Multiplex Madness
28 Years Later...: The Bone Temple
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Genre: Horror
Director: Nia DaCosta
Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Jack O'Connell, Alfie Williams, Erin Kellyman, Chi Lewis-Parry
I called the previous 28 Years Later the equivalent of reading a boring YA novel and I absolutely still think that. That movie is all exposition and meandering with minor thematic resonance at its destination that definitely was not worth the journey. I wasn't really looking forward to a sequel but here we are. I didn't know I needed a buddy stoner movie between Ralph Fiennes and a zombie in my life but now it's here and I dig it.
The movie sees our child protagonist from the previous film taken captive by a group of Satanists who wander the landscape and mutilate people. Meanwhile, Ralph Fiennes gets experimental with an alpha infected man, who responds positively to his sedatives. The movie doesn't always feel like a natural progression from the previous film, which is its weakest aspect. The protagonist from the previous film is severly underplayed here, becoming a passive hitchhiker who just keeps his head down. I felt my interest in the 28 Years Later storyline spiked when Fiennes enters the picture, so I was happy to see the second film focused more heavily on him. That might make the movie less appealing to some of the fans of the previous film. For my money, it makes up ground for just how weird and insane it is. This movie is pure macabre extravagance from minute one and never lets up, from an apocalyptic Harley Quinn wannabe doing a Teletubbies dance to its climax where Fiennes puts on a one-man death metal show. And if you think I'm exaggerating, you clearly haven't seen the movie. This movie is a blast and it probably renewed my interest in this franchise. I don't know if anything that follows this will be able to live up to its insanity but I'm willing to see what they have up their sleeve.
All You Need Is Kill
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Genre: Science Fiction, Action
Director: Kenichiro Akimoto
Starring: Not Tom Cruise nor Emily Blunt
I don't always see the anime movies that come to my theater because most of them are spin-offs of TV shows that I've never seen and I would be completely lost if I even tried to follow them. All You Need Is Kill caught my attention because I recognized the title, which was a Japanese novel and manga series that inspired one of Tom Cruise's best movies, Edge of Tomorrow. I was curious what a Japanese adaptation might be, though it seems that the Cruise movie was actually a straighter adaptation than this movie. All You Need Is Kill refocuses the narrative on Rita (who was Emily Blunt's character in Edge), and the film takes place on the first day of an alien invasion rather than deep into one. Rita finds her day repeating over and over again as she dies from the deadly alien attack repeatedly, hoping to try and use the time loop to stop the invasion. I think this movie would have benefited if it tried to be a prequel to the original story, showing how Rita became "Full Metal Bitch," but that's not what this is. This is just a reimagining of the entire concept utilizing a supporting character as a main. Still, the movie is an entertaining time loop story, though the most interesting aspects were already used in prior versions of this story. If you like Edge of Tomorrow, you might find this to be an interesting curiosity.
Charlie the Wonderdog
⭐️
Genre: Comedy, Superhero, Adventure
Director: Shea Wageman
Starring: Owen Wilson
A dog gets kidnapped by aliens and gets superpowers in this family film equivalent of watching absolutely nothing. Everything you expect this movie to do is accounted for but it doesn't even have the decency to do it in an appealing way. The movie is so dull and lacking personality, only opting to hit the most basic needs of a children's movie. It's a movie that actively chooses not to tell a story, believing that "see dog fly" is sufficient. What the movie doesn't realize is that children are likely to opt in favor of similarly premised movies like Bolt or Dogman instead because those movies actually leave an impression on them. This movie will just make them stare blankly at it because it's in front of them.
Dead Man's Wire
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Genre: Thriller
Director: Gus Van Sant
Starring: Bill Skarsgård, Dacre Montgomery, Cary Elwes, Myha'la, Colman Domingo, Al Pacino
A movie starring two of my favorite current working actors, Colman Domingo and Bill Skarsgård? Don't mind if I do!
