Cinema Playground Journal 2026: Week 33 (My Cinema Playground)

Multiplex Madness

The Brink of War

⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Drama

Director:  Michael Russell Gunn

Starring:  Jeff Daniels, Jared Harris, J.K. Simmons

It had to come to this, didn't it?  I'm still reeling from that fuck-awful Ronald Reagan biopic with Dennis Quaid and now I have another Reagan movie breathing down my neck.  I'm still dealing with trauma, here.  This isn't helping.

This one has a narrowed-down scope, focusing on the meeting between Reagan and Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev over nuclear disarmament in 1986.  The movie feels like it's only ambition is to be a "movie day" film for history classes in middle school, opting for hammy stage drama instead of anything meaty.  The movie never breaks free of its overwritten dialogue, hamfisted attempts at human relation schmaltz, and uneven casting.  I like Jeff Daniels, but he is very miscast as Reagan.  He is sometimes trying too hard to push that Reagan impression into his own screen persona, and at other times he just gives up, walking in a room like regular Jeff Daniels and is all "I'm Ronald Reagan."  Jared Harris, on the other hand, is excellent casting as Gorbachev.  He takes a script that a lot of actors in this movie are struggling with and he is fully locked-in, ready to sell it.  So half the movie has the heart it needs and half of it feels artificial.  I'm really struggling to compromise with this movie, which is probably fitting, giving the subject matter.

The one thing that makes me softer on its weaker aspects is that the film goes out of its way to actually have some humanization and empathy for the Russians, treating them as real people instead of just the enemy.  Compare this to the Dennis Quaid movie, which portrayed them as blubbering buffoons who were destined to fail because they weren't American.  This aspect of The Brink of War gives the movie a backbone, taking its tricky subject of dramatizing a debate table and giving it a form of dignity that the propaganda of that other movie wouldn't allow.  After all, nobody wants nuclear war, but also nobody wants to give up their nukes.  It was a tricky thing to compromise on and I'll give the movie some credit in understanding that part of the assignment.

Elijah Peel

⭐️

Genre:  Drama, Faith

Director:  Nathan Ross Murphy, Kevin D. Sepe

Starring:  Robert Malcolm Cumming, Evelyn Grace Kite, Kevin Sorbo, April Billingsley, Princess Elmore

The poster for Elijah Peel says it's inspired by a true story but, for the life of me, I can't find any information on what that true story is.  As far as I know, Elijah Peel is not a real person.  Google's AI says the movie is just a loose translation of co-director Kevin D. Sepe's born again experience, but it will be a cold day in hell when I trust an AI summary at face value.  But if that is true, I'd say that is some heavy duty bullshit advertising, up there with claiming Texas Chainsaw Massacre is inspired by a true story because, technically, serial killers exist and they might live in Texas and own a chainsaw.

So, this fake true story is about a hard drinking, hard partying rock star name Elijah Peel who has a heart attack and finds himself in ICU, visited by a young girl with cancer who wants him to know that Jesus loves him.  They become friends and this convinces him to become a Christian rock artist.  If you think any of this happens gradually, you'd be wrong.  The movie does nothing with subtlety.  There is melodrama and then there is whatever this movie is doing, where it portrays dramatic beats by hitting sudden mood swings, dropping to its knees and bursting into shrill wails.  Even Al Jolson would tell it to calm the fuck down.  The drug scenes are so brazenly in-your-face that it almost feels like a stern warning by people who have never done drugs in their lives and it becomes a movie about conquering drug addiction that feels like it was made by someone whose experience with it was limited to watching Reefer Madness and thinking it was a biting commentary.  After all of this, our title character spends thirty seconds with the little girl and becomes completely obsessed with her, going through a Patch Adams phase where he just clowns around the hospital with her.  Then the movie hits lows where everyone is on the floor and crying because of "the power of music" or something.  This somehow forces him into a relapse, where instead of being given drugs, some dude just locks him in a room with a girl who is OD'ing.  Even after-school specials  would think it's too much.

This isn't even mentioning the various things in this movie that are odd.  The movie's portrayal of nurses is strange, because some will wear proper scrubs and others will dress in uniforms that feel like they were rented from porno sets, with short skirts and cleavage bearing, to show "temptation."  The movie has a long (humorous?) montage of him rejecting personal nurses because they're all too sexy.  Then there is a scene where a nurse threatens to give him strychnine instead of morphine after he won't stop flirting with her, which I'm pretty sure could get her fired even if she was being sexual harassed.  Then comes a late revelation that the movie is pro-stem cell research, which is usually the exact opposite of what a faith film would normally do because that also implies that it's pro-abortion by association.  But then again, maybe the filmmakers just don't know what stem cells are.  They aren't rocket scientists, they just want to make a movie about a magical sick girl who knows everything about life.

This leads to an ending that is very strange and I can't tell if it's trying to be ambiguous or not because it's shooting too many conflicting ideas at the audience.  I'm just going to spoil the fuck out of it because I'm the only person who will ever watch this movie, so you've been warned.  This being a movie about a cancer patient, the movie obviously is going to get to that point where cancer is going to do what it does.  But then it presents the that experimental stem cell treatment and then it flashes forward to our titular musician singing a song because he promised the girl he'd "sing at her funeral," then it cuts to the audience and she's just sitting out there.  Maybe the intent is that we're supposed to decide whether she lived or died by ourselves but there are so many aspects to this movie that are underdeveloped that this ending just comes off as the movie just being done with itself.  To be frank, it's hard to hate a movie that presents a trite story as stupidly as this one does.  I just don't have the energy.  But nobody who worked on this film had any ideas of how to pull off something that has been done a thousand times, and that's just mind-numbing.

The End of Oak Street

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Science Fiction, Adventure, Thriller

Director:  David Robert Mitchell

Starring:  Anne Hathaway, Ewan McGregor, Maisy Stella, Christian Convery

Oh, that's cute.  Someone remade The Day Time Ended.

An entire neighborhood goes on an "Excellent Adventure" as it's hurdled through time, transplanting both it and its residents in the prehistoric past, where they fend off dinosaurs and other dangers.  The movie is very Speilberg-coded, centering on a singular family trying to navigate the carnage as everyone dies around them.  In that aspect, it actually reminded me of Spielberg's version of War of the Worlds the most, even though it's a more majestic-minded film, wanting to be a cross between E.T. and Jurassic Park.  Speaking of the latter, The End of Oak Street is actually quite a bit better than that franchise has been of late, being preferable than...honestly, about all of the sequels, maybe?  If anything holds the film back, it's that the scenario it creates is so chaotic that some of the plot set-up in the film is cut shor and never paid off.  Focusing on a single P.O.V. then giving glimpses of others surrounding them who are having their own experience that we know near nothing about makes the story feel like Swiss cheese, which is technically whole but full of empty space that offers nothing.  And it leads to an ending that is presented as sweet but is honestly very problematic if you think about it, but I can't rant about that unless I laid the entire thing out and explained what was wrong with the entire idea.  But the movie mostly works on a solid foundation of weird adventure candy cinema that can be fun one moment and savage the next.  It's more worthwhile of the price for your ticket than all of the Jurassic World movies, so that's something.

