Rapid Assault (RiffTrax)

Film Year:  1997

Genre:  Action

Director:  Fred Olen Ray

Starring:  Tim Abell, Jeff Rector, Lisa Mazzetti, Arthur Roberts, Don Scribner, Harrison Ray, Richard Gabai, Ricky Worth

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

From the director and co-star of Fugitive Rage comes yet another assault on your common sense.  A Rapid Assault, if you will.  I actually spent quite a while during this movie wondering why I had more contempt for it than Fugitive Rage.  Fugitive Rage was a really dumb movie that had little redeeming value, and in quality Rapid Assault isn't much better or worse.  It could be that Rapid Assault is a bit more ambitious in scale, as it takes discount sets and tries to pass them off as high tech underwater bases making it appear even cheaper and dimwitted while Fugitive Rage mostly stuck to what it could pass off as with its tight budget.

Of course, Fugitive Rage also had nudity in it, and call me boorish all you want but that does ease the pain.  Rapid Assault has plunging necklines on its female leads, which is nice but it doesn't distract from what's so trash about this movie.

Rapid Assault is a cheapie designed to emulate high budget action fare featuring the likes of Nicolas Cage, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, or whoever visiting a themed locale to stop terrorists from unleashing a bioweapon on the public.  In this case it has our action heroes on a military operation to fight the baddies in a lab under the surface of the ocean.  Despite all logical science of what such a lab would entail given water pressure, this entire facility's interior looks like some sort of abandoned warehouse that the film crew was given access to.

Even forgiving the lackluster set design of the film, the film lacks any cohesive logic.  The entire script of the film is the worst type of plot-driven, as scenarios push the film's story forward because the movie's direction needs them to, not because they make any sort of logistic sense.  One of our main characters is the daughter of a scientist character who is held hostage to make the scientist character cooperate, but they shoot him dead the exact same scene and still keep her hostage...for giggles?  I don't know.  They just kinda keep her and she stirs up trouble.  She even seems to forget she had a father as the film goes on, as it becomes clear she's only there to be the female lead because someone decided the movie needed one.  It's story logic like this that drives most sequences, often having characters relating knowledge they shouldn't really know about because the plot wants to move on.

Rapid Assault is ambitious for a low budget actioner, though it can't seem to move its butt because it can't seem to afford to.  The one attempt at a large scale action scene has a missile explode over New York City, only to chip off the top of the Empire State Building like it were made out of Legos.  Smaller action scenes look like they're straight out of Space Mutiny, with people shooting at each other around stairwells with only the good guys ever hitting anybody.  Technically this action movie has action in it, or the bare minimum required to call it action in the first place.  I think that describes Rapid Assault the best:  bare minimum.

The Trax

Likewise, Rapid Assault's riff isn't as funny as Fugitive Rage's.  It's a bit of a lifeless film and it doesn't inspire much inspired comedy.  Mike, Kevin, and Bill seem to be in a rather lukewarm state during this movie, where they're a little bored but throw some stuff at it because they have a job to do.  It's hard to blame them, because this movie doesn't give them very much to work with, but to give it some credit it does stay at a moderate amusement level throughout.

Probably the most impressionable aspect of this riff is that Kevin is very into puns tonight, often coming up with cheesy 80's one-liners based on whatever crap is playing in front of him and he crafts it into something silly.  Mike and Bill get easily irritated with him, though that doesn't stop them from following suit at points only to have him point out their hypocrisy.  It's a cute running gag, though I wouldn't exactly call it funny as a lot of the jokes do induce a groan.  And if I'm groaning, I think a film riff could be threatened by that.

Luckily that isn't all that Rapid Assault had to offer.  The trio take immediate notice to the film's many logic holes and inconsistencies and question it out loud, a lot of it bringing a smile to my face as I was often thinking the same thing.  Rapid Assault didn't think out its plot before putting itself in front of a camera and it shows, so while this riff can tread on pointing out the obvious, it becomes a virtue because it really highlights what is wrong with this movie.  And, of course, we get some Space Mutiny references with some good, old-fashioned railing kills.  All of this makes Rapid Assault a decent sit-down with RiffTrax, though it's not one of their finest hours.

Average

The Adventures of Chip and Dip (RiffTrax Shorts)

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers: Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl

Of the four food groups there is one food that reigns supreme, and if you guessed vegetables, you're wrong.  Close, because it's made from vegetables anyway, just fried and a shit ton of salt added to it.  I'm of course referring to the potato chip, mankind's ultimate culinary creation!  Today we join a pair of leprechauns named Chip and Dip as they look into how chips are made and the many various dishes one can prepare with the addition of the very diverse potato chip!

And if you're guessing this short was produced by some sort of potato chip counsel, of course it was.

One might think I'm embellishing for comedic effect in that first paragraph, but this is literally the message that this short wants us to take away.  This is a short that is so full of shit that it starts out with the completely made-up history of potato chips being invented by Native Americans who have Irish accents for some reason and evolves into the short trying to explain to us how potato chips are the healthiest food you can ingest, because they're full of energy and have all the salt your body needs.  I can feel my IQ lowering by the second say arteries harden.

All of this nonsense is mostly just to set up a series of recipes created for the specific use of potato chips, including a variety of dips and even main course meals.  Some of which look appetizing, while a lot look disgusting.  A lot of these meals might have been hearty and creative back in the day, but in a world of organic options, vegan entrees, calorie counting, and gluten free diets, very few of these look like they were meant to feed to someone with health standards.  My vote for vomit on a plate goes to...

"Chip 'n' Chicken Spaghetti Loaf!"

"Just let those four words sink in."

Bridget and Mary Jo seemed shocked and appalled by what they're seeing, and who can blame them?  This short is a nightmare of churning a bunch of crap in a blender and seeing what pops out.  When the meals are being prepped a lot of the comedy revolves around their reaction shots of disgust, while a good portion of the potato chip farming relies on tepid industrial curiosity and traditional ribbing.  High marks go to Bridget's dig at giant crates of potatoes about to be turned into chips as she quips "It's Frank Conniff's Disneyworld!"  This unappetizing short is made delicious by our two lady jesters, which was no easy feat.

Thumbs Up

👍

Suburban Sasquatch (RiffTrax)

Film Year:  2004

Genre:  Horror

Director:  Dave Wascavage

Starring:  Sue Lynn Sanchez, Bill Ushler, Dave Bonavita, Juan Fernandez

RiffTrax Year:  2020

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

A mystical sasquatch is haunting the local park, where he chases a lot of people, rips them to pieces, eats their remains, or kidnaps them.  You know, whatever he feels like doing.  Out on the hunt for the creature are a pair of rangers, a reporter who wants to win a Pulitzer Prize, and a hot young Native American girl with a bow and an endless supply of CGI arrows.

The most important aspect to note about Suburban Sasquatch is that the movie was filmed on a very tight budget, like miniscule, so let's all keep those expectations in check.  The movie looks as if it were filmed on a home camcorder and all of the special effects look as if they were home-brewed by a one-man crew with access to half a gorilla costume and some cheap animation software.  Often an effect can't be created in camera, so an animation equivalent is edited in with post production, such as sasquatch lifting cars, logs, or rocks or just gore effects.  One could argue with limited resources at your disposal you shouldn't try to have special effects at all, but what the hell.  Shoot for the moon!

