watch that!

Recycling sets from Rocketship X-M and costumes from Destination Moon, Flight to Mars is yet another space travel movie about the future of the 1950's seeking to explore the stars.  This group of scientists crash land on Mars and find themselves trapped there.  Luckily the human-looking Martians taken them in and help them repair their ship.  They however have an ulterior motive of recreating the ship and plan an exodus from Mars to Earth.

Those who read my Rocketship X-M review know I'm no Rocketship X-M fan.  I point this out so anybody who reads this knows that when I say I'd rather watch Rocketship X-M than Flight to Mars, they know I really mean it.  At least things happen in Rocketship X-M.  Semi-interesting things too.  Flight to Mars, if you pardon the pun, just never takes off.  It's dull in the beginning before the launch, after the launch it continues to be dull, and when the promise of Martian civilization exploration and conflict happens...it decides to be dull instead.  Nothing really happens in this movie, which is something I never would have expected to say about a journey to Mars movie.  I mean, Red Planet at least had a killer robot.

The one thing I can really say about this movie is that technicolor does suit the rocketship genre well, and they use it to show off some lovely ladies in short-skirted space uniforms.  Unfortunately the palette of the film is so muted that the fact that it's filmed in color seems like a total waste.

The Trax

Matthew J. Elliot and Ian Potter get their "strap on" in the cockpit of this space flight and take this Flight to Mars.  Elliot and Potter are reliably funny here.  Unfortunately the primary flaw of this riff is the movie selected, which just wears the viewer down.  It admittedly took several sittings to just finish the bland film to type this review, though the riffers did keep me laughing.

Matthew and Ian at the very least are in tune to making fun of the movie's aesthetic, so even if there's nothing interesting going on on-screen they'll at least chime in with something funny about the way it's set up.  They get some good chuckles at the Martian uniforms, while there are some creative jabs at the scenery I didn't expect, such as a radio broadcast declaring the launch of the rocket next to a model of the rocket itself, prompting the riff of "Reports suggest that it may be fired off of a desk next to a radio speaker!"

Probably the biggest laugh of the riff happens about halfway through when there is nothing interesting going on (natch), and Matthew and Ian take a good long while setting up a ghost story about how the set was haunted by the ghost of a hand model.  All of this is to simply lead up to a blooper of a crewman's hand accidentally being in the shot, and when it happens the riffers scream in horror.  I lost my shit for a good five minutes after that.

Flight to Mars brings the funny, but the movie is just too boring for the format.  If you tune into the laughs more than the film this riff is worth getting, though people who are eager to see a cheesy rocketship movie on top of that will probably not be very enthused by this product.

Good

Alcohol (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2012
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

This is Chuck.  Chuck needs a few drinks to get through the day and deal with the stress of corporate life and marriage.  Any questions?

"All I have is one or two after work to relax a little!"
"Then I sleep it off in a dumpster!  What's wrong with that?!"

I imagine this might have been a film used by A.A. to help people take a look at how their drinking might effect their lives around them.  Chuck spends too much on alcohol during lunch with clients, shows up to work drunk, and neglects his nagging wife.  If I were to put forth a criticism it's that the context is lacking in this film.  We are treated to his boss "discussing" his job with him as well as his wife's henpecking, but it comes off as a limited stageplay and I don't really learn anything from it.  Maybe if the film had some sort of scene at the beginning to show a point where Chuck wasn't drinking as a comparison it might come off more understandable.

"What actually goes on at Rifftrax headquarters!"
"Well, no ties."
"And no pants."

The guys have a lot of fun with this one because, let's face it, drunks are comedy gold.  And yet there aren't as many swaying, happy alcoholic riffs as you might expect.  They target the reactions to Chuck more than anything, with riffs adding to his work and home life.  Some of the funniest moments of the short come at the expense of his wife, who's hysterics from beginning to end are pretty funny on their own.

The short closes with just a sudden screeching to a halt, and Mike, Kevin, and Bill list the morals they've learned from this story, all of which are hilarious.  I'm not much of a drinker, but Alcohol just might prove to be a short I'm addicted to.  I encourage all who read this to take a shot.