Nimrods

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Comedy

Director:  Lee Kirk

Starring:  Mason Thames, Kylr Coffman, Ryan Faust, Mckenna Grace, Jenna Fischer

Nimrods is one of those self-promotional movies that popular bands make about fans having misadventures on their way to a concert.  Today's group of the day is Green Day.  The film follows a teen band that has been pranked into thinking they're opening for Green Day for a big New Year's concert across the country, so they steal a car and go on a road trip to make the non-existent date.  From my understanding, the film is partially inspired by Green Day's early experiences before breaking out, with some loose inspiration also from another band called Waterdog that opened for them in the 90's.  As to what is true and what is bullshit, I'm not familiar enough with "Green Day lore" to tell you, but the fact that Green Day made the movie semi-autobiographical makes this movie feel slightly more personal than other films of its ilk.  There is heart and care put into it, and the film can be really funny at times.  It can also digress into oddity, notably in a section that is a horror movie parody halfway through that is more strange than humorous.  The film has these small blemishes that feel odd in the moment but don't take away from the experience, like Mckenna Grace's character serving zero purpose other than to have a love interest for five minutes, but she's a pleasure to have in any movie, so it doesn't really matter.  It's a series of comical scenarios that are mostly successful at creating smiles, while also ending on an emotional beat that I'm not fully convinced the movie was properly building to, but still kinda hits.  The movie works in spite of itself, resulting in an uneven joy.

Paw Patrol:  The Dino Movie

⭐️⭐️1/2

Genre:  Adventure, Fantasy, Superhero

Director:  Cal Brunker

Starring:  Carter Young, Ryan Janjua, Mckenna Grace, Hayden Chamberlain, Henry Bolan, Lucien Duncan-Reid, William Desrosiers, Nylan Parthipan, Terry Crews, Jameela Jamil, Paris Hilton, Snoop Dogg

This is both the second movie this week with Mckeena Grace, as well as the second movie with dinosaurs.  I don't know if that means anything, but this one has talking dogs, so...win?

The Nickelodeon sensation is back on the big screen for the third time, this time seeing the rescue pups discovering a lost island full of dinosaurs.  Because kids love Paw Patrol and kids love dinosaurs, but not every kid is old enough to see The End of Oak Street, so we'll take them to see the one where even the carnivorous dinosaurs make friends with puppy dogs.  I'm assuming these Paw Patrol movies are made to center around one specific dog from the team with each movie, offering an origin story and a specific character flaw to overcome.  The last movie focused on Skye, the flying pink one, and, while I haven't seen it, I'm assuming the first movie featured Chase, who is the blue police dog.  For The Dino Movie, the pup of the hour is Marshall, who is the one with the red firehat.  Marshall is portrayed as very clumsy and accident prone, having a hard time to work past his mistakes.  I'm not sure if those aspects are actually a thing in the TV show, but if they were, I've never noticed while babysitting and playing on my phone.  But the message of the movie is failure is what we need to learn how to succeed, which is why we never give up, and that's nice.

The one small thing that was nagging me about this movie is that the Paw Patrol are a rescue squad.  It's kind of the one thing that they do.  So when the premise of your movie is that they find a lost dinosaur land, the film needs to convolute ways of getting them to do that one thing and not just stand around an island while playing with dinosaurs.  Ultimately, the dinosaurs are just an aesthetic choice, providing a backdrop where they maybe will sell a few toys in addition to the shiny new Paw Patrol vehicles and outfits (they wear pants now!) and the all-new team member Rex, who rides a T-Rex ala Dino-Riders, and Marshall's new dino friend Rubarb.  It feels like the movie can be blatantly toyetic in that regard, but Paw Patrol has always been a high merch seller, and the last movie had them as superheroes, so I can't blame the movie for being what it is.

The real test case for these movies is the audience they were made for.  The six-year-old I took to see it thought it was the best movie ever.  He got a lunchbox full of popcorn, a little cup with Marshall on it, and a Paw Patrol poster and pin-on button.  He's living his best life.  Paw Patrol:  The Dino Movie gave him a good day.  Thank you, Paw Patrol.  You saved the day again.

The Rivals of Amziah King

⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Drama, Comedy, Thriller

Director:  Andrew Patterson

Starring:  Matthew McConaughey, Angelina LookingGlass, Scott Shepherd, Rob Morgan, Tony Revolori, Kurt Russell

Matthew McConaughey plays a beekeeper who reconnects with a foster child he used to care for, played by Angelina LookingGlass.  After his bees are stolen, McConaughey dies of a heart attack, leaving LookingGlass as an heir to a bee colony that has no bees.  LookingGlass then seeks out those who might have taken his bees and tries to get them back by any means necessary.  To be frank, I'm kinda disappointed in myself for not liking this movie.  The movie started out as a vibe, and I was enjoying it.  Then the vibe shifts.  Then it shifts again.  And again.  The type of movie this was kept changing.  By the end, I was very disengaged.  Maybe it's my fault.  Maybe it's the movie.  I'm not quite sure.  This movie almost feels like it was two movies that were spliced together in an editing room and presented to its audience as if they mixed peanut butter and chocolate together and made something delicious, but the taste is so bitter that I can't appreciate it.  The movie starts out as a happy little movie about family.  Then it becomes sad.  Then it becomes angry.  It seems to me, to the best of my media literacy, that the movie is trying to be a folk tale that is mixed with the presentation of a mafia movie.  The movie becomes a story of "they who control the bees controls the honey," which is an interesting prospect.  I don't think it forgives the many tonal shifts of the film, as we venture down some dark paths that are glossed over too quickly in favor of shifting the tone for the next scene.  At no point during this movie did I feel like I understood what the movie was.  I was okay with that for a little while.  Movies that try for unique experiences should be encouraged.  By the end, the experience I was having felt like enduring instead of experiencing.  That's of no fault of the creatives or the actors, because this movie feels like exactly the movie they wanted to make.  The honey just didn't taste very sweet.

The Wrong Girls

⭐️1/2

Genre:  Comedy

Director:  Dylan Meyer

Starring:  Kristen Stewart (line?), Alia Shawkat, LaKeith Stanfield, Tony Hale, Zack Fox, Seth Rogen, Kumail Nanjiani, Kate McKinnon, Geena Davis

This oddball comedy is a professional collaboration between Kristen Stewart and her wife, Dylan Meyer, who wrote and directed the movie.  The movie follows Stewart, who is confused with a woman who looks exactly like her at a nightclub, and is passed off a suitcase full of an unknown substance while she is too drunk to realize what's happening.  She then drinks it with her roommate/bestie Alia Shawkat, and the two become telepathically linked.  They then venture off to sell it for rent money, oblivious to the fact that they might now be the most powerful people on the planet.  If that sounds dumb, that's because it is dumb.  I'm pretty sure the movie's only goal is to be dumb.  The Wrong Girls plays like it was made by someone who really loved The Big Lebowski and Dude, Where's My Car? and decided to mash them together for the ultimate dummy stoner comedy.  Maybe they're a tad aggressive on it, as its aesthetic is overbearing and sometimes hard to pay attention to because of how much they're throwing on the screen.  And, as stated above, the movie is really stupid.  That's not a bad thing if it's funny enough.  There are laughs to be had, but as the movie indulges itself in getting weirder and weirder, it seems like it has gotten high on itself and is stuck in a loop of giggling at a joke that it never says out loud.

But I'm pretty sure that's part of its vibe, willing to be its awkward self because it's better than being like everyone else.  I respect that.  Despite the fact that the movie didn't really vibe with me, it does have this tone to it like it's one of those dumb movies they'd play on the 2000's era USA network over and over again until it accumulated a proper cult following from teenagers who would just lie on the couch with a bag of Doritos handy.  Maybe the same fate will be bestowed on The Wrong Girls, because it's nothing if it's not a midnight movie targeted at a very specific demographic.  After all, any movie that casually drops a Sliders reference can't be all bad.

Movies Still Playing At My Theater

Ice Cream Man ⭐️1/2

Minions & Monsters ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Moana ⭐️1/2

The Odyssey ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

One Night Only ⭐️⭐️

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Super Troopers 3:  Farva's Wedding ⭐️⭐️1/2

Toy Story 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Train to Busan ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

New To Digital

The Invite ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Jackass:  Best and Last ⭐️⭐️1/2

Minions & Monsters ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Young Washington ⭐️⭐️

New To Physical

Barbarian ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Dolly ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Furious⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Hokum ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Project Hail Mary ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Tuner ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Coming Soon!