Suburban Sasquatch feels to me like a movie made by people who were out to have some kicks, gathered some people to scream at an ape muppet, and just went nuts out in the woods.  The movie doesn't have a whole lot of plot as it's more or less an endless sequence of vignettes where people wander around, sasquatch shows up, and all hell breaks loose.  This was never going to be a good movie though as an example of working with resources around you to craft something for a laugh, this movie is a fun little curiosity.

What is fascinating is that Suburban Sasquatch did find forms of distribution and has been passed around in cult circles of Z-grade film watchers.  RiffTrax is rather late to the game in mocking this film as it's been around for a while.  Director Dan Wascavage seems to have a taste for making films of this "caliber," as he works with what's at his disposal and plays around with it until something happens that vaguely resembles what he wants to happen onscreen.  It takes tenacity to make films like these for a living and whether you enjoy them or not, he's got genuine passion paired with balls of steel.

The Trax

Suburban Sasquatch is a movie purely for dumpster divers who actively seek movies like this out, and to all else it will hold little interest.  Because of that the RiffTrax experience may vary based on one's tolerance for the film itself or whether the riff is funny enough to make it worth watching for those who wouldn't give it the time of day.  On a scale of "This is miserable" to "This is hilarious" I'd give the commentary an "It's what they can do" rating.  The thing about this riff is that this is one of those riffs where the movie is completely the star of the hour, while Mike, Kevin, and Bill are just along for the ride.  They do quip and it can be funny, but there's not a whole lot they can wield to their advantage other than point out the obvious.  I laughed but I'm also left wanting.

What's holding back this riff is that this is a case where the movie is so silly that they can only state what's silly about it out loud even though it's right there on camera for everyone to see.  They mock the bad acting, people freezing in place as sasquatch approaches them, the bad special effects, sasquatch's large nipples...ect.  All of this is pretty funny already and arguably we don't need them to emphasize it.  It feels like explaining a joke after already telling a joke.  One can argue that Suburban Sasquatch isn't trying to be a comedy, but due to its presentation it's also obvious that it isn't taking anything seriously either.  The riff just feels not as strong as the film itself.

Here's the silver lining though, I rate riffs on the basis of how much I enjoy the experience and while the riff is overwhelmed by the movie, Suburban Sasquatch is undeniably an experience.  If you hadn't seen Suburban Sasquatch before, it will now be permanently etched into your memory and you'll at the very least have a few laughs, be it at the riff or at the movie.  It's hard to recommend this one to everyone though, because it does somewhat take both an appreciation of how silly Suburban Sasquatch is to get through it and while the laughs are strong, the question always becomes whether or not they're strong enough.

Whether it was RiffTrax or the movie, I had fun, so I'm giving it a thumbs up.  And whether this movie needs a commentary or not, the RiffTrax is worth it just for Kevin's first riff at sasquatch's expense:  "It's a Gorilla-Gram gone horribly wrong!"  That's so deep into RiffTrax lore that it's hard for any RiffTrax fan to not love that line.

Good

The DVD

Suburban Sasquatch was released on DVD through RiffTrax's website as a part of their Toxic Box collection.  Audio and video are about as good as can be expected from this movie, so don't expect anything.  Unlike most RiffTrax DVDs, Suburban Sasquatch does not feature original audio for the film, likely because it was edited down from its original version (a good twenty minutes was cut out of this film).  They do offer an episode of Talkin' Rifftrax which was supposed to be devoted to discussing the film, but instead it's more of a skit where Mike impersonates Guy Fieri.

"Pipeline to the Clouds" & A Tribute to Manos (MST3K Special)

The Short

It's finally happened!  The new Mystery Science Theater 3000 is finally tackling shorts!  They're just not a part of the episodes themswlves...bummer.  Instead they'll be featured at the beginning of special Gizmoplex livestream events, so...better than nothing?  The intent was always to show these off in between new episodes to tide fans over as each episode was being edited, though a part of my soul was hoping they'd be in the episodes as warm-up appetizers.  That was part of the fun of shorts back in the day.  Hell, when I watch a RiffTrax I always pop a short in just to get that experience.  But using these as introductions to live events is fun because it does whet our appetite for the next episode.  And Emily's crew did well with her short in 2020, so it's good to see this is going to be a regular thing.

Our first short to these live events is untitled in the actual short itself, though Pearl identifies it as being called "Pipeline to the Clouds."  This is an industrial short made to show the important everyday uses people use water for in their general lives while also acknowledging what it takes for our workers to bring water into everyday homes all across the country.  That stuff doesn't just come out of the faucet like magic, ya know!

This short's a bit haphazard as it shows off the importance of water by showing what a drought can cause and scratches the surface of how we can prevent it.  Unfortunately it only scratches that surface and not much else.  The short doesn't bother to explain how really any of this works and just comes off as a whirlwind of water related imagery.  It's a bit irritating really.  I'm being shown lots of things but I'm not exactly learning anything from them.

Likewise for the riffing, this short is like water itself:  It's there but it's not solid enough to latch onto.  The short has actual content but not enough to work with in any sort of meaningful way.  Jonah's crew is in the theater seats for this one and honestly they seem a little stumped on how to make this funny.  They do jump at what imagery they can however they can though it tends to stay tricky.  They take a few establishing shots of a dam and use them to sass call "DAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYUUUUUUUUUM!"  There are also points where we see pretty women bathing yet all they can do is catcall, which is a little lazy.  But occasionally they'll come out with something great, and Jonah gets the most killer potshot of the entire short as he targets the anti-mask/vaxx movement:

"If there is one thing Americans can be counted on to do it's to selflessly accept mild personal inconvenience for the betterment of society as a whole."

But unfortunately the first short of the Gizmoplex is a disappointment.  It's mostly subpar material aimed at a short that seems like it's an uphill battle to contend with.  This one is a sinker.

Thumbs Down

👎

The Livestream

Something I didn't expect these live streams to have is host segments.  Apparently the theme is that Pearl and Synthia are subjecting viewers to classic experiments against our will, while Jonah and the Bots are along for the ride suffering through the previous experiment with us.  It's pretty fun to see these host segments wrap around the classic episode, blending the old with the new into a glorious whole.

Our stream opens with Pearl and Synthia introducing us to the "Short of the Month Club," as Pearl picks a random short for Jonah and the Bots to tackle before starting the classic experiment.  As Jonah's crew finishes up, Pearl throws us into the most infamous episode of the show by ensuring us "Nothing in your TV is broken.  This movie just looks like that."  You guessed it, it's "Manos" The Hands of Fate (review of classic episode here)!  Jonah and the Bots are apprehensive about getting into the grind with an "MST Legend," and even spend the middle segment about to break (and wanting a granola bar).  But they get through it like troopers.