Thumbs Up

👍

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Hor-RIFF-ic Productions)

Film Year:  1982
Genre:  Horror, Science Fiction, Fantasy...I guess
Director:  Tommy Lee Wallace
Starring:  Tom Atkins, Stacy Nelkin, Dan O'Herlihy

The Movie

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*

I hate the Halloween season.  It's not a hatred for the holiday, mind you, but rather something that always seems to happen annually.  There is not a year that goes by where some hipster tells me my dislike of Halloween III:  Season of the Witch is "wrong" and then goes on a long winded "correction" of my opinion on how I "just don't like the movie because it doesn't have Michael Myers."

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

I want to make my stance on this very clear.  From my perspective, there are no good sequels to Halloween.  There are enjoyable sequels, but that's not the same thing.  I'll admit that Halloween 4 and H20 are "fine."  They don't excel at anything, but they're competent and have entertaining elements.  Curse of Michael Myers and Resurrection fall on that "so bad it's funny" scale for me, and I'll be honest and say there are days I'd rather watch both over even the original.  Rob Zombie's remake is well made and has sequences that are pretty great, but is mostly unpleasant to watch.  The recent 2018 reboot has some great cinematography, but a script that's a fucking disaster.  Halloween 5 and Zombie's Halloween II are both trash.

But what of Halloween III?  Do I dislike this movie because it doesn't have Michael Myers?  No.  I dislike it because it's a terrible movie, and not even a fun terrible movie.  To be honest, the film is a fucking chore.  Maybe on a good day I'll say "at least it's better than Halloween 5" but I'd rather have a rectal exam than to watch either if I'm being completely honest.

Here's the thing, I like the idea of Halloween being an anthology series.  I would have loved so much for this idea to have hit it off.  This idea was doomed to failure for two reasons however.  First, Halloween II had already been made with the storyline continued from the first film, establishing that this was a slasher series during the decade where slasher movies were hot.  Second is the movie itself, which has interesting ideas behind it but is just an overall dull experience.  Even if this were Halloween II I couldn't see this series lasting beyond this movie.

So the story of this movie sees a doughy doctor investigating the murder of a patient linked to a mask he was clutching in his hands.  He and the patient's hot daughter track the mask back to the factory, where they bang in a motel while plans are set into motion to turn children's heads into cockroaches on Halloween night by putting...Stonehenge into...masks...and...watching TV...or something.

Okay, I will admit there are ideas in this movie that I liked.  I like the idea of a madman using Halloween night to revert all the candy giving back to the eve's Celtic roots.  What I don't dig is that in trying to give the range of the plan a wider scale that they went techno thriller on it.  There's a mild attempt to ape Invasion of the Body Snatchers here, but then they go batty and try to infuse a bit of Westworld in it as well.  I love Westworld as much as the next guy, but it's not exactly what I would call a movie I can watch on Halloween.  Does this movie really need robots?  Why?  I can deal with Halloween III being different than the original, but I disagree with the direction they took this story.

The movie is so dull, and the direction is so lifeless.  Arguably the film's best scene, featuring a child with a melting mask, is flat out ruined by lackluster performances and bland execution.  The movie has no pulse, it moves like molasses, and I just get sick of it after twenty minutes.  It's not suspenseful, it's not involving, it's just an agony booth of nothing.  Probably the most telling line of the movie involves a slab of Stonehenge in a laboratory, which is laughed off as "You wouldn't believe how we got it here!"  I'm sure the writer thinks he's being cheeky, but it's just a mask for poor writing.  And that mask just melts right off.

So there.  That's my thoughts on this movie.  You can claim I hate this movie for superficial reasons that have been projected on me all you want, but two can play at that game.  If I wanted to I could say the only reason this movie has been re-evaluated is because people like the idea that it's different and like the idea of the direction of the series and this aspect is more memorable than the movie itself.  But I'm not going to say that, because that would be glossing over experiences of this movie relating to the individual.  For all I know there are genuine aspects that other people respond to that I do not, nor can I fathom.  Just like I have reasons of my own for not liking it that are perfectly valid to myself.

Now, I just want ONE Halloween without this debate, so let this be the last time I have to say anything about this movie for a while.