K03-Star Force: Fugitive Alien II (FOUND EPISODE!!!)

Film Year:  1987 (compiled from a 1978 TV series)

Genre:  Science Fiction, Adventure
Director:  Kiyosumi Kukazawa, Minoru Kanaya
Starring:  Jou Shishido, Tatsuya Azuma, Miyuki Tanigawa, Choei Takahashi, Tsutomu Yukawa, Hiro Tateyama
MST Season:  KTMA

The Movie

Because who gives a shit about proper story context, Mystery Science Theater offers up the sequel before they touched the original.  But getting up to speed, when we last saw the crew of the Bacchus 3, they had adopted the former alien warrior Star Wolf known as Ken into their crew (with only Captain Joe knowing of his past).  Now they must survive an exploding star, then destroy a diabolical weapon, and face down the leader of the Star Wolves.

There's not a lot to say about Star Force that you can't say about the first Fugitive Alien.  If you want my two cents about the series in general, one might find it in those reviews.  What can I say about Star Force that I can't about the first?  It's a bit more inane (which is saying something).  The first three quarters of the film have a reasonable plot thread that connects them before it compiles the conclusive episode of the series in an out of nowhere final act.  Given that this film isn't really the way the Star Wolf series is intended to be seen, I can be somewhat forgiving of it, however.

I love these Japanese effects shows, and I'd hate to disappoint anybody who clicks these reviews expecting me to tear them a new one.  I don't have that anger within me.  They're fun escapism, and I give this Fugitive Alien saga a pass.

The Episode

It started like any other day.  I woke up in the afternoon, because I work nights, and planned on taking my mother to see Project Hail Mary because it stars her secret husband Ryan Gosling (I'm not one to judge, because I've similarly imprinted on the AT&T Girl, who was also in Project Hail Mary).  I logged in to see if there was any new Mystery Science Theater 3000 news that I slept through, seeing how we had just funded the new RiffTrax Experiments episodes.  First thing I see was "K03 found at garage sale."  I smirked and thought, "Nice try, April Fools Day," completely forgetting that it was March 20th.  Eventually, I clicked the link just to amuse myself, greeted with a video that was undoubtedly a RickRoll.  I looked at the time on it, it said one hour and forty-two minutes.  Okay, so they looped "Never Gonna Give You Up" over the span of a hundred minutes.  I started skimming the video.  It most definitely was a Fugitive Alien movie, and it most definitely was a KTMA era MST3K episode, but its quality was way better than any copy of K12 I've ever seen.  Was it a cleaned up copy of K12?  No, this footage is from Star Force.  Did that mean...?

...

Oh my god.

Holy SHIT!

This actually was K03.  The lost episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 had been found, and there I was sitting in my underpants trying not to look like I was dead.

I flashed back to the day where I witnessed the lost host segment of Superdome found on the MST3K message boards.  Years pass, and the Cinematic Titanic crew shares the pilot film of The Green Slime publicly.  A few more years go by and Joel shared official copies of Invaders from the Deep and Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars as a reward for the 2015 Kickstarter.  A decade after that, having thought this episode was lost to time, we found the final lost MST3K episode.  Our beloved series is finally complete.  Suck it, Doctor Who.  We win.

It's been such a long road.

That doesn't mean we're done.  There is still media worth trying to find.  The unused CD-ROM short Mylar:  What's It To You? is probably the new Holy Grail.  There are also live shows from MST3K and Cinematic Titanic that are unlikely to surface, but never say never.  Weirder things have happened, and with this amazing find, there is definitely optimism in the air.

And with all the positivity going around, since this is the last slice of the classic series a lot of us die-hards will ever consume, that obviously means that this will be the greatest episode of the entire series!  Otherwise it will be a bitter disappointment.

Let's cool our jets and re-center ourselves.  Reminder:  this is a KTMA episode.  And it's an early KTMA episode.  There is a ceiling on how good this episode is going to be.  The entire reason this episode is important has more to do as a historical artifact.  Indiana Jones voice:  "That belongs in a museum!" and so on and so forth.  This is the last visual piece of the show's evolution that we didn't have.  That doesn't mean it's going to be much as an episode by itself.  Most KTMA episodes weren't, and this one doesn't even have the benefit of featuring a movie that we haven't seen in the show's format outside of this episode, which arguably makes it less important than the two episodes before it that were also missing for decades.  Arguably, the only actual point of interest in this episode is Servo's trasition between the drawl he used in Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars and the high squeal he sported in Gamera vs. Barugon.  And indeed, that transition happens in this episode.  Is it addressed?  Nope.  He's just speaking in a different voice than last week and they never acknowledge it.  Okay, cool.  That's all I wanted to know.  Also, this was the episode that one guy watched.  You know, the one who called and complained about and had his message played on the air during Gamera vs. Barugon.  Good to finally see what pissed him off.

Other than that, the highlight of the episode is the movie featured.  I love Fugitive Alien.  I love Star Force.  I'm going to have fun with this episode simply because I care for this weird brand.  I don't know why they riffed the second one first, though I assume that in the early days of KTMA, they just pulled tapes, looked at the titles, and chose what sounded funny.  Also, Joel just introduces this movie as "Star Force," which leads me to believe that was all the network's tape was labeled as, so it's possible that they just didn't know it was a sequel.  If they're lost in what this movie is doing, they don't point it out.  The dense lore of Fugitive Alien doesn't seem to bother them too much, though Crow does get more confused as it goes due to the sudden story arc change in the climax.

For the longest time, the only surviving riff from this episode was a small clip where Servo said "They must have spent tens of dollars on this."  It's a pretty good joke.  Presumably, this was the best joke of the episode, and yeah, it kinda was.  One thing I noted was that the group has trouble getting out of the gate.  Servo is the first to riff, and he's also the last one in the theater, as he just pops up about a minute after Joel and Crow enter.  Servo makes a joke.  Then he makes another.  And another.  And another.  There is like good long stretch of this, as if Josh is trying to push some momentum into the comedy.  Once the ball gets rolling, they all start quipping when they can.  Being early KTMA, the episode can feel very empty, but a few good lines hit.  I liked Servo commenting on Tammy's eyewear during her sickness early in the movie:  "I always find it easier to sleep with a Viewmaster on my face."  Crow has a good joke about the score of the movie, as the Bacchus crew is stuck in a sandstorm and the music swells with vocals as the wind picks up, prompting him to say "It's not the wind; it's a men's choir!"  There is also an early example of a reactionary riff, where a spaceship flies toward the camera and they try to dodge it.  Trace practically tosses the Crow puppet straight off camera.

"Danger, Will Robinson!"

"That's a robot joke."

"Well, it's kind of an inside thing."

Most of what we had seen before of this episode were a handful of host segments (I took a look at surviving footage of the episode here).  We've seen the intro, where Joel shows off a few prop inventions in what is an early prototype of the Invention Exchange, which featured "Nunclucks,", the "Pointing Gun," and the "Chiro Helmet" (which was borrowed from the Green Slime pilot and also reused in season one).  Other host segments that we had access to were included Crow explaining Thanksgiving to Gypsy/Gypsum (poorly) and another had Joel explaining drugs to Gypsy/Gypsum, which is just an excuse for Joel to use his psychedelic glasses.  As for the two host segments we hadn't seen, they're nothing really special.  They must have had drugs on the brain (not like that), because another also deals with drugs, only this time as a parable because Crow and Servo are "using" hairpins and Joel scolds them for it like a disapproving father.  I don't get it.  The other new segment has Crow and Servo in false beards because they misread "breaking bread" as "breaking beard."  Okay, sure.  The one thing I find interesting about the host segments is that they are Thanksgiving focused, even though Thanksgiving was already over.  Hell, the show debuted with two episodes on the actual holiday.  Part of me thinks they just didn't know when they were going to debut and just assumed this would air the same weekend as Thanksgiving, which technically was true.  The first two episodes came out on Thanksgiving Thursday and this one aired the following Sunday.  I think, in their mind, this was supposed to be the Thanksgiving special and scheduling screwed up.  But it doesn't really matter anymore.

