1313-The Christmas Dragon

Film Year:  2014

Genre:  Fantasy

Director:  John Lyde

Starring:  Bailee Michelle Johnson, Paris Warner, David DeVillers, Ruby Jones, Jacob Buster, Jake Stormoen, Melanie Stone, Talon Ackerman, Adam Johnson, Renny Grames, Danny James, Paul D. Hunt, Eve Mauro

MST Season:  13

MST Host:  Joel, Jonah, Emily

The Movie

*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*

In a fantasy world, a group of orphans are tasked with rejuvenating Christmas after it mysteriously vanished from the world years ago.  Given a crystal compass by a dying elf, the kids venture out to discover the mystery of Father Christmas's disappearance and also rescue a baby dragon in the process, who may also be able to bring the magic of Christmas back to life.

Partially funded on Kickstarter for just over $51,000, The Christmas Dragon went out into the woods in Utah and filmed its Christmas-themed fantasy film with its heart on its sleeve.  Apparently that is how the production company, Arrowstorm Entertainment, funds their films.  The Christmas Dragon was their seventh and they've only gotten more ambitious from there, from funding a five-part film series called Mythica starring Kevin Sorbo and have been funding as recently as 2017 for a sci-fi film called 626 Evolution.  After that they seemed to move on to TV production for a series called The Outpost that aired on the CW.  How they made the leap from what they were doing to network television is anybody's guess, but they actually got into the field somehow.  Respect.

Were these Kickstarter films worth anything beyond that?  I'm sure they're proud of the experience and the work they put into them, though the films themselves might not be too hot for general audiences.  I'm sure when they were running their Kickstarters they probably didn't think one of their movies would wind up being swept up in another Kickstarter as a holiday movie for Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It feels like their only intent is to make low budget films for viewers who like to see little projects get off the ground.  Given how most of their projects seem to make exactly what their goal amount is, I'm assuming a few investors are pre-selected while the crowdfunding is just for extra change to put them over the top.

Whatever the case, The Christmas Dragon by normal standards is a flat movie.  It feels like the people who made Quest of the Delta Knights were tasked to remake Lord of the Rings into one 100 minute movie and were told to make it Christian relevant like Chronicles of Narnia.  Certain sequences seem to be inspired from the popular Middle-Earth saga while the movie even throws in lacking equivalents of Aragorn and Arwen into the fold to have their little human/elf romance to make its homage status official.  The movie even feels as if in order to be officially considered fantasy that every character needs to talk with a British accent, which most of the cast slips in and out of.  The only actor who doesn't even try to attempt one is Renny Grames, who plays the antagonist of the film in full Saturday morning villain mode, elongating her lines like she's trying to be devilish.  Then there is Santa Claus himself, who is given a hard as fuck Gerard Butler accent.

The storyline is kind of adorable really, combining the magic of Christmas with Tolkien-lite fantasy for a family adventure for Christian families is not really all that terrible an idea.  It's a silly one, mind you, but it's one that is bound to have some appeal and children stumbling upon a movie called The Christmas Dragon will likely be excited because it's a movie about Christmas and it's a movie about dragons.  The dragon part is limited though, as there is only so much dragon you can put in your movie for fifty grand.  The title Christmas Dragon doesn't even appear until late in the movie, in a scene that feels more than a little ripped out of How to Train Your Dragon.

The movie moves into its climax with the kids delivering presents with the dragon as their reindeer, which is largely a sequence of the kids bouncing up and down in a wooden box in front of a green screen.  Bless this movie's heart, it's trying really hard to make it not look like that, but there is only so much it can do.  That's probably my general impression of this movie, none of it is good in the slightest but it believes in itself.  That belief in yourself despite the reality of it staring you in the face almost works as an allegory for believing in Santa Claus or fairy tales in general.

The Episode

RiffVengers ASSEMBLE!  It's an all-star Mystery Science Theater 3000 spectacular, with more riffers for your buck, including an all-host team throwdown for the finale.  The elephant in the room is that Michael J. Nelson is not here to make the experience complete, which is unfortunate, but understandable as he's the fully invested head honcho in his competing project of RiffTrax.  That doesn't stop Mary Jo Pehl from dipping her toe in both worlds (or Bill Corbett from popping in for some livestream events), but I digress.  The Christmas Dragon is a fun reward for all the folks who have supported MST3K for three decades and have backed both Kickstarters, culminating in a large ensemble riff that can only be described as disappointing because we wanted even more people to join in on the fun.