Also of note, classic commercial breaks are put to use with the new MST commercial ads in the Gizmoplex, featuring Jonah and the Bots putting on amusing little ad-skits for ad revenue for the series.  Normally I'd be irritated to pay for a streaming service with commercial breaks but I'm loving the way the breaks are put to use again.  Brings back glorious memories of sitting in front of the TV and watching the latest episode live!  More MST as a part of these breaks is just a bonus, even if it's a commercial I've already seen on the previous stream.

We are then treated to a post-stream Q&A with Joel Hodgson, Matt McGinnis, Mary Jo Pehl, and special guest Jackie Neyman Jones, who most will know played Debbie in the film at the tender age of 6.  We might also remember her from a guest spot a few months ago on the Mads stream where they did their own riff of Manos.  The Q&A starts off with Joel and Mary Jo reminiscing about working on the fourth season of MST, discovering this movie, and the trial of making it work.  They also discuss working on the new material for this live stream, as Joel compliments Mary Jo's chemistry with Rebecca Hansen in their Pearl and Synthia skits, to which Mary Jo gives Rebecca all the credit.

Things really rev up when Jackie enters the chat, as she is bursting with stories relating to the film, about how Hal Warren was a salesman and never set out to make a "good" movie but a film that would show off the locale and blossom the film industry in the area (I don't think that panned out).  She talks about seeing the movie at the premiere as a little girl and crying because of how bad it was, while also saying that finding a copy of the film was a goal in her adult life because of her memories making it.  She relates the story about how her father, Tom Neyman (who played the Master in the movie), was a fan of MST and called his daughter up when he saw it on the show and she called the HBO offices to see if she could get a personal copy.  I think it's cool that Jackie seems to watch MST to this day, even mentioning that she watched the Santo livestream a few weeks ago.

Jackie brings a lot of energy into the room, relating such colorful and unique tidbits about the film to light, such as how a good deal of the names in the end credits are fake because Hal Warren wanted to make it seem like more people worked on the movie than actually had.  She also states that Warren made up most of the names of the actresses/models that played the Master's wives because he didn't bother to learn their names.  One interesting note I found was that Jackie suspects the movie used just about all the footage Warren had shot, because he needed the film to be feature length, which certainly explains all the extended driving scenes in the film.

There are several questions regarding the relative quality of the film, including one that asks everyone if there's anything about it that they think is objectively good.  Mary Jo really likes the ending song and Joel likes the unique end credit font.  They are also asked if they've ever seen any film that's worse than Manos, to which Jackie responds instantly with another film she wound up in called Curse of Bigfoot, which actually wound up on RiffTrax in 2012.  Joel claims he thinks this season's The Bubble is just as bad, and Matt nods his head in agreement.

If I may chime in, RiffTrax just did Things.  Imagine Manos, but it couldn't relate any sort of plot.

While I will confess disappointment in the short tonight, it was followed up by an absolute banger of an episode (you can't argue with Manos, you just can't) and a quality post show Q&A with an excellent guest.  This whole experience was well worth it, even if the appetizer didn't quite work out.

Max Havoc: Ring of Fire (RiffTrax)

Film Year:  2006

Genre:  Action

Director:  Terry Ingram

Starring:  Mickey Hardt, Christina Cox, Linda Thorson, Dean Cain, Rae Dawn Chong, Martin Kove

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

Max Havoc is back by lukewarm demand!  Despite nobody really noticing that the previous film had existed at all, this sequel was made.  According to the Wikipedia article for the first film a sequel was always supposed to come out and help set up a Max Havoc TV series.  This wasn't it.  That film's production wound up being a disaster, with lawsuits being tossed around as a result, and all of that was scrapped.  But it looks like someone decided to throw star Mickey Hardt a bone and dust off Max Havoc for a second film two years later anyway.  Little information seems to be out there on the production of this eventual second film, except that it jumped ship from the Guam locales to Canada as the Guam government was a nightmare to work with.

Max Havoc:  Ring of Fire sees the titular kickboxer-turned-photographer as he arrives in Seattle to perform a photoshoot on a sexy tennis player who is henpecked by her managing mother.  While there, Max befriends a small orphan child who winds up witnessing the murder of his brother and becomes the target of local corruption, led by villainous hotel manager Dean Cain.  Can Max find the child, beat the bad guy, and bang the tennis star in the span of a single day?  You bet!

Ring of Fire tries to scale back to a less trainwrecked production to see if Mickey Hardt has it in him to be a direct to video franchise star, maybe like a lesser Jean-Claude Van Damme or Jason Statham.  Unfortunately the Swiss kickboxer doesn't have much charisma or screen presence so perhaps while the generosity of a second chance was admirable, it was also misguided.  Max Havoc hardly does anything throughout the movie except get his luggage stolen, then randomly appear in the nick of time when someone needs him to kick someone else in the face.  The film strays away from Max quite often, likely because they realized Hardt was sucking the air out of every scene he's in and they're looking for more engaging personalities.  Dean Cain, for example, is a has-been who has been coasting off of playing Superman in a cancelled TV show for the last few decades, but at least he's a somewhat expressive actor.  It's really no wonder the movie seems more interested in him.

Too bad about that hair, Dean.

In fact a lot of the supporting crew in this movie is more interesting than its lead.  The leading lady is a stuntwoman named Christina Cox, who isn't great in this movie but it seems like she's pushing lackluster material harder than Hardt is.  Probably her biggest claim to fame is being a boxing double for Hillary Swank in the Oscar winner Million Dollar Baby, while genre fans will know her from a bit role as a merc in the Vin Diesel sci-fi/fantasy vehicle The Chronicles of Riddick (she's the one with the abs, and you know what scene I'm talking about don't pretend you don't).  Her badgering mother is played by Linda Thorson, who was the unlucky lady who was chosen to replace Diana Rigg on the final season of the non-Marvel-related TV series The Avengers.  A slight role is given to Rae Dawn Chong, who MSTies will know from City Limits and movie fans in general will love from The Quest for Fire, The Color Purple, and Commando.  We also have Karate Kid villain Martin Kove as a corrupt cop, rounding out this rich cast of "Hey, I've seen them before!" actors.

Unfortunately as downward spiraling careers go down the toilet, a movie like Max Havoc:  Ring of Fire happens, where they all wind up in one place filming a movie nobody really wants to make or to see.  I don't know if the producers were still considering a Max Havoc TV series at the time, though this flick does have several curious fade-outs like they were editing in commercial breaks.  If this were a proposed TV pilot it wouldn't surprise me.  I mean, it's hardly a movie so it might as well be.

The Trax

Max Havoc:  Ring of Fire is a fair riff.  There are a few moments that caused me to laugh out loud, though I can't say that for the entire length of the piece.  For the most part it's engaging.  The movie is bearably stupid and there is plenty to comment on, whether with wit or to just poke it.  One of the biggest reactions I had was early on where Bill had a sudden freak-out because a character had his shirt off for seemingly no reason at all just to put it on.  Moments like this are a lot of fun.