If one were to put aside the importance of what this episode represents and ask my opinion of it in a vacuum, I'd simply say that I think the riff itself is probably the weakest of the first three episodes but the movie is the most ridiculously entertaining one they've shown yet.  These two aspects kinda balance each other in a weird way, making the episode fun in spite of it being a weak example of what this show is and what it can be.  I might even still say that this one of the weakest episodes of the season in the face of that.  As stated above, I have a personal fondness for Fugitive Alien, which does a lot of heavy lifting for me.  In light of that, that means I can't actually recommend this one because its strengths are perfectly suited to me not not many others.  If one is of a likened mindset, then yes, watch this one.  Or even if you're just curious.  But I can also say that of any episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  That type of recommendation isn't that enticing, because it basically amounts to "If you're going to watch it, then watch it."

But, if nothing else, I need to say this.  I've been a fan of this show since 1997.  During that particular period of my life, I was obsessed with the Sci-Fi era of the show because those were the only episodes I had access to.  After the show was canceled, a lot of my life was devoted to discovery, working my way backwards through what episodes I could get my hands on (mind you, this was long before every episode was easy access on YouTube and Internet Archive).  I spent a good portion of my twenties piecing together this show like a puzzle with the knowledge that there will always be pieces missing.  As of 2026, I can say I've seen the entirety of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  After the better part of three decades, I don't know if I can wrap my head around the fact that I now have every single episode at my disposal and can watch them at leisure.  That feeling is...really weird, to be honest.  And I don't think it hit me as to what was bothering me until a random memory popped into my head.

Way back in the day, I was really big on the show Sliders.  I once met a guy online who had a copy of every episode but there was one he refused to watch.  It wasn't because of the content of the episode, and it wasn't even the finale or anything important.  It was just some random episode that he never got around to and said that he probably wouldn't watch it anytime soon.  When asked why, he responded that as soon as he watches that episode, that means the show is over and there will be no more to look forward to.  I always thought that was strange, because my reasoning was that if you've not going to watch it, then you can't really look forward to it.  I don't think I've related to his mindset more than I did the minute I finished this episode.  It's like a strange feeling of satisfaction and the emptiness of "Wow, I guess that's it.  It's over.  I'm done."  The world could have easily never had seen this episode again, and I would have gone to my grave saying "Mystery Science Theater 3000 is never over, because there is one episode left."  Now that just isn't true anymore.  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to look at this episode normally because I'll always associate it with that.  The only thing left is the uncertainty of whatever gets made in the future, be it the RiffTrax Experiments, Season Fourteen, or otherwise.  Until those days come, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is over.  That's bittersweet.  But it is also complete.  I'm happy about that.

⭐️⭐️

Average

Cinema Playground Journal 2026: Week 32 (My Cinema Playground)

Multiplex Madness

Ice Cream Man

⭐️1/2

Genre:  Horror, Comedy

Director:  Eli Roth

Starring:  Ari Millen, Charlie Zeltzer, Shiloh O'Reilly, Kiori Mirza Waldman, Sarah Abbott, Benjamin Byron Davis

I took in the Monday Mystery Movie for the first time in a few years because it was advertised as "Horror Edition" and I thought there was a non-zero chance that it would be Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma.  I knew the only other likely film it would be was Ice Cream Man, but I took my chances.  Oh well, if a gamble always paid off, it wouldn't be a gamble.

In spite of the title, Ice Cream Man has nothing to do with the Clint Howard classic of the same name (which was also turned into RiffTrax fodder), and director Eli Roth comes up with his own story to fit this unconventional horror antagonist.  His version has a mysterious ice cream man appear in town whose ice cream creates a sort of Pied Piper effect on the children.  Eventually, the kids of the town fall into a trance and start murdering all of the adults in a playful manner.  This movie is basically a zombie movie with sugary aesthetics, told from the perspective of thirteen-year-olds who all know if they eat dairy, they become "one of them."  I won't lie, there is some entertainment to be had in the movie's relentless "no fucks to give" approach.  The movie has base camp appeal in the idea of children gleefully causing death and mayhem in mass and with laughter.  It can't maintain it as it stretches its high-concept short film idea into a very thin feature film.  Very little happens in this movie outside of someone new popping up every five seconds to set up an elaborate death scene.  As playful as the movie is, it gets exhausting because for a movie that is intent of being outside-the-box, it's too one-note.  The shock laughs end after five minutes because the movie just keeps repeating the same beats over and over.  As far as off-beat outsider cinema goes, I didn't have a bad time, but it can get pretty boring.

One Night Only

⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Comedy, Romance

Director:  Will Gluck

Starring:  Monica Barbaro, Callum Turner, Molly Ringwald, LeVar Burton, Maya Hawke, Julia Fox, Michelle Hurd, Charlie Gillespie

Hey, look.  It's that movie that is "The Purge but horny."  Some movies are only designed to have a premise that is destined to become a meme, and One Night Only is not only one of those movies but it's so brazenly an attempt at one that the idea that it exists at all is what accidentally became the meme.  So, in case you weren't aware of this movie, the concept is that premarital sex has been outlawed except for one night a year.  That night has Callum Turner being dumped by his girlfriend and Monica Barbaro seeking a fleeting romantic connection with whichever partner she finds herself with.  The pair constantly bump into each other during a series of sexual misadventures that always end in disaster.

To be frank, this law doesn't seem very enforceable.  Sex isn't like drugs where you can catch people with weed or paraphernalia.  All that's required of it is two people going into a room and taking their pants off.  It tries to cover itself with "lore" about some magic tattoo, but somehow the tattoo can tell the difference between actual sex and masturbation, which is borderline nonsense because if brings up a whole host of questions about how it functions.  Is it about simultaneous build-up of stimulation in the same vicinity?  Or is it some form of male/female penetration sensor?  How can it tell when two people aren't just turned on in the same room?  How can it tell when gay men or lesbians are having sex?  How does it sense oral?  How does it sense...ya'know, butt stuff?  What about people who like feet?  And if the you have achieved married status, can it sense when you are having sex with another married person who isn't your legal partner?  Could everyone get legally married and then just hook up, changing the idea of marriage into just a word that makes it legal to have sex with other people who have achieved the same status?  This is some Starship Troopers "Citizen" shit.  There is so much to cover here.  And honestly, even if this tattoo did work the way it claims it does, this law is destined for failure.  Human nature, by design, would completely reject it, people would ignore it on mass, and jail space would be so minimal for violators that this law would be repealed within months.  I think the movie has convinced itself that it's being a parody of prudish lawmakers taking away liberties regarding sexuality amd birth control, but the movie honestly isn't that smart.  The movie isn't interested in having this discussion because we could have a raunchy romcom insteaf.  It's just an excuse to set up setpieces of sex jokes and romantic tension.

But until proven otherwise, I firmly believe that butt stuff is the way to beat the system.

Taking the film's commentary failure out of the equation, one has to judge the movie as a romcom, and it isn't very romantic nor funny.  One can see the ideas they're playing with, as a mutual force of romantic attraction overcomes a night of lust between the two leads.  It doesn't hit very strongly because, as a sex comedy, it doesn't deliver the goods.  The movie teeters between being moderately amusing and awkwardly strange in all of the scenarios it pummels its characters with, ending more than one scene with that nagging thought of "But why would you...ugh, nevermind."  It's trying to be wacky and sexy at the same time and both aspects rob each other of their strengths.  Each detour gets more forced as the film goes on and the movie accidentally winds up confusing as a result.