As we've seen all season, Joel, Jonah, and Emily have been conspiring in rhyme about a master plan to escape their entrapment around the moon, which resulted in them convincing Pearl to push Kinga into doing an all-host riff so they can all be on the same satellite at the same time.  But The Christmas Dragon isn't just simply an all-host affair, as Kinga has constructed it in a way that each theater segment is helmed by a different group of riffers.  The first segment is riffed by Emily and her Bots (Conor McGiffin and Kelsey Ann Brady), the second is by Joel and Emily's Bots, the third is by Jonah and his Bots (Baron Vaughn and Hampton Yount), and the finale is Joel, Jonah, and Emily together.  If I were to tier all of this, I'd say that the all-host portion is rich on novelty, but isn't as funny as the rest of it, as the wisecracking Bot sidekicks are sorely missed.  I think I had more fun seeing different sections of the movie riffed by different people, which shined a light on how fun each group is in their own different ways.  It's kind of perfect for a season finale, because it encompasses the enjoyability of the experimentation of this multi-cast season.

But if I were to pick favorite children, I'd say Emily's section is a grand slam, while Jonah's trails it because of a few uneven sections.  The one thing I'd point out about these two portions of the riff is that they're the most dramatic chunks of the movie, so their comedy is given a stellar straight man to bounce off of.  Hampton especially shines as Jonah's Crow in this episode, because his style is more manic than the others and his delivery just pops against this movie.  It's too bad that he's only in twenty minutes of it.  Joel has a more subdued section about rambunctious children running about, but he does pretty well with it, while the finale feels like it breezes by.

I'd have to point out that part of the problem in the finale is that they chopped out about a third of this movie, and you can especially feel it by then.  While the plot essentially functions, the film does come off as rushed near-incoherency.  It's probably some of the most glaring editing work that they've done with a film in the entire history of the show, close to This Island Earth level and this time they don't even have a studio to blame.  Granted, I'd rather watch more of This Island Earth than The Christmas Dragon, but that's beside the point.  They even chop the title card out of the movie, which was like Phase IV and Demon Squad in that it was presented in the closing credits.  Part of that might be because they cut the epilogue wedding between Aragorn-lite and Arwen-lite, but you can still catch a glimpse of it as they exited the theater.

This was what the title card was, by the way.  I was almost tempted to paste this on the top of the review, but that seemed passive aggressive.

Judging the riffing in general, this episode is hysterical from top to bottom.  The film is such an odd work and so self-serious about its goofy premise that it can't help but set up stellar humor.  As mentioned above, Hampton is the MVP of the riff ("This must be the 'War on Christmas' Fox News is always going on about."), and the episode would have benefitted from giving him more play within it, but every player of the season puts out some great laughs.  I love the slow-motion action introduction of our badass lady elf, who we haven't met yet, to which Baron's Servo responds "Whoa!  It's...who is that?"  The climax features an arrow nearly hitting a child in the eyeball, as Jonah responds with the all-too-perfect riff "Dario Argento's Christmas Dragon."  Joel lets loose some shade at the Snyder Cut, which I'm always here for, because fuck that movie.  There's even a Nick Nolte riff.  I'm sure RiffTrax approves.

Speaking of Nick Nolte, the host segments are mostly an odd batch of fluff.  One featuring Patton Oswalt as "Friar Nolte" is memorable in that unless we were told he was supposed to be the friar who looks like Nick Nolte, I never would have guessed.  Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Patton as Max, it's hard to associate him with playing a different character on the show.  But I won't chastise the series for continuing its tradition of using its cast members to play characters from the film, and Patton's likely here because he does the best Nolte impression.  Other segments feel like killing time until the big conclusion.  I was the most amused by the lead-in to the movie, which has Kinga, Max, and Dr. Kabahl hamming it up like they're on a cheesy holiday variety show, while Joel, Jonah, and Emily try to pass off their little escape gizmos as the Invention Exchange.  Emily's is just a cinderblock, which had me laughing for days.

This leads to an extended finale where Joel, Jonah, and Emily try to haul Joel's satellite through the time tunnel and out of Kinga's clutches, which they power by playing Christmas tunes.  It's a fairly simple finale with fan service songs like Hooray for Santy Claus and Patrick Swayze Christmas.  It runs a little long but it's cute.  I will say its conclusion is a little out-of-nowhere, and really makes me wonder if what most of the people considered "story arcs" in this season were actually story arcs at all, because they really set up nothing.