I think the ultimate failing is that as dumb as this movie is, it's unremarkable.  They poke fun at how non-Seattle this Canadian town is, and express surprise that the film is obsessed with using a grungy little tunnel as a walkway as much as they do.  They get a kick out of how overbearing the mother is, even during her introduction scene where Mike just suddenly quips "I'm Karen, by the way."  There is a random scene in the middle of the movie where Max Havoc frets about having lost the orphan boy to his lady co-star, only to bail on the urgency of the matter and jump into bed together.  This is nutty stuff.

The riff never feels whole though.  Quite a bit of it feels like safe, filler material, like just reiterating that the female lead is supposed to be a tennis star over and over again and it often feels like stating something because they have a quota that needs to be met.  They show a bit of restraint on Dean Cain, allowing themselves only a couple of Lois & Clark riffs, of which usually feel like a wasted opportunity.  The statement "I was in a room with Teri Hatcher's breasts!" isn't really all that funny while the image of a beaten up Cain with the jab of "I'm nobody's favorite Superman." just didn't land like I think they wanted it to.  And when they have nothing else to say, they find themselves questioning what the film's titular "Ring of Fire" refers to, which is only tepidly amusing at best.  There are some highs to this second round of Max Havoc action, but the whole is not the sum of its parts.

Average

Holiday from Rules? (RiffTrax Shorts)

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

"Perhaps you would like to learn what it would be like to live in a world where there are no rules."

"How would we do that?"

"Go to Reddit!"

A group of children are pouting that they have to follow rules and that's no fun.  So a narrator is here to teach the a lesson It's a Wonderful Life style where he shows them what life would be like without rules.  He transports them to an island away from rules where they can do what they want.  Soon the kids find it's hard to live life without rules.  That is before turning into a tribe of savages screaming "KILL THE PIG!  DRINK HIS BLOOD!"

I think we all went through that point as a child where we just didn't want to do what our parents said, always blaming "the rules."  Some kids even based their entire teenage personality on breaking the rules because "You just don't get me, mom!"  Holiday from Rules serves something as a double purpose in that it shows not just how rules are important for safety but how rules shape things that kids enjoy like games.  Predictably the short devolves into a bunch of kids screaming at each other for stupid reasons, which can get a bit grating.  If I wanted that, I'd watch Fox News.

"Isn't there any game we can play where we don't have to follow any rules?"

"Russian Roulette springs to mind."

This short is practically child's play, as it's so loud and obnoxious with a really silly premise where all rules are off.  That doesn't stop them from following a few rules of their own, because a bunch of kids on an island seems to indicate Lord of the Flies references should be on the table, and of course they are.  The one real challenge to this short is that it can get grating as it gets more shrill, but the good news is that the laughs are constant enough to overcome that.  This Holiday from Rules is a holiday worth taking.

Thumbs Up

👍

Things (RiffTrax)

Film Year:  1989

Genre:  Horror

Director:  Andrew Jordan

Starring:  Pornographic actress Amber Lynn

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbet

The Movie

Things is a microbudget thriller that was made by a pair of Canadians who filmed a movie at their house the best they could with home recording equipment.  The film is a movie about a group of dudes hanging out in a house before getting attacked by tiny critters who eat them alive.  What are they?  The movie seems to have an idea but doesn't quite make it clear.

Things is a film that started with a Super 8 camera and somehow wound up in video stores across the planet, whether people wanted to watch it or not.  A lot about Things is inexplicable, including why it's as widely circulated as it is.  Arguably that's the craziest thing about Things, how known it became on the VHS market when practically any other time period would have caused a movie like this to just get washed away and quickly forgotten.

This flick looks and feels like it was made by a group of guys who were trying to do their own take on Sam Raimi's Evil Dead, getting together and making a horror movie with what equipment they have access to.  Due to lack of skill, time, budget, and virtually anything they needed, Things instead became closer to "Manos" The Hands of Fate, something that resembles a pasted together home movie with ugly, prolonged sequences beefing it up while also boasting terrible dubbed audio to make the whole ordeal even worse.  The key difference between Manos and Things is that it is possible to follow a plot in Manos.  With Things it's not so simple.

The whole film somehow transcends narrative and becomes a bizarrely surreal experience, like someone having a bad trip and just freaking out for no discernable reason.  It's a movie that feels like it has a storyline but isn't very good at relating it to the audience watching it.  Somehow that becomes a part of its charisma, because the movie bumbles around in a direction that seemingly makes sense to it even if you don't understand why.  If you really dig deep into Things you can identify a traditional horror formula structure in its bones, it just has no interest in letting it flow.

What makes it even worse are sequences that are clearly added in after the film was completed, likely to beef up the film or just add some semblance of sex appeal.  The dream sequence prologue to the picture serves absolutely no purpose, but it exists because the filmmakers thought their horror movie needed nudity so they hired a prostitute of the street and shot a scene with her.  Hiring a hooker seems a bit unnecessary, seeing how the film features an actual porn star in Amber Lynn who was also added to the movie in post.  Apparently they hired her to have her supply nudity in the film at first but the salary they were offering wasn't enough to get her to take her top off, so they gave her a pointless role as a reporter where she just stands in place cluelessly and reads off of cue cards to her right.  The only reason she's still in the movie at all is because they wanted to advertise the fact that she was in the movie even if she didn't do anything other than stand on a cue and look dead-eyed.  However there is only one reason why you would ever rent a movie starring Amber Lynn and she doesn't even do it in this movie.

Makes you wish you wandered to the XXX section and rented something from there instead.

Things is a movie where it clearly took an effort to make it but nobody knew what they were doing.  It's something that shouldn't even be a footnote in cinema but somehow people still know what it is and talk about it today.  That's some sort of an achievement I don't think the makers of Things had in mind when they made it but you have to take what victories you can get.

The Trax

"Oh no, not THINGS!" - Mike Nelson, Werewolf

Just when you thought RiffTrax already offered their most incoherent movie of the year in Winterbeast, they're all like "Hold my beer" and pull Things out of their pants.

Someone who recommends movies to RiffTrax has to be a Joe Bob Briggs fan, because there have been a couple of flicks that RiffTrax has featured after they've been on The Last Drive-In.  Contamination for example, was riffed pretty soon after hitting the Drive-In.  Things is a movie that Joe Bob showed on his show last year, and he and co-host Diana Prince hyped it up as one of the worst movies they'd ever have the guts to show (I actually didn't watch this episode because I missed all of last season due to work scheduling).  Almost a full year later, here were are with a riff of Things.

The big issue with riffing Things is that the plot is damn near incomprehensible, which makes latching onto certain aspects of it and cracking wise challenging.  The jokes then tend to tread a lot of water of Mike, Kevin, and Bill being utterly baffled by what is going on in front of them, and who can blame them?  Things is something.  Nobody knows what, but it's something.

"This movie seems like it was conceived, written, and filmed in under two hours during a severe gas leak."

"And the experience of watching it is how I imagine to die slowly during that same severe gas leak."

It's incomprehensibility somehow does become a virtue because somehow the trio constantly finds new ways of being baffled by this stupid movie, which will change its scene on a dime and not care if you're keeping up.  It's a jarring experience and they are horrified by and resentful of what they see, wishing the movie's far too long hour runtime were even shorter.  Mike, Kevin, and Bill are never at a loss for words during Things, but they do have moments where all they can do is just describe what's happening onscreen because that's really all you can do.  Like describing Amber Lynn's reporter character constantly reading her dialogue like the director had a gun on her.