It's a shame because Monica Barbaro probably deserves a big spotlight movie, and she's suitably charismatic in this.  Callum Turner has had his time to shine in other movies, but Barbaro's career highlight is Top Gun:  Maverick and she wasn't even in it that much, and her last starring role was a different mediocre romcom that wound up deleted from the streaming service it was made for and reduced to a tax write-off.  Maybe one day she'll find something that works for her.  Even if this movie hits it big, it's easily forgettable and would only be a pathway into even more forgettable romcoms.  The road to the Hallmark Channel is very dangerous and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Super Troopers 3:  Farva's Wedding

⭐️⭐️1/2

Genre:  Comedy

Director:  Jay Chandrasekhar

Starring:  Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske, Hannah Simone, Nat Faxon, Chace Crawford, Brian Cox

You're going to have to bear with me.  I watched the original Super Troopers when it came out and remember nothing about it.  Never saw the second one, and the only other Broken Lizard movie I've seen was Club Dread, which I also remember nothing about.  Speaking as someone with no real connection to this particular trilogy, sometimes some meaningless irreverence is perfectly adequate as silly entertainment.  There is a chance that if I went into this movie with a more sour mood than I did, I would have been more neutral, but I had a good time.

I have very little memory of who any of these characters are, but the premise centers on these goofy Vermont State Troopers that have built a cult following over the past few decades, with two of them about to become brother-in-laws, as the uncouth Farva is about to marry Thorny's sister.  Not wanting the nuptuals to take place, Thorny begins to scheme of ruining the wedding.  A sitcom premise that results in obvious attempts at belly laughs, Super Troopers 3 is nothing noteworthy, but there is an appeal to it.  Not everyone is going to see the this group of bored, borderline incompetent cops and laugh at it.  It's pretty lowbrow, and not always in a well-crafted way.  But if something can be said for the Broken Lizard style, it's that they do know how to time their jokes well and, while they're not all gutbusters, they know how to deliver them.  Sometimes the movie can coast on pushing the line, but potential insensitivity is softened because the actual insensitivity being portrayed is the joke and not any group that's being punched down upon.  And mostly the movie is a series of irreverence jumping through plot hoops.  Maybe there is a drug conspiracy to be solved.  Maybe there is a mystery to how Farva met Thorny's sister (and it's actually obvious from minute one how that happened).  Maybe there is a series of events about hardened and set-in-their-ways State Troopers who are used to traditional gasoline-powered transport learning to love an electric vehicle (maybe too literally).  There's bachelor party shenanigans.  There are meeting-the-parents shenanigans.  There is even a bit of action that might be an homage to Dukes of Hazard (one of the cars has a non-Confederate American flag on top of it, so...).  It's a lot of scenarios to inject humor in, and I found them more entertaining than not.

It is kinda sad that Jay Chandrasekhar and the Broken Lizard gang have been roped into doing nothing but repeating their one actual success over and over again, but maybe there is a minor winning formula in the Super Troopers legacy.  If it stays fun, maybe it's worth keeping alive.

Movies Still Playing At My Theater

I Want Your Sex ⭐️⭐️1/2

The Invite ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Minions & Monsters ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Moana ⭐️1/2

(Obsession is gone 😭)

The Odyssey ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Toy Story 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

New To Digital

Couture ⭐️⭐️

Evil Dead Burn ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Haunted Heist ⭐️1/2

The Isolate Theif ⭐️⭐️1/2

Lucky Strike ⭐️1/2

New To Physical

Exit 8 ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Coming Soon!

RiffTrax Goes to the Gizmoplax (MST3K Special)

The Short

The special short presentation of this Gizmoplex special is Safety in Offices, a military safety film that also doubles as a slapstick comedy.  As Mike says, "No one is funnier than the United States Navy."  As proved by the movie Hot Shots!  The short centers a group of Naval officers who fail to adhere to basic office safety procedures, leading to hilarious antics, especially that little firecracker Miss Dipple.  The moral of the story is simple:  if one is injured, it's funny!

Shake Hands With Danger this is not, and maybe we should be thankful for that.  Nobody wants to see Miss Dipple in pieces on the floor.  We'd rather see her in her Lucille Ball era physical antics while teaching us a lesson that there are simple things we can do throughout the day to prevent us from a Shake Hands With Danger scenario.  Or to just prevent our finger being bitten by a filing cabinet or a typewriter.

"Typewriter bites girl!"

"I still do that with my laptop all the time!"

Mike, Kevin, and Bill seem to be the first to point out that, if anything, the short is anti-filing cabinet.  Most of the accidents seem to center on the misuse of the trusted organization tool, be it smashing one's thumb or knocking over a pile of paperwork.  But they also guide us through basic ladder safety, which Bill points out as something that leads to a "Me Too" moment.  Sometimes the biggest laughs of the short are just the short itself because it actually is a pretty fun little slapstick comedy on its own, containing moments of "Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" and wacky physical stunts.  And the character of Miss Dipple is delightful, or, as the narrator calls her, "Killer Dipple."  She's an ignorant little trainwreck who tears through this short like a storm with her "Unladylike gyrations."  I'm not sure if the riff overcomes the short being shown with this one, but what I can safely say is that I had a blast.

Thumbs Up

👍

The Livestream

During the 2021 Kickstarter, the folks at RiffTrax gave a tiny nudge by offering to do a special event of their own on the Gizmoplex should the campaign succeed.  The event wound up being the last special that the Gizmoplex streamed, and it was certainly a fun night.  The event started with a special presentation of Gumby:  The Movie (review here), which certainly seemed like a riff they were pretty proud of.  With good reason.  It's very fun and it shows RiffTrax putting their best foot forward while also showcasing a type of experience that MST3K didn't provide during its run, successfully letting MSTies know that supporting them brings a similar experience but just different enough.  For that, the movie selection is a home run.  No notes.

The actual new content begins afterward, other than a janky intro by Matt McGinnis where is sound is garbled.  He fixes it for the post-show, thankfully, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill jump into their live riff of Safety in Offices.  I will say that presenting the short after the movie was something that gave me creative indigestion.  So much of Mystery Science Theater and RiffTrax formats the short before the movie, and even all of the Gizmoplex events kicked off with the brand new short debuting before the tribute episode.  I understand why it's formatted this way, because it condenses all of Mike, Kevin, and Bill's participation into one section and it was probably easier on everyone.  But the short is fun and I'm happy with the result.

Afterward is Q&A time with special guest host Emily Marsh!  Emily jumps in with an immense fondness for this crew and she has questions for them about their creative process.  It's probably the noob asking the boomers for advice.  But first, Emily shocks the nation by admitting that she was one of the very few people who saw Gumby:  The Movie in theaters when she was a wee girl, claiming that it was like The Pagemaster in that it was so horrifying that she couldn't look away.  She then asks what draws them to the Gumby franchise, because both MST3K and RiffTrax have history with it.  They claim it's just something fun and different that they try to wrap their head around, and Kevin has some colorful descriptions of the IP, such as "The worldbuilding they do is so overwrought." and "As interesting as the visuals are, the dialogue is absolutely pedestrian."  It goes back to what I was saying about how movies like this are so rare in this format that it makes the ones that do appear something to treasure.

Emily then asks "What makes for a good RiffTrax movie?"  Mike says that it's kind of loose, as he said they'd never do Plan 9 from Outer Space until they did.  Bill points out a purpose of intent, claiming that the best of the movies for their format were made with a form of sincerity, like The Room or Birdemic.  Mike also brings up interesting quirks of small productions like this, bringing up "a recent shark movie" (I believe he's referring to Jurassic Shark) that had an obsession with popcorn shrimp and how he can't figure out what the reference is supposed to be.  Emily then asks them about self-awareness in a movie, and they all agree that it's hard.  They use Sharknado as an example, as they dropped the series because it was becoming to self-aware to handle.  They also bring up the sequels to Birdemic and Samurai Cop, which they opted out of doing because they were trying to be comedies.  Bill points out that it's when they're handling a movie like this that their format "leans into anger," and have the riffers just get irate at the movie, using Hobgoblins as an example.  Emily finds an apt description in calling the ordeal a "Turduckhen of comedy."  When asked what the most difficult movies to riff are, they bring up Hobgoblins again, but Bill also goes in a different direction and goes back to the OG RiffTrax format and brings up the Transformers movies, claiming they're so chaotic that they were hard to get a foothold on.