This thriller, based on a true story, sees Skarsgård as a man who was screwed over by a mortgage company, who then decides to retaliate by taking the son of the company president hostage. The details of the situation can feel absurd at times, with the intricate trap details that force the cops to comply with his demands, but, sure enough, most of this actually happened and the movie has the footage to prove it. This movie is mostly pretty tight, though the film does slow its pace down when it's reduced to Skarsgård and former Power Ranger Dacre Montgomery sitting in a room with awkward tension, which is most of the movie. The ace in the hole is Skarsgård, though. I love watching Skarsgård in anything because you never know what performance you're going to get but, whatever it is, you know it's going to be good. This is no different, playing a man who is at the end of his rope who has an irrational form of rationality. That Skarsgård can take the insane to the edge of near-sanity but not quite committing to crossing that threshold is a testament to his talent. The movie is fun to watch because he's fun to watch. The movie is tense because of how stressed he is, and you never know where that stress will take him. The whole thing rides on his shoulders and he takes that weight and runs with it.
Night Patrol
⭐️1/2
Genre: Horror
Director: Ryan Prows
Starring: Jermaine Fowler, Justin Long, Freddie Gibbs, R.J. Cyler, YG, Nicki Micheaux, Flying Lotus, CM Punk, Dermot Mulroney
In case you were wondering what Sinners would look like if it sucked, here comes Night Patrol, a brand new take on the Black experience and racial tension underlined by vampires doing vampire shit. One can't fault Night Patrol for not trying. What can be faulted to it is that its metaphors have gotten so over-stimulated that they suffer erectile dysfunction and just can't satisfy. The film hits the streets of Los Angeles, focusing on the infamous street gangs of the Bloods and the Crips, though the real enemy is the L.A.P.D., who are actually vampires out to prey upon every Black person in the city, in a not-so-subtle allegory for police power abuse, racial discrimination, and excessive force. There's an idea in this movie that I like but the film itself just can't execute. Its script is conceptually anemic, clearly working with some sort of lore but acting as if the logic its using should be obvious to any asshole. Its self-explanatory elements can only go so far, as it comes off as undeveloped characters running through a whirlwind of bullshit. The movie swiftly becomes a swift barrage of passive exposition delivered during chaos, meanwhile Justin Long is running around as a newly turned vampire searching for blood to drink like a college stoner on an all-night fraternity beer run. It all comes to a close with a climax involving a Green Lantern ring and a glowing spear that hums like a lightsaber. That might read like I'm exaggerating but that's literally what happens. I'll give the movie props for having an idea and trying to deliver it with swagger, but the movie is unpolished and its script is unfinished. I was kinda hoping this movie would be something. I guess that's my fault for having optimism.
No Other Choice
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Genre: Comedy
Director: Park Chan-wook
Starring: Lee Byung-hun, Son Ye-jin, Park Hee-soon, Lee Sung-min, Yeom Hye-ran, Cha Seung-wan
South Korea's submission for the International Oscar award is a black comedy about how much the rat race sucks. I didn't need this movie to tell me this but I am very happy that it did so in such an inspired and entertaining way. Lee Byung-hung stars as an out-of-work manager for a paper company who starts to find his comfortable life unraveling. Desperate to fill a top management position, he creates a hit list of his competition and sets out to assassinate each one. It's a very entertaining premise that gets more unhinged as it goes, enhanced by some powerful satire. Metaphorically, the movie showcases the cut-throat nature of shrinking job security in an industry that has little value for you as an individual. One gets their hands dirty to get on top, and maybe there was cruelty in one's actions, but it's easy to wave that off when you're reaping the rewards. This is very relevant and resonate messaging, packaged in a uniquely entertaining, unpredictable, and thought-provoking film. No Other Choice is the type of treat I was looking for all of last year and just couldn't find. Some assholes were trying to tell me that the movie I was looking for was One Battle After Another but I'm pretty sure they were trying to get me to look the other way so they could smash my head with a potted plant.
Sheepdog
⭐️⭐️
Genre: Drama
Director: Steven Greyhm
Starring: Steven Greyhm, Vondie Curtis-Hall
Sheepdog is apparently a passion project for writer/director/star Steven Greyhm, who stuck with trying to sell the film for thirteen years. Now with the film finally on screens, one can only assume that the reason it took so long to make was because other people have already made this movie, complete with the crisis hotline number at the end. Did we need another? Arguably, the message is an important one, but when you have a movie like My Dead Friend Zoe releasing not even a year ago, doing its inspired spin on the mental health message and its powerful gut-punch of an ending, it's hard to look at a movie like this utilizing its well-worn cliches and go "Yeah, this movie needs to be made."