"Oh man!  What did I do?!"

"Unfortunately the camerawork was so bad that we'll never truly know."

When a joke does connect with this movie, it can bring the house down.  I threw my head back and laughed many times during this riff, which makes me firmly believe it was a successful riff all things considered.  Those who wish to follow along with a silly little movie will find the experience wanting as the movie is probably as close to unwatchable as a movie ever got.  Because of this I'm at a loss of how to recommend this one, because it is funny, very funny even, but it's not exactly worth sitting through.  This is one for those who don't care about coherence and thrive off the trash and the laughs and want that whirlwind experience.  For them I say you can't really do better.

I am forced to fall back on my personal experience and say I had a blast.  The one thing that I find myself hesitant on being glowing about this one is that I think the movie causes it to lack rewatchability.  But I probably thought the same thing about Manos when I first saw it, so I'm going to throw that precaution to the wind and say this RiffTrax is great.

Classic

Good Grooming for Girls (RiffTrax Shorts)

RiffTrax Year:  2022

Riffers:  Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl

Upon seeing her friend Rosemarie in the paper, our narrator can't help but admire how pretty she looks and how wonderful her figure is.  She immediately asks Rosemarie if she can spend the night at her house, potentially to nurture the idea that she might like her more than a friend.  But her seduction techniques can't make it out of first gear, as they begin talking fashion and how Rosemarie prepares her garments and her styles to look as fashionable and beautiful every single day.

This short is a simple guide for young women to learn how to get themselves beautiful and stay that way as this white male driven society won't allow homeliness and such nonsense.  Go buy yourself something pretty.  How handy is it?  Couldn't tell you, but it's mostly about pre-planning your wardrobe and making sure it looks tidy.  I'm not sure we needed a short for that, but here it is.

Whether this short is necessary or not for women to know how to dress, Bridget and Mary Jo are on fire throughout, mocking the quaint grooming tips and how youth obsessed it is.  Riffs come fast and heavy on the simple production, from noting that up close that as perfect as she might be, Rosemarie's hand double is undoubtedly male as they comment on her "man thumb."  The short also includes a little bit of dirtying up how neat and proper these girls are...

"I used to think Rosemarie was naturally attractive."

"Now I know it was just the booze talking."

They also get frustrated as the short refuses to end, instead continuing as the narrator goes over what she learned from Rosemarie and attributes it to her daily life, because we all had to hear this a second time.  Good Grooming for Girls is a ten minute delight and features the duo of Bridget and Mary Jo at their best.  It's well worth a pick up for all RiffTrax fans!

Thumbs Up

👍

The Devil's Hand (RiffTrax)

Film Year:  1961

Genre:  Thriller

Director:  William J. Hole Jr.

Starring:  Robert Alda, Linda Christian, Ariadna Welter, Neil Hamilton, Gere Craft

RiffTrax Year:  2011

Riffers:  Micheal J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

The Devil's Hand is the story of Robert Alda having dreams of the lovely Linda Christian, which amount to just imagery of her dancing around in a nighty.  So, of course, he wants to tap that.  Making his dreams even weirder is that he sees a doll resembling the mystery woman in the window of a doll shop, and the doll shop owner (played by Neil Hamilton of TV's Batman) informs Alda that he was the one who ordered it made.  Alda has no recollection of this, but soon he meets the woman of his dreams in real life.  She turns out to be a witch member of a voodoo devil worshiping cult, which the doll shop is a front for.  As Alda falls madly for her spell, he becomes intertwined in the satanic rituals.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans might be interested in knowing that The Devil's Hand was a movie that was quickly made for a double feature, in which its co-feature was Bloodlust, which is a film that feels similarly in how it has an engaging premise that it hasn't quite thought out that well.  Apparently The Devil's Hand was shot very fast as the very young distributor Crown International Pictures had little money (Bloodlust and The Devil's Hand were among its first films) and wanted the movie done and making revenue as soon as possible.  Crown was so short on cash that they wound up stiffing some of the actors on their paychecks, including lead actresses and sisters in real life Linda Christian and Ariadna Welter.

It comes as no surprise that the film was filmed in a hurry.  It feels padded to reach a bare minimum for feature film length while actual moments where the plot actually moves are few and far between as the film seemingly contemplates where it should take this nonsense next.  It all too often decides to do something that might seem cool in concept but lackluster in execution, such as a wheel of blades where some are real and some are paper and spinning it to decree that survivors are chosen as true believers of their cause.  This idea falls flat as all the blades look fake and when one strikes it's hard to tell if you're supposed to react to it as if someone got killed or not until the movie tells you.

Credit where credit is due, The Devil's Hand has half an idea here that could make a pretty solid movie.  It doesn't even need to change its cast even, as everyone plays their roles fine with special marks to the sisterly-duo-playing-romantic-rivals Christian and Welter, who I enjoyed in the film quite a lot.  Christian in particular is an excellent femme fatale villain.  There are things here that are promising, such as playing with the voodoo dolls for various effects on characters which make for some effective sequences.  One of the cooler ones involves Neil Hamilton using a doll to have a man wreck his car and then he lights the doll on fire to set it ablaze.  The Devil's Hand never lives up to its best moments, which is too bad because it makes me want to like it.

The Trax

The Devil's Hand was one of RiffTrax's earliest VOD titles, back when their market was mostly dominated by riffs for blockbuster movies.  This riff benefits from being a bit like the type of film you'd see on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and it's even a watchable one at that.  Things like this were a refreshing change of pace back then, though in the large body of RiffTrax work since it's a bit difficult for The Devil's Hand to raise its head above the crowd.

But it's a pretty silly movie for them to tackle and Mike, Kevin, and Bill are more than ready to point out the film's many glaring logic inconsistencies.  They attempt to follow the plot but get pretty annoyed when it takes it a direction that seems to lack reason.  Some of the things they have fun with is just how much of a man-slut Robert Alda is in the film, dropping his girlfriend for another pretty face on a dime, and they play with the sexual nature of their satanic relationship in fun ways.  I love a sequence early on between Alda and Christian as the riffers just go through the different steps of how these two just had the most disappointing sex of their lives.  They also talk about how our voodoo villains don't ever seem to do anything logically villainous, like how Christian discovers that Alda took the pin out of Welter's doll and doesn't even bother to put the pin back in.  Another example being all-things-considered pretty neat car wreck scene, where Mike questions whether setting the car on fire after the man had obviously been killed already did anything useful.

And also there is a fun scene with a drunk blonde witch, which Mike dubs "An early experiment in Tara Reid."

This riff does go a bit in more non-PC directions you would find in earlier RiffTrax offerings.  There are a few mean fat jokes and more than a couple of lazy gay jokes (though I will say that the "I want a crack at him" line is hilarious and I will die on that hill).  The Devil's Hand is blemished but funny.  This is a riff with the riffers just reading the name of the director and stating "We at RiffTrax would like to thank William Hole Jr. simply for having that name."  That's just exactly what needed to be said.

