MST3K, RiffTrax, and Beyond: Cinema Playground Journal 2024: Week 26 (My Cinema Playground)

Multiplex Madness

Daddio

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Genre: Drama

Director: Christy Hall

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Sean Penn

Dakota Johnson gets into Sean Penn's taxi for a long drive home, and the two use that time to discuss daddy issues and toxic relationships. It's a very straightforward duet drama, often coming off as written for the stage with hefty dialogue that always sounds delicately written. The movie is mostly a stream of consciousness load psychoanalysis babble. It can be a strength because Johnson and Penn commit, but it can also grow stale in that it can drive in circles with its tendency to overanalyze the obvious. Johnson keeps pace with making flirty eyes at the camera, and when she's not, she's making contemplative scowls at her phone, while Penn maintains gruff vulgarity. And I hope you like the word "panties," because this movie certainly loves it and is willing to call attention to it.

Horizon: An American Saga - Chapter I

⭐️1/2

Genre: Western

Director: Kevin Costner

Starring: Kevin Costner, Sienna Miller, Giovanni Ribisi, Jena Malone, Sam Worthington, Michael Rooker, Danny Huston, Abbey Lee

That feeling you get when you hear a Horizon movie franchise is coming out and you can't wait to see a redhead mow down robot dinosaurs with her bow and arrow and instead you get a Kevin Costner vanity project.

Costner apparently had the idea for this movie in the back of his head for a while. How thorough the idea has been is unclear to me, though it feels like he just looked at fantasy epics that filmed multi-movie sagas like Lord of the Rings and the juggling of various stories that inch their way forward in Game of Thrones and said "Imma do that but western." The western genre probably could produce a big sweeping, long, branching narrative epic, though it needs to come out the gate strong if it wants to do this. Horizon: An American Saga does not.

The series mostly centers on a western settlement in the 1860's called Horizon, and Chapter I sets into motion a few dozen narratives stemming around it. They have little to do with each other, and few of them gather any steam to feel like they're going anywhere in this first installment. This is problematic, because if your bait and hook for a four-part narrative is "Look at all these characters, we'll tell a story with them later" then you've lost the plot on grabbing your audience. Granted, Costner tries to wake up the audience early on by having the settlement come under seige by territorial Native Americans, which leads to a lengthy battle sequence that is just thrown at the viewer with little context. We don't know what the point is of any of this carnage is for about an hour, it's just a bunch of people being savaged in a lengthy setpiece, while Costner tries to convey the strong-willed victimhood of white men. We have to root for them because we have no idea what's going on and they're the ones wearing cowboy hats. After that, the movie mellows out, and just introduces characters for a straight two hours, few of which show any promise in being compelling protagonists promising character growth. The movie gets a bit of color in its most endearing character, a patron-hunting prostitute who actually injects some levity into the self-seriousness of her surroundings. The most entertaining scene in the movie is her hovering around Kevin Costner's character and giving him a five-minute sales pitch for her vagina. She's legitimately amusing and the movie doesn't use her enough, instead launching what I'm assuming is the main storyline (because it's the storyline with Costner as the lead), where she and Costner go on the run with a baby that a group of outlaws want. She is kind of just dragged around after that. Outside of Costner and his colorful hooker, the movie is loaded with character actors, a lot of which I enjoy. They don't do anything of substance, but I liked seeing friendly faces that I knew. I got to hear Michael Rooker try and do an Irish accent. I've never heard him do that before. It's really weird.

But what it boils down to is that Horizon is three hours long and barely any movie actually happens. I think Costner is so hellbent on wanting people to think of Horizon as being a twelve-hour movie that he's not paying attention to whether or not the individual films play as individual experiences. That was something Lord of the Rings was smart enough to do. Dune, as well. Hell, Rebel Moon and that awful Strangers movie from last month could do it. What's Horizon's excuse? I can't recommend Horizon because Chapter I is just an extended prologue that conveys very little and one could probably watch the next movie just fine without having seen it. It's the cinematic equivalent of "This could have been an email."

Janet Planet

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Genre: Drama

Director: Annie Baker

Starring: Julianne Nicholson, Zoe Ziegler, Elias Koteas, Will Patton, Sophie Okonedo

The film debut of playwright Annie Baker, Janet Planet follows a mother and daughter spending the summer together at home, as the audience observes several relationships and houseguests that come into their lives. It's hard to adequately relate a story because the movie almost keeps it to itself. Janet Planet is subdued to a point where it almost seems to be internalizing its story into subtext instead, while saying what probably should be subtext out loud. It has very niche appeal because of that, though it commits to its creative choices with full determination. The movie can almost be frustrating in its journey, because its progression can feel obtuse as the characters just sit and contemplate what their lives are, sometimes saying it out loud and sometimes internalizing it. Baker does a good job at conveying certain elements with as few words as possible, and when it ends, we do feel like we've reached a destination. Whether or not it's a viewer's particular cup of tea is a trickier question.