The Riff

After breezing through all of their Friday the 13th riffs I can safely say I've taken a liking to the Hor-RIFF-ic Productions team, though I'm not entirely sure if I've anticipated a riff of Halloween III:  Season of the Witch or not.  Sure I dislike the movie, but I've learned a long time ago that just simply not liking a movie doesn't equate to riff material.  I'd say there is probably more to be mined from Halloween:  The Curse of Michael Myers personally, which is livelier and funnier.  Season of the Witch is long, draggy, and quite dull.

Gary, Erin, and Satan actually did something I didn't expect and they made Halloween III fun.  I don't know how they did it, but somehow they kept the energy up in the room enough to make me pay attention to a movie that has bored me to tears every time I've tried to watch it.  Well done sir, madam, and unholy beast!

OCTOBER

"Well I kinda figured that, what with it being 'Halloween' and all..."

SATURDAY THE 23RD

"...oh...I did not see that coming..."

It seems like the secret weapon the group breaks out is Tom Atkins protagonist.  He comes under fire constantly over being not an ideal hero:  hard drinkin' and a bit doughy.  They never come out and say it, but I'll make the comparison and say he's this movie's Zap Rowsdower.  Other riffs target unlikable characters, the odd plot twists and convoluted evil plan, and just various plot holes that rear their ugly head.  And then there are the robots, which are pure riff gold.  The climactic getaway with Tom Atkins and a robot in his car is just laughter heaven.

Probably the big fear I had about this riff was an over abundance of "Where's Michael Myers?" riffs, which I wasn't looking forward to but bracing myself for.  The riff does start out with a fair share of them, including a humorous intro where they claim they chose Halloween III because they wanted to get to the meat of Michael Myers murder spree.  When they do break out the riff, it's spread out fairly evenly for about a half hour, until they admit defeat and accept he isn't going to be in this movie.  They jump this movie a few times after that for not having him, but they're few and far between.  Thank you Hor-RIFF-ic for showing restraint and not falling into the amateurish pitfall that other riff groups would have been tempted into.

Hor-RIFF-ic is quickly becoming a favorite group of mine.  They have an affection for the format as well as the films they watch and they just seem to know how to deliver a good time to the audience.  Halloween III defied the odds and turned a labor of a film into a brisk one that actually makes me want to watch the film again.  With the proper commentary track, of course.

Classic

The Fish That Nearly Drowned (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2012
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

Pretty much right off the bat The Fish That Nearly Drowned treats us to a closeup of a fish face with an overdub in an attempt to match fish lip movements and Kevin laments that he hates bad dubs of foreign films.  This fish tells us the story of an amphibious, air-breathing fish that lives in his tank that gets trapped under a glass wall that tips over and is trapped in the water.  The gripping climax to this short has the owner setting the glass back up.

This short seems like it was made to teach children that not all fish merely need water to survive, while trying to entertain them with a simple little tale about how important air is to these fish.  I guess it works, though it's not that entertaining.  All the aquarium shots just blend together and there isn't a lot of diversity.  Some of the tidbits about these fish are interesting, though fish creep me out so I'm not going to dwell on this short too much.

Because I have a bit of a dislike of fish I wasn't too thrilled about viewing this short at first, though I'd say the riffing is pretty steady and quality.  There are some funny fish overdubs as well as mocking the fish life (with one or two references to "poop strings" for good measure).  Also the main fish's name is "Cockerel," and you know they get some good jabs at that.  This is a solid short worth the pennies you spend on it.

Thumbs Up

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Halloween II (iRiffs)

Film Year:  1981
Genre:  Horror
Director:  Rick Rosenthal
Starring:  Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Charles Cyphers, Dick Warlock
Riffers:  The Movie Asylum (James Rosenthal, Ben Rosenthal, Steve Lutz)

The Movie

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*

As the imitators began spreading like wildfire it was only a matter of time before Michael Myers came back in an attempt to remind everyone who started the shock wave.  Buuuuuut...maybe he should have left the imitators to look like morons and have been the one smart enough to be one and done.  Halloween II has virtues, but overall it's a shell of the original.