Good

The Magic Shelf (RiffTrax Shorts)

RiffTrax Year:  2016

Riffers:  Bridget Nelson, Mary Jo Pehl

Soup!  Won't you?

That's about the extent of what this short is about.  The Magic Shelf is a short produced by Campbell's Soup showcasing the many ways you can both enhance their delicious canned soup and how you can improve your every day meals with the addition of soup.  And in addition to the soup recipes featured in today's short, we also start off with a magic show to snap us to attention before it bores us and/or makes us hungry.

Perhaps I'm underestimating The Magic Shelf, as it was made during a period in which we didn't have Martha Stewart giving us recipe tips, a full time Food Network, Gordon Ramsay screaming at you for making food wrong, or even YouTube videos letting the world know your own personal recipes.  The Magic Shelf probably served a function to house wives of the 50's who are looking for tips for their next meal so their husband doesn't run off with his secretary.

Bridget and Mary Jo seem a bit taken aback by the short more than anything.  They don't understand the magic act, while the recipes in the ten minute finale don't seem to appetize them at all.  They seem bemused by it, possibly because they've had experience as family home cooks themselves and they think what's on display is weird.  Trust me, you do not want me fixing a meal for you, so I'll probably have to admit I'm not quite with them on this journey because I'm practically unsalvageable in the culinary arts.

I didn't really laugh a lot during this one.  I enjoyed a quip at Breaking Bad calling our hostess the "Walter White of the kitchen," though nothing really sticks out.  I also enjoyed Bridget's little breakdown at the end.  But while the short is pleasant, I think Bridget and Mary Jo were more amused about what was going on than I was.

Thumbs Down

👎

1301-Santo in The Treasure of Dracula

Film Year:  1968

Genre:  Adventure, Horror, Science Fiction

Director:  René Cardona

Starring:  Noelia Noel, Aldo Monti, and SANTO!

MST Season:  13

Host:  Jonah

The Movie

Santo is BACK and this time he's...fighting vampires again.  But he has a time machine, so there!

The Treasure of Dracula is El Santo's twentieth feature film, which sees the Lucho Libre using his immense wealth to build a time machine to find clues to find a treasure of the legendary vampire Dracula (hence the title).  He sends his busty assistant into the past to live a previous lifetime where she was preyed upon by the count and as the story comes to a close, Santo will use what he has seen to find the treasure and distribute the wealth to the poor.  Why he doesn't just donate to charity since he's obviously rich is anyone's guess, but he's not the only one after Dracula's treasure and must wrestle for his right to the claim.  Though Dracula himself might also have a say in the matter.

This film feels like two movies shoved together.  The first half of the film is a fairly standard Dracula tale as the vampire sneaks into a woman's room and sucks on her neck until two old men start to notice there is a Dracula that is Dracula-ing about and decide to kill him.  To make matters wacky, this portion brings to mind the Roger Corman flick The Undead where this is all a story of a woman reliving memories of a past life, only this time it's with a time machine and she can easily come home.  Speaking of that time machine, it is straight out of Austin Powers:  The Spy Who Shagged Me.  I have no idea if Mike Myers had seen this movie or not, but the designs are so similar that the Mystery Science Theater version even includes a riff at its expense.

The second half of the movie sees Santo and company on a treasure hunt through a cemetery doing some Scooby Doo work and re-enact some Three Stooges routines (I'm pretty sure the swallowing a whistle gag came straight from a Stooge short), racing bad guys to the gold.  When all else fails, they agree to a competition for the right to hunt for the treasure, which is just an excuse to set up a sequence in which El Santo fights someone in a wrestling ring and wins.  Rocky this movie is not.

Compared to the previous Santo flick seen on MST3K, Samson vs. the Vampire Women, The Treasure of Dracula is less dull.  It's a lot more ambitious and fairly wacky, which makes it the more enjoyable of the two.  One interesting thing to note is that there were two versions of the film made, one with nudity (known as "The Sexy Cut"), which was to be distributed through Europe, and one without, which was for domestic release.  Santo apparently wanted to keep a family friendly image and tried to repress the cut with nudity, though that doesn't stop the watered down version to have a lot of deep shots of women's cleavage pointing directly at the camera.  The nudity version was thought lost for decades until they unearthed it and released the film on blu-ray, which currently makes it the more widely seen version today (though arguably the MST version will be the most widely seen version now).

El Santo was an Elvis Presley type superstar back in his day, being shoved into cheap flicks because everyone knew they would make money.  I guess one would have to compare him to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson today, another wrestler who became an international movie superstar.  Santo seemed less choosy about what movies he starred in, but he and Johnson's flicks are probably equally as dumb and enjoyable.

The Epiode

After a long, excruciating wait, Mystery Science Theater 3000 has survived cancellation yet again.  Well fine, Mr. Largest-Streaming-Service-In-The-World, if you don't want us we'll just start our OWN streaming service!

Welcome to the Gizmoplex!  Or...the foundations of the Gizmoplex.  Okay, so technically the Gizmoplex doesn't exist as of this writing, as they're still working on putting that little online theater experience together, which will hopefully be up and running to the public by May.  Gizmoplex.com and handful of MST3K apps DO exist though, and for now they're distributing new MST3K episodes through that exclusively to Kickstarter backers and those who purchased a live stream package while other MSTies will gain access to what episodes have been released on May 6th.  According to the release schedule, that means the first three episodes of the newly launched thirteenth season will have premiered by that point, so there will be a nice cluster to pick up on that date.

Now, one thing to remember about this new season of MST3K is that it was made with Covid-19 protocols in place, which means the production is intensely scaled back.  The Netflix seasons were larger scale, because they had bigger studio space at their disposal and even some big streamer money to play with.  As an independent production that is self distributed made in the middle of the pandemic, if you're expecting this to look like the Netflix seasons, you're going to be disappointed.  The aesthetic is much, much cheaper looking.  The performers now do their skits against a green screen, even on the Satellite of Love stage in which they no longer have a physical backdrop and because of this Tom Servo's head is no longer transparent but rather a cloudy white color.  Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt had done a lot of their work against a green screen anyway in the previous seasons, but the show no longer has large sets projected onto the background behind them because they don't have those large sets anymore.  Instead they have some digitally painted backgrounds that look similar to what you would see the celebrity guest stars work against in season 11.