Talk turns to the Live shows, and Emily wants to know more about Rad, which was the show that was being crowdfunded at the time (and this event is primarily an advertisement for).  The boys discuss how this is an interesting kitchy teen sports genre that they don't do that often, the closest comparison being the volleyball movie Spiker.  But they love this realm of 80's cheese, and bring up the potential for even more to come with their reward riff of the Sylvester Stallone movie Cobra that they hoped to do (and they did do).  Emily then asks what they love about their live riffs, and Kevin loves the infectious energy in the room when a joke lands.  Bill counters that he loves it when a joke tanks.  Kevin agrees with that too, claiming that he loves the groans.

Matt then reads some listener questions.  One asks if there is anything they actually learned from the educational shorts.  Mike learned to not wash clothes in gasoline and Bill learned how to make masks from grass (corn?).  I'll also add that the Keeping Clean and Neat short on MST3K taught me that it was easier to cut toenails after a shower and that knowledge has served me well over the years.  Then someone asks if they can watch a movie and not riff it.  The short answer is yes, especially in a theater.  Though Mike and Bill admit their wives can get irritated when they start joking about little things throughout the day ("Stop riffing breakfast!").  The last question is about how they approach a movie they've already done before, and basically they all just forget what jokes they have or haven't done over the years.  Though, they'll definitely go back to the well if there is a joke they absolutely need to do for fan service, pointing out that they absolutely had to repeat the line "I'm gonna sink this bitch." for their riff of Titanic.

And with that, the Gizmoplex closes its doors.  For a final event, this is as good as you can ask for.  We finally got Mike and Kevin to participate in our little corner of the internet and we had some fun adventures with Gumby.  Also, Miss Dipple!  RiffTrax Goes to the Gixmoplex was a rousing success, bringing hope for more RiffTrax events in the future.  Of course, that never came to pass, but they closed out this one chapter in MST lore with a bang.

Gumby: The Movie (RiffTrax)

Onscreen Title:  "Gumby 1"

Film Year:  1995

Genre:  Fantasy, Adventure, Comedy

Director:  Art Clokey

Starring:  Charles Farrington, Art Clokey, Gloria Clokey

RiffTrax Year:  2021

Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

The Movie

Turning Gumby into a feature film seemed like something that definitely should have happened at some point.  Unfortunately, the fact that it happened in 1995 is an oddity that would have only been topped had it come out in 2025.  Gumby's been waddling around since the 1950's, usually in short segments on television.  Maybe it was for the best that they never tried to bring him to an "overstaying his welcome" format during the height of his popularity, but doing so when Gumby wasn't the novelty he used to be seems to be a sign that a movie is going to be modernized in an unappealing way.  Remember when the Jetsons came back for a movie and dubbed over Judy's voice actress with a pop singer and gave her musical numbers?  Remember when the Looney Tunes decided to reinvent themselves by playing basketball with Michael Jordan?  Gumby:  The Movie is more of that.  Gumby is doing Gumby things, in a longer format with a convoluted story and padded out with pandering sequences in an attempt to appeal to older children who are very unlikely to watch a Gumby movie.

The story, as it is, features Gumby, who is now in a rock band and putting on a charity concert to save the local farms, while also adopting a new dog named Lowbelly.  Apparently Gumby's band is so bad that Lowbelly starts crying, and his tears turn to pearls for Gumby reasons.  Wanting this golden goose of a dog, the antagonistic Blockheads kidnap the pup and replace him with a robot.  It's up to Gumby and his friends to save the day with their shapeshifting powers and their abilities to jump into any storybook and VHS on the shelf and enter each magical land.  Most of the movie is just an excuse for whatever, and it certainly just feels like every portion is just what the animators were in the mood for on any given day.  Gumby has elaborate dance numbers, plays with mad science equipment, fights with knights, goes to space and gets a lightsaber, and also just basic yard work, all in that traditional "Gumby explains what Gumby is doing while Gumby is doing it style."  It's like this movie is made for pre-schoolers but also wants to be hip enough for tweens and nostalgic enough for adults and it winds up being appealing for none of them.

There are ways to do this adequately.  While Gumby:  The Movie was in production, Muppet Babies was a very popular TV program for youngsters and it pulled off a lot of the things Gumby:  The Movie tried to do in a far more consistent and inviting package.  It's not that the ideas in Gumby:  The Movie are bad, it's that it does them wrong.  Things like Gumby jumping into different fantasy landscapes and having little vignette adventures, that could be fun.  That could also justify why Gumby is in a feature film and why one would pay to see it in a theater.  Wading through through a goofy subplot about robot dogs, a half-assed story about farmland, and watching Gumby play in a rock band?  All of that sucks.  It makes the movie a pain-in-the-ass to watch.

What's interesting to me is that the movie is directed by Gumby creator Art Clokey, so one can say that whatever this movie is, it was the "vision" of the man who created this franchise.  When I watch this movie, it certainly feels like it's made with older sensibilities while trying to be "hip" and "cool."  The streams did not cross.  There is not much more to it than that.  Gumby:  The Movie is a thing that happened.  Who knows if it will ever deliver on the title promise of a "Gumby 2," but if Gumby ever gets to that point, hopefully they have nowhere to go but up.

The Trax

"Gumby's attempt to push the word 'adventure' to its absolute breaking point."

There is like this strange synergy between Gumby and Mystery Science Theater 3000.  We saw it all the way back in the day when they riffed Robot Rumpus in the Screaming Skull episode, which wound up being one of the most memorable shorts of the series.  It feels like recently RiffTrax started to awaken to the fact that Gumby really lent himself well to riffing, as they threw up a few more Gumby shorts and also managed to score a full VOD of the weirdest thing the Gumby franchise has ever created, Gumby:  The Movie.

The riff to this one makes me wish that there are more animated movies like this that RiffTrax could tackle.  Say what you will about Gumby:  The Movie, but it's not incompetent.  It's the Gumby experience, just in feature format.  And the Gumby experience always provokes some sort of reaction ("A lot of phallic stuff going on for a movie about a guy with no genitals.").  The movie is both weird and familiar, pushing our trio of comedians to the brink of insanity before pulling back and going "Well, what did we expect?"  Keeping up with the logic of a Gumby movie is hard because Gumby has no logic.  Anything can happen and will happen.  "So Fake Gumby is more worthy to be King of England than real Gumby?"  You bet!  Gumby:  The Movie is almost like a feature film version of Mr. B Natural.  It exists in its own reality and you just have to hope nothing pops out of the TV and tries to kill you.

"Oh no!  The door is locked!"

"YOU CAN ALL WALK THROUGH WALLS!"

The RiffTrax experience is like men being guided through madness and trying to make sense of it all.  They flinch at Gumby's gal pal Goo having "more power than any Marvel superhero" by turning into an air glider, like Hedorah in Godzilla vs. Hedorah.  They cringe at the bulky, cluttered dialogue that litters each character's mouths ("Pokey yells 'Shotgun!' in the whiniest way possible.")  They try to be threatened by Gumby and his band mates being replaced by robots, only to not understand the threat of their bad music ("Oh no, they're...  Worse?  Better?").  And, of course, "Poop covered robot dogs.  You don't get many of those in animated movies."  We sure don't.  And RiffTrax brings the manure to us in what is truly a one-of-a-kind riff experience.  For better or worse?  That's up to you.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Classic

The DVD

Gumby:  The Movie was released on DVD as a part of an exclusive box set sold through RiffTrax's website called the "Super Fun Time Box Set."  Video was in standard definition, so it's a worse print than the HD digital download.  Audio was solid, making it a solid option for those who want their RiffTrax to be physically on their shelf.  The set was sold with Honor and Gorty, Dancin':  It's On!, a disc full of shorts, and a bonus tin lunchbox!