Greyhm plays the main character, a veteran who lives with stress, trauma, and guilt on his shoulders, being forced by court order to seek therapy. Meanwhile, his ex-wife's estranged father, also a troubled veteran, comes to town and the duo strike a friendship. All of this and a lot of melodrama. Greyhm isn't content with the soldier backstory for his character. He needs even more fucked up shit to happen to him, which includes a bonus backstory that the movie tries to play coy with but is pretty easy to figure out from the context clues available. Then when the movie drops the bomb that it thinks it's being foxy about, it's so overdone that it's almost accidentally funny. It's an objectively bad scene that is pinned as the emotional crux of a mediocre movie.
I don't know much about Steven Greyhm. From my admittedly little research, it seems he is a career actor who has no actual military background. I'm not sure why this subject matter is important to him but I'm going to trust that it is for good reason. All I know about Greyhm is that he looks like the bastard child of Mark Wahlberg and Elden Henson, has no screen presence, and has a really weird beard. What I do appreciate about Greyhm is that he worked actual therapeutic work into his movie. That's the best part of it, really. But these details are not exactly drama, especially if the personal details of his trauma are falling flat. Sheepdog isn't exactly a bad movie. It might actually be serviceable to the audience it was made for. What weighs it down is that it's a stilted movie made by artists who think they have something important to say when in reality their work is just a trite regurgitation of themes that other movies have done better. Greyhm never justifies why this movie should exist in addition to the ones that already address the concepts he wants to address except that he just wanted to put a bunch of tropes in a blender and drink the milkshake. That's a disservice to the message you're trying to send.
Signing Tony Raymond
⭐️1/2
Genre: Comedy, Sports
Director: Glen Owen
Starring: Michael Mosley, Mira Sorvino, Rob Morgan, Marshawn Lynch, Brian Bosworth, Champ Bailey, Charles Esten
Someone saw the movie Air and thought to themselves "This movie ain't vanilla enough," then decided to rock the sports world with their own patented and admittedly impressive level of blandness. Signing Tony Raymond's most notable aspect is that I keep almost accidentally calling it "Singing Tony Randall," which probably would have been a better movie, to be honest. The film centers on a Louisiana University football coach who has been sent to recruit a promising high school player to their team, only to find other coaches who are willing to play dirty and a lot of rednecks who are willing to hustle him. The film stars Michael Mosley, who is pretty much just playing Dollar Store Zachary Levi, which is weird because Levi isn't above doing movies like this. He kinda fumbles around with a daffy grin on his face in situations that grow increasingly absurd, with so much good-hearted white trash that you might as well rebrand this movie as Joe Dirt 3. The weirdest thing about this movie is that they take some huge swings at "big lol" moments that are just slight goofy lines that might induce a smirk but they are so underlined that you can tell the movie thinks they are hysterical. The movie is too unsure of what its tone is to actually be funny. Some people are playing it like its a humorous drama, while others are full-blown Looney Tunes. There's no naturality to this movie, as it has more than a few moments where it doesn't feel like the anybody is seeking the obvious solution to any problem the characters are having. This movie is like a circus clown. I can tell just wants to make me smile but it makes me queasy for some odd reason.
Throughout most of this movie I went back and forth undecided on whether this was a bad movie or just an uninspired movie. My final thought was that it wears its lack of inspiration so shamelessly that it almost seems proud of it, and that just rubs me the wrong way. If the movie has one virtue that makes me want to lay off, it's that it does seem to be made with a good heart. It wears it on its sleeve sometimes but it doesn't counter the many things it does carelessly.
Netflix & Chill
Killer Whale
⭐️
Streaming On: VOD
Genre: Horror
Director: Jo-Anne Brechin
Starring: Virginia Gardner, Mel Jarnson, Mitchell Hope
I didn't have to watch this movie. I chose to watch this movie. I paid money to rent this movie. January is the month for shit horror movies and none of the ones I've seen so far were adequately trashy enough. I wanted to watch this movie because it looked so stupid. It did not disappoint.