How does it look?  Well...it's a good thing nobody watches MST3K for lavish production value, let me tell you.  One thing I will say is that while MST3K has always looked cheap (it's an independent puppet show), one of the things I've always liked about the sets was the interactivity and how handcrafted they were.  With a digital set you can't really interact with it.  This was actually a criticism I never really vocalized about the Mads segments in the last few seasons, as Kinga and Max were usually stationary and there was never interesting scene blocking like you would see between Dr. Forrester and Frank or Pearl, Bobo, and Observer.  And the backgrounds, while detailed, look pretty flat, which loses a lot of potential interactivity.  This doesn't really seem to matter all that much on the SOL, which plays out pretty much like it normally does (except for a digital painting doorway sequence, which is interesting but looks a little off to me).  The Mads scenes are where it feels like we're being gutted a bit, because it feels like the lowest tech it's been since KTMA.  If nothing else, just an adjustment in lighting the actors would probably make a difference, because it still feels like Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt are lit with some violet colors like they were on the old Moon 13 set.  The new Moon 1 set doesn't really have violet in it, so they feel disconnected.  (Editor's Note:  This was written based off of the preview screening for Kickstarter backers.  In the final version the Moon 1 set has been altered to add violet lighting.  But for comparison's sake, I still have the below screenshot of the unfinished version)

Pre-Release Version:

Premiere Version:

Now I want to clarify, I absolutely understand why this is done this way.  I've lost family to Covid and I am fully in support of restrained production to make the series safer to work on.  If we ever get out of this pandemic, I would hope to see them work physical sets back into the series, if only to just see Tom Servo's transparent head make a comeback.

That's enough talk about the new production standards, the important thing that everyone is waiting on pins and needles to see are new theater segments.  That's always been the main course of MST3K and it always will be.  The good news is that this production has returned to "in theater" riffing, which has the riffers actually riffing the movie from chairs while filming the theater scenes, which adds so much to the experience.  The last few seasons had their lines recorded from a sound booth and dubbed over the theater footage, which felt artificial.  The riffing in this episode is nice and relaxed and not oversaturated.  There were some great episodes in the last two seasons, but this is the homey feel that I like to see from the series.

But riffing experiences do vary from episode to episode.  Santo in The Treasure of Dracula is a step forward in finding the grove of riffing MST thrives best on, though the riffing itself tends to sit a bit on the fence.  The episode has jokes in it that are very funny, but I don't feel like I was engaged throughout the episode.  I'd probably liken the experience to that of the last Santo movie on the series, Samson vs. the Vampire Women, in that I felt it got funnier when Santo was onscreen rather than off.  Santo has more to do in the second half of the episode, which really makes that portion of the episode spark a bit more.

That being said, I wouldn't call this a bad episode overall.  I enjoyed watching it, and if I were to call it "middle-of-the-road" I'd say it was a top tier middling episode, kinda like how I consider The Painted Hills or Devil Fish middling despite there being some killer stuff in each.  Some would consider those favorites and I can see some taking a liking to Treasure of Dracula just as easily.  Treasure of Dracula is like riffing two movies in one package and there is charm to that, while fun targets include Santo himself, his comic sidekick Perico, some wild Bela Lugosi impressions for Dracula, and yes, there is even a wrestling match.

But why are Jonah and the Bots here again?  Didn't they make their way off the Satellite at the end of last season?  I guess the bus they were on circled back at the end of the tour, and in escaping the prison Kinga and Max were stuck in they self-destructed Moon 13, and are now stationed in another base, Moon 1.  Status quo retained, the experiment is still on!

There are three host segments again, in case you're one of those who lamented the loss of one last season.  I was a defender of that choice as the loss of a host segment put the show in a simple three act structure.  However the reintroduction of a middle segment actually serves a purpose of setting up a new intermission break, giving the commercial sign a use again in the process, so I welcome it back.  The host segment sketches lean heavily on Jonah and the Bots putting on little performances inspired by the film.  Tom Servo tries to use the time travel techniques to reveal humiliating secrets from Jonah's past, Jonah puts on a Home Shopping Network type of display with film props (and a sexy Santo mask), and there is a pre-wrestling match aggression display between Crow and Servo where they can't stop complimenting each other.  On the note of that last one, Baron's use of the word "brotherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" would make Hulk Hogan proud.  The Invention Exchange is mostly used as a setup for Kinga to talk about the Gizmoplex cinema she built on the moon, but it also offers a chance for Jonah to point out that Crow has "headlights" now, which is just the show's way of calling attention to the fact that the new Crow puppet can blink.  While we're on the subject of bot changes, Tom Servo's arms are slinkies again while Gypsy has now been upgraded to a slimmer GPC model (this was done because Joel decided to change Gypsy's name after finding out "gypsy" is considered an ethnic slur).

The episode closes out with a funny bit where the Gizmoplex gets hit by a meteor and Kinga and Max try to save all the Cambots inside.  That's another neat thing the show does in that it not only shows off a new Cambot model but gives Cambot models actual screentime.  It could be interesting to see them play around with this concept of many Cambots and develop them as actual characters, which MST has always been somewhat reluctant to do since it's hard to actually have Cambot interact with the show.

And for the curious, there is no hint of the new co-host Emily seen in the episode, though the new Mad Mega Synthia has a brief cameo.  Mary Jo Pehl is also back for a small walk-on as Pearl Forrester, which is weird since last we saw her she wanted as little to do with Kinga as possible.  But she seems excited about the Gizmoplex and even bought tickets to The Crawling Eye.

When bringing back this show there always seems to be pressure to start with your best foot forward.  Normally that doesn't happen, as episodes like Revenge of the Creature and Reptilicus are both solid but blemished because there is a growing pain of having to master a change that might cripple them.  Santo in The Treasure of Dracula tries to work around a lot and while it's not quite as enjoyable as those two episodes, it's not a strike out either.  There's neat stuff littered throughout the episode that keeps one optimistic about the prospect that Mystery Science Theater is back and will never say die.  There are also some aspects that I have to begrudgingly accept are a part of the show if I want it to continue with the hope that they may expand if the opportunity arises.  I've always been one to accept what is rather than fret about what isn't, so I'll live with it.  The new incarnation of the show is imperfect, but it does show promise where it counts.  The first episode is just okay, but it could prove to be a comfort episode in the future.

Average

The Backer Livestream

One fun aspect of the new Mystery Science Theater 3000 is that these episodes are being debuted in livestreams with exclusive content for those who paid for the full package of watching them as they debut.  The version of Santo in The Treasure of Dracula we watched for this live event is actually incomplete, as the end credits have not been added yet as they had yet to be finalized and we didn't even get a stinger out of the deal.  But streaming it live brought us quite a bit of content in its place, as Joel Hodgson, Matt McGinnis, Rebecca Hansen, Tim Ryder, and Lesley Kinzel are all here to answer questions and talk about the new season.  The experience isn't too different from the aftershows to the Mads riffs that we've been seeing.

The stream started with an intro from Joel thanking us for supporting the show and then flinging us into the episode.  Then the thing we all probably expected to happen did happen...everything broke.  The screen was then overtaken by a large white dot, which lit MSTies on social media on fire.  This became our new favorite character on the show.  All hail the White Dot!  It is love.  It is legend.  It is ours.

The stream broke down for a good twenty minutes and as they rushed to fix it they put up little captions making fun of the situation.  That's why I love MST3K.  Even when it goes horribly wrong, they can make it funny.