Continuing on from the original's open end as if it was always meant to be a "To be continued..." seemed like a fairly solid idea.  Halloween II has Myers still on his murder spree from the first film and Donald Pleasence still obsessively looking for him.  Jamie Lee Curtis has been taken to the hospital to treat her paper cut while nobody gives a shit what happened to the kids she was babysitting.  Myers then continues to stalk Curtis at the hospital while pointless details about him and her being brother and sister are revealed.

Halloween II brings interesting elements to the table, but isn't quite sure how to present them while succumbing to the pressure to be a slasher movie sequel at the same time.  It's nowhere near as tight and stylish as the original and it's obviously trying to emulate Friday the 13th rather than the previous film.  It does have an attempt in honoring the first in trying to build on the foundation of it by continuing the story and adding new elements, though arguably what they add only detracts.  Making Curtis's character a sibling to the masked killer does give Myers a motive, though arguably Myers didn't need one.  Following the flow of the storyline into a hospital seems like the right way to go, but portraying the hospital as all-but-abandoned and full of shadows seems contrary to every damn hospital I've ever been in.

Pleasence and Curtis at the very least are still very good here, holding this rather poor script on their shoulders.  But there is a reason why I watch the original Halloween every year and not Halloween II.

The Riff

"Halloween 11?  Oh please tell me this isn't the one with Busta Rhymes."

The Movie Asylum at first glance seems like another one-and-done riffing group on the iRiffs front, though it appears they have a few releases under their belt.  It seems like the only other riff they've done is for the 2000 animated film Titan A.E. and they've also offered a serial riff as well.  The product description lists Halloween II as their first riff, though the version I purchased seems to be a "special edition" sorts.  The revised intro claims some sort of "storyline" was cut (I have no clue what this means) and says the original version had poor audio and this new one is cleaned up with a few new riffs.  I will state outright that I have not listened to the original version.  This remastered one however is pretty solid.

Now I will say I have some issues with the delivery.  For the most part some of the riffs make the riffers sound very bored.  There is one riffer in particular, and I have no clue who it is because there is no name introduction to these people, who is very nasally and has no vocal presence whatsoever.  Most riffs that come from this guy land with a thud.  There is also a poor run on gag about a continuity error in the film where Donald Pleasence fires seven shots out of a six shooter, which at times made me say out loud "Oh my god, just drop it!"

But overall given some lackluster delivery I have to say I actually found this riff pretty funny.  The Movie Asylum has some work to do regarding delivery, but the riff script they've put together is quite good.  There are a lot of lines that made me laugh out loud and a few great moments that show a lot of promise in this group.  One of my favorites is a lymeric one sings during the movie's theme that accompanies Myers wandering down the street which is pretty creative and funny.

If you're looking for a fan riff that might be worth listening to, Halloween II runs only 99 cents on the iRiffs section at rifftrax.com and I'd say I got my money's worth.  The Movie Asylum might have had a great riffing future had they stayed at it too.

Good

The Babysitter (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2017
Riffers:  Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl

This instructional short from the 1940's teaches girls how to properly babysit while being trustworthy and honest.  As Bridget and Mary Jo waste no time in pointing out, babysitting has become a much more abbreviated affair in modern times, involving ordering a pizza and watching TV.  Here it's extravagantly detailed, as the mother of the children walks the babysitter through the house and teaches her everything about it, including how the light switches work.

"So is the husband just waiting in the car while all this happens?  HONK HONK!"

The short does encourage being active with the children, which is good, as sometimes babysitting can be lax about that (especially when I'm babysitting).  The short also strives to point out frustrating tendencies children have and how to work around them.  There's some solid advice in this short, though I foresee everything not going according to plan when put into practice.

"Little girls love setting a table!"
"WHOA WHOA WHOA!  CITATION NEEDED!"

Bridget and Mary Jo either have experience babysitting or have had babysitters themselves (perhaps both) and seem to get a kick out of how simple the short makes it seem.  They definitely giggle to themselves about the old-timey ideals while inserting their own babysitting advice as well, and insert things that likely do happen during babysitting that aren't addressed (such as a visit from a boyfriend).  I wouldn't say The Babysitter is a laugh riot, though it's a pleasant time had by all with solid humor.

Thumbs Up

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