Cinema Playground Journal 2026: Week 31 (My Cinema Playground)

Multiplex Madness

I Want Your Sex

⭐️⭐️1/2

Genre:  Comedy

Director:  Gregg Araki

Starring:  Olivia Wilde, Cooper Hoffman, Mason Gooding, Chase Sui Wonders, Johnny Knoxville, Margaret Cho, Roxane Mesquida, Charli XCX, Daveed Diggs

In the area of non-Spider-Man film experiences this week, we have our second Olivia Wilde starring sex comedy of the last few months.  If you hate superheroes, then I hope you love the idea of Wilde in latex straddling Cooper Hoffman.  The latex doesn't bother me, but the less I see of Cooper Hoffman's paunch, the better.  I mean, Mason Gooding's abs are right there.  Let's see more of those.

I Want Your Sex has Wilde playing a modern artist who specializes in pieces inspired by human sexuality having an affair with timid underling Hoffman.  She pushes the boundaries of his sexual limits, sometimes for his benefit but often for her own amusement.  Weirdly enough, the movie reminded me of a modern, sub/dom pop version of Sunset Boulevard, like if you switched out Gloria Swanson with someone like Madonna.  It's not as good, as funny, or as memorable as Sunset Boulevard.  It just has more nipples.  The basic idea of both films are about a man who is sucked up into a the somewhat crazy worldview of an icon, and things spiralling.  Also, both movies plot themselves around a floating body in a pool.  I have no idea if this is intentional homage or not, but I'm going to assume it is.  Ultimately, the film is another movie about sexual power dynamics from this year.  It's not the best one, but it's quirky enough to carve a little niche of its own.

It's amusing, but it also feels quite scripted and mechanical.  Good comedy lies on a thin line between calculated and spontaneous.  I Want Your Sex is begging for more spontaneity.  This is weird because good sex requires spontaneity also.  Some of the jokes in this movie can be funny.  One of the gags in the movie that made me laugh the most is during a threesome scene where Wilde asks Hoffman's roommate Chase Sui Wonders to put on a strap-on dildo, but she's so inexperienced in this area of sexuality that she doesn't know how to wear it, so she straps it around her arms so she has a dildo on her chest.  I laughed a good long while at that.  But the problem with a lot of the comedy in this movie is that they seem to be big, expressionistic ideas that don't have grounding to them.  Hoffman's bitchy girlfriend in the film is played by Charli XCX, and her character doesn't really make sense.  I imagine the idea is that she's a woman who is bored with her relationship, but it often gives the impression that this was never a passionate relationship to begin with, which begs the question of why they are together at all.  Then you have Wonders' roommate character, who seems to be coping with repressed bisexuality and/or personal growing feelings for Hoffman (possibly both at the same time), and the movie never explores what her role in the story is.  That might be part of the point, because she's essentially a character who might have had a solid chemistry with Hoffman, who was too obsessed with Wilde to look at her, and he wound up burning that bridge.  The problem is that Wonders is too underutilized for that role to actually hit the way it should.  Additionally, the movie doesn't have anything innovative or inspired to say about human sexuality.  It usually defaults to "Modern generations are a bunch of prudes and sex is awesome."  Okay, cool, I guess.  Maybe there is a morality of monogamy is a shackle and sexuality should be free.  Sure, whatever.  I never felt like the movie had a point worth sitting through it to get to.  And it's finale kinda blows, feeling like they were written into a corner and unsure where to go, which makes me less likely to say this is a movie to stick with until the end.  When a movie about sex can't bring itself to climax, then I wonder if it actually knows as much about sex as it claims it does.

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Genre:  Superhero, Action, Fantasy

Director:  Destin Daniel Cretton

Starring:  Tom Holland, Zendaya, Sadie Sink, Jacob Batalon, Jon Bernthal, Florence Pugh, Tramell Tillman, Marisa Tomei, Mark Ruffalo

Chances are that long after the MCU dies, Spider-Man will likely be the last IP standing.  It's probably inevitable.  As I've always said, the superhero bubble could burst tomorrow and all of these movies could suddenly quality drop and I'd still reliably show up for Spider-Man, Batman, and the Ninja Turtles.  Brand New Day is the eleventh film in the Webslinger's franchise, matched/surpassed only by the Caped Crusader's own tally (Batman's total film count changes depending on whether or not you consider Batman v Superman a Batman movie, but I won't get into such nerdy pedantics).

This film returns to the MCU version of the hero (as we continue to wait for the next Spider-Verse flick), who has spent his young adulthood sinking further and further into the Spider-Man persona after erasing his identity from the memories of eveyone in the world during the events of No Way Home.  As he struggles with maintaining his distance with old friends Ned and M.J., he faces a brand new threat that can seemingly inhabit people's minds, seeking something unknown while carelessly harming people in their path.  It's tricky to discuss, because Marvel wants this villain to be a big surprise.  They might have needed to know when they're beaten though, because this particular actor has been pretty thoroughly linked to a particular Marvel character ever since their casting was announced, calling into mind back when J.J. Abrams thought he was being so coy when he was insisting Benedict Cumberbatch was absolutely not playing Khan in Star Trek into Darkness.  If you don't know who it is, I'm going to side-step that particular spoiler.  What I will say is that I'm happy with the way this character was portrayed and I think the casting is solid.  Why they chose to introduce the character in this particular way is something that I'm not sure I fully understand, but it works and I'm interested in what they're doing with that particular storyline.

Fanboy thoughts on future potential aside and talking about the film purely as a movie, Brand New Day shines brightest in how well it nails its quiet moments.  The scenes of heart and connection make this movie sing, which makes it jarring when it reverts to action formula and the movie has more plot than it's comfortable juggling.  Certain elements from the comics seep into this particular story of the character, such as Peter finding that his spider powers are mutating and he is struggling to control them.  My cheif problem with this aspect is that, if you're going to introduce it, then you need to lean into it.  It serves a plot function, but it's essentially forgotten when it's not relevant.  In the comics, this particular storyline leads to some twisted aspects of body horror, which Brand New Day nerfs into just Spidey having quirks with his superpowers.  To an extent, this almost mirrors the storyline in Spider-Man 2 whete Peter struggles with inner turmoil, so his powers start to disappear.  Only in this one, Peter struggles with inner turmoil, so his powers make him even more of a Spider-Man.  If this was the main story of the movie, it could work, but while it feeds themes of repression and being whole, it's underserved because the narrative feels like it isn't complete.  I assume they might pay it off in future Spider-Man movies, or probably even an Avengers movie, but it just makes this particular movie feel like it's sitting on its hands.  Meanwhile, it's jumping from that to the villain's story and back to Peter longing for the friends he lost, and the movie gets kinda wonky.  It speeds up, slows down, hits fast forward, comes to a complete stop, wallows for a bit, kicks back in...it just keeps jumping around like that.

I'm not going to say its pacing is a super fault because the honest to god truth is that the film's most calm moments are its highlights.  The movie has so much heart with its themes about the importance of connection and friendship, and the movie really hits with this.  It can be a powerful film when it's a drama.  When it's an action movie, it can still be fun.  When it's something to follow and dissect, that's the only time that it's frustrating.  But in the end, it makes me long for a buddy cop movie that's just Tom Holland's Spider-Man and Jon Bernthal's Punisher.  Brand New Day has a taste of that and it is delicious.

