1007-Track of the Moon Beast

Film Year:  1976
Genre:  Horror
Director:  Richard Ashe
Starring:  Chase Cordell, Leigh Drake, Gregorio Sala
MST Season:  10

The Movie

Like Werewolf before it, Track of the Moon Beast aspires to warn the world against men named Paul because they’re all cursed to transform in ravaging animal beasts (Paul Reubens is also proof of this).  Here our resident accursed Paul gets struck on the head by a moon rock (OH WOW).  This moon rock (OH WOW) lodged in his brain has him turning into a murderous reptilian beast under the moon.  When attempts to remove the moon rock (OH WOW) discover that the moon rock (OH WOW) has merged with his body and will cause him to combust.  It’s up to the heroic Johnny Longbow to save the day with an arrow made of moon rock (OH WOW) that will solve Paul’s ailment by making him combust faster.

And all of this is told in the most boring way imaginable.  Track of the Moon Beast is a slug of a movie, keeping us at bay to watch bland scenes of humans mingling and hiding goofy monster action as long as possible.  Perhaps that was this ultra-low budget production’s way of generating suspense (or perhaps they just couldn’t afford more monster footage), but at the very least make your characters fun or interesting to compensate.

And no, making one of your characters Native American doesn’t compensate for a lack of personality.

Track of the Moon Beast is really the type of monster movie that monster movie lovers dread stumbling on.  So-so monster footage and just not enough of it.  The acting gives bad acting a bad name (I’ve seen Syfy flicks that fare better with acting than Moon Beast), and its dreary tone exasperates instead of unsettles.  Movies like this shouldn’t be a chore.  They should be breezy and fun.  Moon Beast is neither.

The Episode

Track of the Moon Beast has a something cult fanbase among the MST community.  I’m not one of them.  I find the riffing to be a tad dry for my tastes, with a couple of laugh out loud moments (I love the scene with the drunk being yelled at by his wife, causing Mike to quip “I miss my mom.”).  It doesn’t help that the film is a drab Z-grade cheapie that bores more than it elicits unintentional laughter.  Mike and the bots do seem to dig mocking the visual aesthetics of the movie, grilling the nuttier-than-usual-for-the-time-period wardrobe for just about all it’s worth.  The amateurish production values get a few fish-in-a-barrel quips as well.  They also get a few stabs at a talentless band playing a song called “California Lady,” which proves that One-Hit-Wonder-Wannabes don’t always have one hit in them.

That California Lady song leads us to the host segments, notably a Behind the Music style parody of “The Band that Played ‘California Lady,’” which mocks the unfortunately typical backstage drama that you hear about most bands.  Once again, it’s a bit too dry for me, though I appreciate the attempt at something witty.  Dryness extends to a segment where Crow, Servo, and Gypsy try a lame “Scare Tactics” style practical joke on Mike, only to have his lack of reaction make them break down and beg for forgiveness.  There’s a moderately amusing idea at the center, I just didn’t really laugh at it.  And then things just get downright weird when Crow and Servo send a spy camera into Mike’s bedroom so they can watch him disrobe.

Come to think of it, probably the only memorable moments of the episode were at the beginning where the bots use an onion blossomer on just about everything on the ship and Bobo is being controlled via remote control.  Neither of them are really hilarious ideas, but they’re so wacky that they hold more flavor than the rest of the episode.  It puts it a shade above moderate amusement, though the rest of the episode just proves to be background noise when I’m doing my laundry.  Maybe if I found the name “Johnny Longbone” funny I’d think differently, but meh.

Not Recommended

The DVD

Fans pay visit to the Band Who Played "California Lady" by picking up Shout Factory's Volume XXXVIII box set, with good audio and video for this episode.  The only bonus feature is an interview with lead actress Leigh Drake, called Tracking a Moon Beast.  Mrs. Drake tells us how she was cast, the haphazard filming, being led to believe the film wasn't going to be released, and being embarrassed at the final product.  She also admits her love for the Mystery Science Theater version and laments the fact that her late husband, a huge MSTie, passed away before it aired.