What's interesting is that we also have a commercial break as well.  This episode takes an "intermission" halfway through, which sees Pearl, Synthia, Jonah, and the Bots do ads for real life sponsors of the new MST3K in character.  I thought it was a lot of fun and a clever way to lean into the show's history while also not only giving purpose to jumping out of the theater halfway through but also earning some ad revenue on the side.  Some of these products do look interesting, I might have to check some of those books out at the very least.  And a B-movie inspired RPG sounds like a blast!  Extending the intermission is a little zoom skit with Joel, Matt, and production assistant Josh Warner where they make nachos and mock soda pop with their own brand names ("Mountain Don't," "A&W Foot Beer," "Spite").  It goes on a bit long and I didn't enjoy it as much as the actual ads, but I'm into the cheesy vibe of it.  They also advertise this month's Vault Picks:  Teenagers from Outer Space, Hercules Against the Moon Men, The Human Duplicators, Outlaw, Zombie Nightmare, and The She-Creature.

The aftershow kicks off with Joel, Matt, Rebecca, Tim, and Lesley talking about the production and answering questions.  Matt starts off with a frustrating story about shipping bots to film the host segments across the country only to have them arrive three weeks late and with a ruined Crow.  They discuss what their favorite episodes to write for are, to which Joel had fun with The Christmas Dragon, Rebecca enjoyed The Mask, Tim loved Million Eyes of Sumuru, Lesley gushes about Gamera vs. Jiger, while Matt is torn between The Mask and The Christmas Dragon.  They also talk about the new look of the show, referring to it a "Flatimation."

They conclude the session pretty fast, so they can get to a tour of the in-production Gizmoplex design with Ivan Askwith.  They tour all the new features and how to navigate the upcoming site, which looks pretty straightforward and fun.  I'm in love with the little cardboard standee icons, which are absolutely adorable.

I had fun during this stream.  The episode probably won't become a favorite of mine, but it was great to just plan an evening around a new episode of Mystery Science Theater again, order some food, and chug some alcohol.  I even like how the stream accidentally looped to some raw footage after I just left it on, so I got to see everyone rehearsing all of their talking points (this is cut out of the download version, so I saw things I shouldn't have seen).  I look forward to doing it again once Robot Wars hits.  See you all on April 1st!

The Premiere Livestream

"We live in a world of farts and arguments." - Matt McGinnis

(this is settled Matt, this will be printed on your tombstone)

Oh?  Am I not done?  Well, shit.  I guess I have yet another livestream to cover.  THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL, JOEL!

I guess they wanted to do live events for people who were unable to buy the Kickstarter event package but wanted to check out the Gizmoplex opening day.  So here we are, back again, with another stream and the same episode.  At least the episode is actually finished this time.  Also, they altered the Moon 1 background in the episode to address my complaints about it that I printed above, so no when I have that complaint in my review I now look like an ass.  Joke's on you, I'm not changing it.  Looking like an ass is what I do best.

Anyway, this stream starts with a little segment where Joel shows off the features of the Gizmoplex, which is a skimmed down tour compared to what we saw when Ivan showed it off in the previous livestream but it encourages people to play with its unique features.  Site looks gorgeous and I'm digging it.

The main difference between this stream and the last is that the previous one had a lot more to do with production choices for the new season, as well as showing off what the Gizmoplex was going to look like.  This stream is more devoted to the episode itself, as we have more cast members joining in the discussion, talking about the movie, and the writing experience.  I think the last stream was more for people who wanted a production update while the second is just gabbing about the season and teasing the rest of the episodes to come.

Returning from the previous livestream is Joel, Matt, and Rebecca, while performers Jonah Ray, Hampton Yaunt, and Felicia Day are also on call.  Felicia actually has to duck out early on, but she is able to answer one question before she goes about stepping into the Kinga character after all this time, comparing it to riding a bike or playing billiards.  Jonah takes issue with the billiards comparison, which makes me thing Felicia hustled him at the tables at one time.  Jonah is actually being at the show's post production studio, and does a little roundtable with some post crew before signing off to help celebrate them, which would be delightful if they didn't look like they were being held hostage (their eyes say "This man says we can't leave, HELP US!").  Hampton is very quiet throughout most of the stream, and for a while he acts like a deer in headlights every time Matt asks him a question.  He loosens up about halfway through, as the cast urges him to do his "gas station" Morgan Freeman voice and just lets loose a few zingers like "The Passion of the Gamera" and "OH NO!  SQUID GAME!"

There is looser talk about the writing process than there was in the previous stream, with more thorough details about what goes on in the writer's rooms and who contributes what kind of riff.  There is praise for various different writers, who both work onscreen and off, and how they help form what you see on the show.  Joel does discuss a bit about how certain riffs are sorted out, though he thinks the fundamental type of riffs for a character despite being played by two different actors stays the same (he uses Crow, being played by Hampton and Kelsey, as an example).  One thing he says that I find curious is that he says it's a bit more complicated during his episodes where he is riffing with J. Elvis Weinstein and Conor McGiffin.  Now, this is the first bit of news we've heard about who was playing Joel's Bots during his episodes (other than Jonah stating that J. Elvis and Bill Corbett were returning for the episodes on a podcast last year before Bill stated he turned the offer down in an official statement), so the names he drops here are rather curious because they are two actors who play Tom Servo.  If you want to get technical, J. Elvis Weinstein played Crow in two episodes of the KTMA season, but I don't think the crew would ask him back to voice Crow.  I did assume that Conor and Kelsey Ann Brady (or Nate Begle at the time, but let's not go there) were going to play Joel's Bots simply because they had experience with Joel on the Live tours, but that was far from official confirmation.  Bringing up both J. Elvis and Conor in the same statement about the issue raises more questions than answers.  Are they both voicing Tom Servo at different points in his episodes?  Or is Conor puppeteering while J. Elvis does the voice?  Or is it vice versa and did you just toss the puppet into J. Elvis's hands and say "I know it's been thirty years, but do your best." then give him a thumbs up?

That's the one part of the stream I'm stuck on, but I look forward to finding out the answer.

They also discuss the potential of doing longer movies, which Joel shoots down pretty definitively, not wanting the show to wear out its welcome.  And, you know, given RiffTrax's history with two hour plus blockbusters, I will say that it's a rare occasion when I'm not checking the time on riffs that run lengthy.  The discussion then evolves to why they edit movies down, which Jonah states is to help make the movies less repetitive and to help the joke flow of the episode.  They do talk about the one film they weren't allowed to edit this season, Gamera vs. Jiger, and how it could get brutal in the writer's room, though they are optimistic about the final episode, due to debut in July.

They close off by reading off names of some of the larger backers, though it seems a few of them are a bit worn down by this point, coming up with some jokey ways to read names, some of which hit and some of which miss (Hampton's Stone Cold Steve Austin bit drowns and he acknowledges it).  Joel even questions how many names they need to read off, because he's not sure how much longer they're running.  I wouldn't worry about it, Joel.  It's not hard to tune out if you don't want to hear the cast read names.

But those who didn't stay to the end would have missed the verbal confirmation the next premiere livestream of Robot Wars will have a very special guest, the lovely Barbara Crampton!  Should we discuss the sexism of that movie, or should we keep the tone light?  I guess we'll find out!  Until then this was a fun revisit of this first episode of the season with some slight tweaks and more appreciation, though I'm still not hugely enamored with the episode.  Let's see how Robot Wars goes down.