Netflix & Chill

The Devil's Mouth

⭐️

Streaming On:  Prime

Genre:  Thriller

Director:  Jeff Wadlow

Starring:  Kathryn Newton, Lana Condor, Gavin Casalegno, Nico Hiraga

Everyone remain calm!  This is not a drill!  Hold your excitement!  It's important that we keep organized and use the streaming device in an orderly fashion!  I'm aware that nothing brings more excitement to the world than the two most beautiful words in the English language:

SHARK MOVIE!

And Jeff Wadlow directed this one, which is one of those directors that has consistent quality to his name.  When you see his name on a movie, it's pretty much guaranteed to suck.  That means SHITTY SHARK MOVIE!  That's even better!

A group of vacationing friends explore a cave system off the coast of Thailand, only to find that a Bull shark somehow became trapped inside of it.  Together, they look for an exit without becoming lunch.  And this is one hungry shark too.  I'm curious how many people one Bull shark can eat within the span of an hour.  According to this movie, it's about six.  That seems like a lot.  And it's still hungry.  Talk about having eyes bigger than your stomach.  One would think even sharks get full at some point.  But this shark is crazy because it bit straight through a turtle in a clean break.  Sharks have strong jaws, but they're not that strong.  So this has to be some sort of super shark.  I'm actually very curious about the turtle, because it's supposed to be a foreboding incident that implies the shark but I'm wondering how it killed that turtle outside the caves and got stuck inside them overnight.  That shark must have had a hell of an adventure.

In case you can't tell yet, this movie doesn't make a lot of sense.  It's actually pretty impressive how anti-sense it makes.  It's rare that I come across a movie that is this determined to be this moronic.  It even completes itself with a group of capable actors playing the most inept people ever to grace film.  And I mean inept in a very special way.  It's amusing how the movie doesn't really let the characters make traditional bad horror character decisions like movies like this usually do.  The bad decisions that are being made by them is that they just bicker endlessly, whine incoherently, or panic by jumping up and down and screaming and it always contrives them straight into a bad situation.  And it's sometimes contradictory, as these people will make one point then argue the exact opposite two minutes later so they can contrive themselves into another bad situation.  Poor Lana Condor gets the worst of it, because she's playing a toxic character who degrades into useless load as the movie marches on.  It sometimes tries to forge a touching moment between her and Kathryn Newton, but by the end of the movie Condor is nothing but a meatsack that we're supposed to be sympathetic for because she is now the most pathetic thing you've ever seen.

But, long story short, the movie is The Descent.  With a shark.  And terrible.  Watch The Descent instead.  Unless you want to see The Descent with a shark and terrible.  Then watch this instead because SHARK MOVIE!

SOULM8TE

⭐️⭐️

Streaming On:  VOD

Genre:  Thriller

Director:  Kate Dolan

Starring:  Lily Sullivan, David Rhysdahl, Claudia Doumit

SOULM8TE is the third (and likely last) film in the M3GAN Cinematic Universe.  After the surprise success and memeification of original M3GAN, there was an aggressive cockiness to what they had and it resulted in a push for M3GAN to rise from being a January horror diversion and become a summer blockbuster franchise that included sequels, spin-offs, and the works.  M3GAN 2.0 came out and all of that changed.  They made a sequel that leaned into M3GAN's icon status and went for broke in audience pandering, and I certainly saw pros and cons in the movie that resulted, which was watchable stupidity.  Though if you were to tell me that you refused to support the film because they strayed from the horror genre, I'd stare at you like your head had caved in.  Creatives should never listen to people who spew nonsense like this.  If they did, we wouldn't have Aliens, Terminator 2, or Army of Darkness.  M3GAN 2.0 isn't as good as any of those movies, but its failings are not caused by its genre switch.

Which brings us to SOULM8TE, a semi-innocent casualty in the crashing and burning of M3GAN 2.0.  The movie will likely never escape it's collateral damage status because so far it has been pretty defined by it.  SOULM8TE was supposed to hit theaters in January, but after M3GAN 2.0 happened, it was quietly removed from the schedule.  Rumors then began to swirl that Universal was trying to sell the movie because they just didn't want to associate with M3GAN anymore.  Cowards.  You committed to this movie.  Put it out.  You don't even have to advertise it as a M3GAN spin-off.  It's not a big deal.  Eventually they did release it, in a way.  They skipped theatrical release and just dumped it on VOD.  On a Saturday.  What kind of weird shit is this?

Anyway, this was a purchase only option and I bought it.  I didn't even know if it was any good.  I forked over twenty bucks to support the people who were getting jerked around and I'd do it again.

Anyway, it's fine.  A little boring.

This spin-off centers on a widower whose tech company asks him to beta test a SOULM8TE prototype:  an android designed for romantic companionship.  He finds the experience lackluster, owing to the fact that she was programmed for complacency and had no defining attributes as an individual which would make her desirable as a companion.  This, of course, means he starts changing her code, which makes her more lively, but also makes her more dangerous. 

The cheeky camp of the M3GAN franchise is lacking in this entry, which is more melancholy and dreary.  I guess some might prefer that it leans into suspense more than the last film, but it also isn't enthusiastic about itself nor is it very suspenseful.  The movie's connection to the M3GAN franchise is also more spiritual than direct, which likely could have been edit tampering, trying to delete mentions of the other films within its narrative.  I couldn't tell you for certain because I would need to know more about this film's post-production.  But there are connections present if you pay attention, as the "bonding" process is very similar to M3GAN's and the skeletal structure of the SOULM8TE itself seems directly based on the tiny droid doll's design.  But that just brings us back to the fact that the movie just isn't very fun.  The M3GAN movies always prioritized fun, even when they were getting aggressive.

Taking away the main franchise comparisons, the movie is just kinda old hat.  It feels like a story that has been done before and with better results.  Just this year brought Obsession, which was another film about someone being "programmed" to love someone and how it spirals out of control.  Obsession was an inspired banger of a movie, while SOULM8TE is very standard.  One could also note that a quality antagonist lead performance is a difference between the two movies, but I don't think that's too much of a problem here.  Evil Dead Rise's Lily Sullivan plays the killer love bot in this movie and she is up for everything she is asked to do.  It's a quality performance; it just isn't enhanced by the film's script or direction.  She has a few memorable body contortion scenes (likely with the aid of body doubles) and she kills a dude by squishing his dong in her tightening vajayjay.  That's about all the cool stuff that you're going to get from her.  And while the screenplay has no punch, it does have observation of the evolving trend of A.I. companionship in our society, from ChatGPT to the promise that actual sex bots are closer than ever.  I don't think what it has to say adds anything new to the conversation, but they took a crack at it.

I think one of the things working against the movie is that it came so soon after Companion, which had a similar premise, was much more intelligent and wry with its theming, and was also one of the best movies of last year.  And I'm not going to accuse the movie of being a rip-off or anything, because movies about android/human connection have been around for a very long time.  Steven Speilberg made A.I., Chris Columbus made Bicentenial Man, Alex Garland made Ex Machina, and hell, even M3GAN was one of these.  One could even say the same about a movie like Short Circuit.  And even in the months before Companion, there was another fembot movie called Subservience that starred Megan Fox.  It's a whole thing.  SOULM8TE isn't the best of them.  It does it with a full commentary but doesn't really hit as hard as some of its contemporaries.

Movies Still Playing At My Theater

Backrooms ⭐️⭐️

Evil Dead Burn ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Her Private Hell ⭐️1/2

The Invite ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Minions & Monsters ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Moana ⭐️1/2

Motor City ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Obsession ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Odyssey ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Toy Story 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Young Washington ⭐️⭐️

New To Digital

The Death of Robin Hood ⭐️⭐️1/2

Disclosure Day ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Leviticus ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

Supergirl ⭐️⭐️1/2

New To Physical

Desert Warrior ⭐️⭐️1/2

In the Grey ⭐️⭐️

Mortal Kombat II ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Tornado ⭐️⭐️1/2

Coming Soon!