I don't suppose anybody remembers a movie from 1977 called Orca, which was Dino De Laurentiis's big stab at the post-Jaws creature feature. The movie featured an Orca that was hunting whaler Richard Harris for killing its mate. Orca is a bad movie but it's certainly an interesting specimen in its era of monster movie because it feels like it's trying to be an emotional epic adventure and not just a cash grab. Suffice it to say, Orca wasn't Jaws. And Killer Whale isn't Orca, which probably says everything I need to about Killer Whale. If I were to say more about what kind of movie Killer Whale is, I'd say if Orca is a post-Jaws creature feature, Killer Whale is a post-The Shallows creature feature. By that, I mean to say it's basically The Shallows again, but with an Orca instead of a shark. I'd call Killer Whale a low rent copy of The Shallows but The Shallows was just a copy of The Reef with big studio money and ridiculous setpieces, so fuck The Shallows.
The familiar premise sees two gal pals on vacation only to be trapped on a rock off the coast, hunted by an angry Orca that is upset at being in captivity for years. Like the afore mentioned Orca horror movie from the 70's, this Orca also is vengeful because apparently its calf was either stolen or died or something. The movie keeps it vague what exactly happened, but the fact that it treats it as some sort of conspiracy is really funny because there is no payoff to it. In fact, a lot of the setup in this movie is over-the-top. There is a superfluous backstory to Virginia Gardner's character who had a boyfriend who saved her from a bank robbery and died at the scene. The entire sequence is staged in a goofy way because his heroics are dangerous and stupid, making him come off as an impulsive idiot, only to have him save the day out of dumb luck and mowed down in the parking lot with a truck during the tender aftermath. It's so jarring and sudden that it inspires laughter when the movie is trying to be emotional. The movie then jumps to a year later, where Gardner still has baggage from this irrelevance but just wants to have a good time with her rambunctious friend, bad shit happens, then they just gotta survive somehow.
Come to think of it, the plotting in this movie has a lot in common with another Virginia Gardner movie from a few years ago called Fall. That movie didn't center on Gardner, who had the role of the wild, horny, social media influencer bestie who was obviously going to die because they wouldn't kill the main character. This time she switches roles. At least that means she's moving up in her career, right?
As for whether or not this is an entertaining bad movie, it can be at times but it's often just not worth a rental fee. The movie mostly feels like an excuse to get Gardner and Jarnson down on their hands and knees so they can thrust their bikini butts at the camera, so if you like bikini butts, you'll get bikini butts. To be honest, I was hoping for more goofy Orca action. There is a lengthy period where the movie is nothing but Gardner and Jarnson on a rock sorting out emotional issues and the Orca just disappears from the movie. If they were interesting issues, it would be one thing, but they're two-dimensional characters in a one-dimensional movie. I did get some good laughs at an open moment of revealed betrayal that sours their relationship. It genuinely is shocking but not because of story reasons, rather because it serves so little purpose to the movie and kind of makes the already funny opening even funnier. The Orca action we do get is blurry with quick cuts of bad CGI, and it's not just limited to our antagonist beastie either. The rear projection in this movie is a sight to behold because it's not just that the actors are composited badly on top of a poorly rendered CGI backdrop, it's that they tried to fake the distance to the mainland by making the backdrop look fuzzy and they also made the fake water that's supposedly in their immediate surroundings equally fuzzy too, so most of the movie is made up of crystal clear shots of the actresses on top of blurry water. Gardner and Jarnson are so clearly acting in a vacuum that it feels like they could have shot most of their scenes in a parking lot.
I went into Killer Whale wanting to watch a bad movie and I got what I paid for. I wish it were one to be enthusiastic about but many bad movies are bad just because they're not anything. Killer Whale is a movie that could have been a wacky good time but wound up lacking the necessary entertainment value for a delightful shitshow. Too bad.
Movies Still Playing At My Theater
Anaconda ⭐️⭐️
Avatar: Fire and Ash ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Greenland: Migration ⭐️⭐️
Hamnet ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
The Housemaid ⭐️⭐️1/2
I Was a Stranger ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Is This Thing On? ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Marty Supreme ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Primate ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Zootopia 2 ⭐️⭐️⭐️
New To Digital
Dust Bunny ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Rental Family ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Song Sung Blue ⭐️⭐️1/2
Coming Soon!
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