Multiplex Madness
Jurassic World: Rebirth
⭐️1/2
Genre: Adventure, Science Fiction
Director: Gareth Edwards
Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, Jonathan Bailey, Rupert Friend, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, Ed Skrein, Luna Blaise, David Iacono, Audrina Miranda
From my experience, I find that the best question to ask when presented with any piece of entertainment media is "What is the goal of this story?" Sometimes the answer is as simple as "We're going to contrive a reason to get people on an island so they can run from dinosaurs." Having a reason that meager isn't a bad thing, as simple stories bring simple joys, but when you can't decide what your contrived reason to have people run from dinosaurs actually is, being simple entertainment doesn't become simple anymore. Jurassic Park III, for example, is a simple movie that brings simple pleasures. It also has a simple story of "Go to island to rescue someone...uh oh, there are dinosaurs!" It's a messy movie, but one that focuses on its very small goal. To be honest, after how nonsensical the last Jurassic World movie was by overthinking its premise, something that simple would be welcome. Jurassic World: Rebirth, unfortunately, is not that. It's like taking the Jurassic Park III level of simple story and layering a weird pharmaceutical plot on top of it with an evil man who wants money, while also juggling the idea of genetic mutations without actually doing anything within its premise to support them. It's a messy movie with no focus, creating a bigger mess as it stumbles around. Ian Malcolm would be proud to know that, after all those "Chaos Theory" speeches he gave, the Jurassic Park/World movies eventually descended into being nothing but chaos.
The latest film in the nostalgic series stars Scarlet Johansson escorting a group of researchers to find three species of dinosaurs and extract samples of them to create a miracle cure for heart disease. It would be perfectly fine if that's all it was, but then it crashes into a secondary story about a family getting shipwrecked and trapped in the same area, which is fighting for attention. The film's weird plotting works against it as the main story and subplot clash tonally. It's like watching King Kong on TV and switching to random episodes of Land of the Lost during commercial break. And for the grand finale, you get bored with both and decide to watch the third act of Alien: Resurrection instead. The movie does introduce the concept of mutations in the opening, but they aren't really relevant to the actual story and only exist to serve as a finale complication, where a big bad "Distortus Rex" comes out of the woodwork to chase them down, looking and acting like the Rancor from Return of the Jedi. The movie doesn't treat the creature as anything major, nor really all that drastic a plot turn for the franchise, which has been toying with mutations for a while now. It's just present for the sake of being present, which accounts for a lot of what's going on in the film.
It's a shame that the movie just doesn't have its act together, because you can definitely see that if you gave Gareth Edwards a Jurassic Park movie and just let him cook, he might eventually deliver something special. From my understanding, Jurassic World: Rebirth was a case where he was handed a script and a release date and told "You've got a year." Edwards is a talented visualist, but he can only iron out so many kinks with his smooth filmmaking style if the foundation of his film is faulty. To be fair to him, when he's allowed to propell adventure, he does it masterfully, because action sequences are pretty exciting, with the highlight being a river raft scene with a T-Rex that was inspired directly from the original Michael Crichton novel. The best thing about Edwards' approach to these sequences is that he's really the first filmmaker in a good long while to show off the big beasts and portray them as animals, as opposed to Colin Trevarrow's alternation of depicting them as monsters or rock stars, depending on what reaction he wanted to manipulate out of the audience. The problem with what Edwards is doing is that his setpieces wind up being moderately exciting, but toothless, as the threat of big bad dinos giving out consequences for the main crew is largely treated as an afterthought. Several heavies playing hollow characters are not long for this world, but their deaths are both sudden and weightless. It might be momentarily noticed when there is a death, but quickly forgotten. And it's usually awkwardly placed, only given because people getting eaten is expected in this franchise. Jurassic Park III had this problem too, but its setpieces were more frequent and exhilarating.
So what was the goal of this story? To be frank, in putting this up against the other Jurassic movies, there doesn't really seem to be one. The honest to god truth is that this movie doesn't build on the previous films, as we were supposed to be in an "exciting new direction" for this franchise when they introduced dinosaurs onto the mainland, only for the sixth movie to go "It's fine, actually; here are some locusts" and this one to go "Nevermind, there's a third island now." The movie could have been an opportunity to open up its own new direction for the franchise, but it doesn't even seem to do that either, opting for that Jurassic Park III inconsequential, but hopefully entertaining, one-off approach. So I have to conclude that the goal of this story is to just put out a reliable franchise movie to make quick cash while figuring out what exactly the future of Jurassic Park/World might actually be. It's not the first time Jurassic Park/World has done this (there's a reason why I keep bringing up Jurassic Park III), and it might not be the last. I'd have hoped that in this simplistic ambition they'd at least create something more fun than this, because if they hammer us with movies this broken, it's only going to destroy our enthusiasm for the franchise in the first place.