And why no Mega-Synthia?  She had, like, one scene this season.  Why are you hiding Yvonne from us?

Honestly, despite a few misgivings that don't derail the episode, I'd say I think The Christmas Dragon is my favorite of the show's Christmas specials by a wide margin.  I appreciate Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and Santa Claus, though neither made me laugh as hard as this one, while the movie has almost as much personality as either option by itself.  And if Mystery Science Theater 3000 were to fly off into the night in a sleigh ride with a Christmas Dragon, then it seems like a farewell just as magical as one can hope for.  But what I really want for Christmas is another season.  Father Christmas, if you can hear me, please hop into your sleigh and deliver me such a wonderful present!  I've been such a good boy this year!

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Classic

The Livestream

Initially I had to keep this section blank because December is a nightmare at my job and I was unable to watch the livestream of The Christmas Dragon as it occurred.  So, I watched the episode itself after it was posted and wrote a review of it ASAP and posted it without any remarks on the livestream itself.  Getting the episode out of the way was my priority over everything else that the Gizmoplex offered that week.  It was a good call, because I needed to regain my bearings after the Christmas season and putting forth my review early led to a pleasant interaction with Christmas Dragon co-writer Shylah Adante, who is a MSTie herself and plugged my review on her Twitter.  She also thanked me for the kind words I said on the movie, and I responded "No problem" while secretly wondering "Was I kind to this movie?"  'Cause I remembered being a bit dismissive of it.  I went back and reread my review of it, and she was right, as I am a bit soft on it.  Maybe it's because I have a soft spot for Christmas movies, or perhaps because I like the plucky spirit of zero-budget cinema.  I will say that I'm not sure if "kind" is the word I would use, because I just think I was fair.  The Christmas Dragon strikes me as a movie that doesn't get many fair comments in its direction, likely getting a review on Amazon stating "My kids made me watch this garbage.  Two stars cuz the elf princess was hot."  Meanwhile, I actually looked up whatever I could find on the movie and based talking points off of that.

Anyway, we're in January now and I guess it's time to update this review.  This livestream is a bit special because they recorded a live event from earlier in December in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania where they premiered the episode on a theater screen in front of an audience.  The livestream is a special presentation of the episode with live theater reaction in the sound mix, so it sounds like the show has a laugh track.  Now, this might bug some viewers, but I actually found it to be non-bothersome and quite enjoyed the experience of watching an episode with an audience.  The sound mix was pretty well done, with most of the riffs coming out clean, though there are a few lost in the laughter.

We also get live discussion sessions, like the Q&A from The Christmas That Almost Wasn't tribute event, but with some bonus guests.  In addition to Jonah Ray, Emily Marsh, Baron Vaughn, Kelsey Ann Brady, Rebecca Hanson, Yvonne Freese, Tim Ryder, and Deanna Rooney, we also have Joel Hodgson, Mary Jo Pehl, Grant Baciocco, and Russ Walko are also present, answering questions from the audience.  We get some more love for Kelsey as Crow, who smashed the glass ceiling and became the first woman to play the character.  Jonah discusses meeting celebrities who are fans of the show, including horror director Mike Flannigan (who is incidentally a Kickstarter backer) and Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter is one of us, and I am very proud of this).  There is discussion about the writing process, including a lengthy discussion on how to work in the perfect fart joke, which Jonah takes full credit for while everyone else makes as many glorious puns as they can think of.

But the star of the night:  Mary Jo Pehl.  She doesn't have much to say, but the audience breaks out into several standing ovations just for her because she exists, and I think we can all agree that she deserves it.

But whatever is being discussed, the big news of the night is dropped before the episode, as Joel gets up to introduce us to the main event and casually mentions that plans are in motion for Season 14 of Mystery Science Theater 3000!  Can I get a "HELL YES?!"  Woo!  From the sounds of it, there will be more crowdfunding in our future, but we are not yet sure what that entails.  He promises us to update us in 2023, of which I am currently typing this in the first week of January and wondering how much money I'm going to give this time.

Whatever you need, Joel, I'm here for you.  But I think I speak for all of us when I say that there is only one aspect of the night that deserves more applause, and that is Mary Jo Pehl.

But until Season 14, Merry MSTmas to all, and to all a good night!