Kinds of Kindness

⭐️⭐️1/2

Genre: Anthology, Comedy

Director: Yorgos Lanthimos

Starring: Emma Stone, Jesse Plemons, Willem Dafoe, Margaret Qualley, Hong Chau, Joe Alwyn, Hunter Schafer

Thusfar, every time Yorgos Lanthimos pairs up with Emma Stone his movie becomes an Oscar darling. Why stop now? When you find your lucky charm, it's hard to let go. Their third project together is Lanthimos's stab at a bizarre anthology, telling three eccentric tales that are all performed by the same group of actors, headlined by Stone and Jesse Plemons. Kinds of Kindness is so abstract that conveying what it is about is difficult, to the point where the trailer is nothing but a montage list of actors and letting everyone know what director it is. That's just as well, because chances are that if you know who Lanthimos is then you know what to expect, and you probably already know whether the movie is worth watching or not. Very little of my opinion on this movie matters because of that. What I will say is that Lanthimos is most certainly a master at amusing himself, and I respect that. Kinds of Kindness presents three tales that I'm sure amuse Lanthimos quite thoroughly, though he's so invested in them that he can't tell when he's meandering or failing to convey a point. Those who want three straight hours of weird and silly will get just that. There's not much else to it, though.

A Quiet Place: Day One

⭐️⭐️

Genre: Thriller, Horror

Director: Michael Sarnoski

Starring: Lupita Nyong'o, Joseph Quinn, Alex Wolff, Djimon Hounsou

Let's make some noise...while you still can. This prequel to the thriller favorite A Quiet Place chronicles the early days of the hearing-sensitive creatures (despite the title of "Day One," it actually takes place over the course of a few days), as they descend on New York and just wreck house. If you're hoping for explanations of the creatures or a thorough examination of how they took over the world, you'll leave disappointed, because the real story of the film is Lupita Nyong'o traveling through the apocalypse to get pizza. If you think I'm joking or exaggerating, I assure you that this is the genuine story of the film. One might hope it might push itself for something more interesting, but the film is frustratingly unambitious, squandering any story and thematic potential a prequel could bring, rushing though these elements to just make "another one." Normality is kept to the first ten minutes. Learning curve of "Quiet Place rules" is skipped over while Nyong'o is unconscious for a spell, waking up in a franchise status quo where everyone already knows to shut the fuck up. There are more than a few possibilities for a Quiet Place prequel, and Day One chases none of them. Which begs the question of why is this the "how it all began" story if you're not going to tell that story?

I'm inclined to believe the primary purpose of the film was to shoot for 9/11 allegory, which is fair enough. Director Michael Sarnoski feels more invested in the movie when he's pushing crisis imagery on his audience. When it comes to getting personal, he shows disinterest. Nyong'o's story of just wanting a good slice of pie at the end of the world isn't engaging, even if Nyong'o is good in the role. It just serves as an excuse to get her to wander in the opposite direction of everyone else and stumble into noisy situations. She also does this while carrying an emotional support cat the entire time, which is a bizarre creative choice that never pays off. In fact, the cat's inclusion makes the film come off even worse, because the cat goes through a lot in this movie and doesn't react to anything. This cat is around crashing vehicles, rampaging monsters, and is even dunked into water at several points in the film, and it always looks like it's ready for a catnap. This is the chillest fucking cat I've ever seen, when most would be freaking the fuck out. Though, I guess I'm amazed at the crew found something to be in this movie that is more apathetic to what's going on than I am.

A Sacrifice

⭐️⭐️

Genre: Thriller

Director: Jordan Scott

Starring: Eric Bana, Sadie Sink, Sylvia Hoeks

Eric Bana plays a psychiatrist who's daughter is being groomed by a dangerous cult in this crime thriller with a terrible title. To be fair, A Sacrifice isn't terrible for those looking for the cinema equivalent of airplane novels. It has an okay premise, looks decent, and is short as fuck. I do wonder if any of this effort could have been put to better use creating something more compelling. It's casually paced yet not very thorough and feels like it's goal is to kill the audience's time rather than hook them and put them on the edge of their seat. A Sacrifice is like watching the production team of CSI try and recreate Silence of the Lambs from memory after seeing it once thirty years ago while on edibles and falling asleep halfway through.

Movies Still Playing At My Theater

Bad Boys: Ride or Die ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Bikeriders ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Exorcism ⭐️

The Fall Guy ⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Garfield Movie ⭐️⭐️1/2

IF ⭐️1/2

Inside Out 2 ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes ⭐️⭐️1/2

Thelma ⭐️⭐️⭐️

New To Streaming

The Boy and the Heron ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2