Netflix & Chill
Dora and the Search for Sol Dorado
⭐️⭐️1/2
Streaming On: Paramount+
Genre: Comedy, Adventure
Director: Alberto Belli
Starring: Samantha Lorraine, Jacob Rodriguez, Daniella Pineda, Gabriel Iglesias, María Cecilia Botero, Mariana Garzón Toro, Acston Luca Porto
If you actually gave the movie the time of day, you'd probably know that one of the most surprising movies of the last decade was Dora and the Lost City of Gold, an adaptation of Dora the Explorer, a popular edutainment show for preschoolers, that reinvented it as Indiana Jones for kids who are on the cusp of turning tweens. It's a movie that should not have worked that was surprisingly heartfelt and endearing, while also working as something of a Brady Bunch Movie style parody of the franchise that spawned it. I wasn't under the impression that they were making a Dora sequel, mostly because Isabella Merced, who played the title character in the previous movie, is now all grown up and gone on to bigger things (including playing Hawkgirl in the new Superman movie next week). Then this movie popped up on Paramount+ rather unexpectedly. I wasn't sure what to make of a direct-to-streaming sequel, not even knowing if it was supposed to be a sequel or not. I like the last movie just enough to say "I'll give it ten minutes, and if it's a pain in the ass, I'll turn it off."
More of a soft reboot than a Lost City of Gold sequel, Dora and the Search for Sol Dorado sees the teenaged adventurer lose her prized map of the jungle, leaving her to have a crisis of purpose. She and her cousin Diego then find a magic bracelet that will lead to an Aztec protected fallen star called Sol Dorado, which will give the person who seeks it out a magic wish. The major hurdle I had to jump across with this movie lies with my desire that Search for Sol Dorado had more of Lost City of Gold's most charming aspects. Search for Sol Dorado keeps the cheek of Lost City of Gold but whittles it down to a basic quippy played-up camp adventure aimed at youngsters, who probably don't have the media literacy development to read between the lines of the last movie. Like Lost City of Gold, Sol Dorado still pokes fun at its namesake franchise while earnestly portraying it, but it does so in a broader, less intelligent way. Some of it is still pretty funny, but the movie plays best if you inhabit the mindset of an eight-year-old. Once I accepted that this was what the movie was going to be, I was more acceptable to what it had to offer. Search for Sol Dorado is simple and goofy, with ham fully embraced to entertain the wee ones. I suspect that it's a much cheaper and quicker production than the last Dora movie, coming up with a cost-effective method of delivering something in this franchise that tykes who grew up with Dora can still enjoy when they grow out of shouting newly-learned Spanish at the TV to "help Dora with her adventure." That being said, the production design still charms with its playful detail. The closest thing to a big star that the movie has (other than comedian Gabriel Iglesias, who voices Dora's monkey pal Boots) is established actress Daniella Pineda, who plays the antagonist role of Dora's former role model who has gone slightly bitchier over the years. Pineda plays the role exceptionally, almost as if she's what Dora would turn into as a jaded adult. This being a kids movie, the movie also gives her a redemption arc that allows her to reattain the joy of discovery through Dora herself.
If all of this sounds childish, that's because it is. The movie is for kids. And unlike most losers on the internet, I have better things to do with my time than to try and outsmart a movie made for children. As a kids movie, Dora and the Search for Sol Dorado is a snappy and playful ninety minutes. The worst that can be said of it is that is doesn't play its cards as well as the previous film and instead delivers a movie that is more in line with what you probably expected that movie to be in the first place. Plus, you get to see Dora get hit in the face with a churro, which is much funnier than it has any right to be. It's no "poo hole song," but it's unfair to ask it to equal cinematic perfection.
Heads of State
⭐️⭐️1/2
Streaming On: Prime
Genre: Comedy, Action
Director: Ilya Naishuller
Starring: Idris Elba, John Cena, Priyanka Chopra, Carla Gugino, Jack Quaid, Stephen Root, Paddy Considine
Contrary to what you might believe by reading the title, Heads of State isn't the Aliens-style sequel to the Chris Rock comedy where he becomes President of the United States. But it is another comedy centering on POTUS, though this time it's John Cena's turn to take office. Effectively serving as a parody of the Ronald Reagan era of politicians who were elected because they have Hollywood charisma, Cena hypothetically answers the question of "What if Arnold Schwarzenegger became President?" by playing an action star who was elected into the highest office in the land. He and Prime Minister of England, Idris Elba, survive an attack on Air Force One and venture back though parades of bad guys to a NATO summit and hold alliances intact. Common sense and gut reaction may go to war while watching Heads of State, because it's stupid as fuck and doesn't care whether people see it as so. The buddy action/comedy vibe suits leads Cena and Elba quite well, though. The comedy isn't always great, as there are run-on gags about "fish 'n' chips" and "sheep nipples" that the movie thinks are funnier than they actually are, but when the movie does successfully land a joke, it succeeds in getting a vocal laugh. People who appreciate more animated comedies that you're likely to see from Saturday Night Live alumni will get the most out of this movie, while action fans will get their kicks from some fun setpieces playing against choice needledrops. Heads of State is a movie that probably destined to have reactions fall both ways in the positive and negative camps, but a good time is to be had if it suits what you're seeking out of it.
Long Distance
⭐️⭐️
Streaming On: Hulu
Genre: Science Fiction
Director: Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Starring: Anthony Ramos, Naomi Scott, Zachary Quinto, Kristofer Hivju
While looking for streaming alternatives to beef up the column for this week, this movie that I never heard of was shadow-dropped on Hulu. Evidently, it was filmed a while ago under the title "Distant" and shelved. Now, it was dumped on streaming with a title change, and I'm looking at the cast going "Anthony Ramos? Naomi Scott? What the hell is this?" Maybe it was my desire to watch something that wasn't The Old Guard 2 talking, but I decided to throw it on and give it a shot. And no, I didn't watch The Old Guard 2. Not because it's bad, which I hear it is, but because the first one was boring and I didn't want to watch it. If I need to beef up next week's column, which might happen, then I'll groan and throw it on.
Anyway, I'm ignoring this movie that's already been ignored enough. To be frank, Long Distance isn't the worst thing I've ever seen, but I think I see why it was shelved.
The film centers on space miner Anthony Ramos getting shipwrecked on a planet after his mothership goes down during cryosleep. Low on oxygen, he is forced to choose between seeking safety in the main ship or setting out on a hostile world to rescue an injured survivor, played by former Power Ranger Naomi Scott. The film's premise is simple, but it lets the viewer down by only doing the bare minimum of what is asked of it, because the film has the plotting of a Disney Channel movie. Ramos is told of how dangerous the environment is but manages to trek it heroicly relatively quickly. In the meantime, Ramos and Scott communicate rather basely through their comm systems, which could provide intimate character development, but the film rarely takes advantage of it. Sadly, Scott's vocal performance betrays the urgency of the film, as she converses with Ramos like a telemarketer rather than a desperate person in a dire situation. Ramos stumbles around like a charming ninny who doesn't know what he's doing while searching for her, which is a little more engaging. Once the pair unite, Scott's injuries matter very little, and the duo run, dodge, and hide from alien spiders. There's also an alluded romance between the two, which is weird when you consider that they've only known each other for a few hours, but maybe forgivable when you account for the idea that, best case scenario, they're going to be stuck on this planet for a couple of years by their lonesome. It's kind of a "last man on Earth" scenario, so it's just a matter of time before they either get really drunk or really horny. Probably not this fast, though. There's not much to the movie, and one can easily see the methods that would have made the movie more interesting. It's okay enough for a low-demanding, eighty-minute evening watch, though seasoned sci-fi fans would know that episodes of Star Trek have used this exact same plot and done so with more intrigue.
Movies Still Playing At My Theater
28 Years Later... ⭐️⭐️
Ballerina ⭐️⭐️1/2
Elio ⭐️⭐️1/2
F1 ⭐️⭐️
The Life of Chuck ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Lilo & Stitch ⭐️⭐️
M3GAN 2.0 ⭐️⭐️
Materialists ⭐️⭐️⭐️
The Phoenician Scheme ⭐️⭐️1/2
Thunderbolts ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
New To Digital
Ballerina ⭐️⭐️1/2
Bring Her Back ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Jane Austen Wrecked My Life ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Thunderbolts ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
New To Physical
Death of a Unicorn ⭐️⭐️1/2
Warfare ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Coming Soon!
