Hollywood After Dark (The Film Crew)

Film Year:  1968
Genre:  Drama
Director:  John Hayes
Starring:  Rue McClanahan and a bunch of other women you don't want to see strip

The Movie

Initially titled Walk the Angry Beach, Hollywood After Dark is the tale of a pre-Golden Girls Rue McClanahan who moves out to California to be an actress and gets sucked into the sleazy world of stripping instead.

Fueled by the mindset that anything involves sex is disgusting and all female body parts are evil entities of hellish desire, Hollywood After Dark finds itself being a bit hypocritical since it wants it's audience to look at the half-naked women and get mildly turned on by the sleazy voyeuristic presentation.  So I'm confused whether the film is pro or con on all of this.  Regardless, it's a lackluster drama with no real storyline to speak of.

I can't really say too much about Hollywood After Dark, because if I had anything to say about it then that would imply that it gave me any actual content to mull over.  It's softcore exploitation, with a bit of violence thrown out there in case any male gaze was wondering when lady parts aren't onscreen.  Nowadays I can easily access porn through the internet and violence by going to Wal-Mart on the weekend, so this movie offers me nothing.  Maybe it served a base purpose way back when, but now it's just trash and riffing fodder.

The Riff

I've always had a fondness for the Film Crew.  Their run was brief, but there was something very charming about this ill-fated riffing series.  What I particularly enjoyed was the working stiff approach, distancing from the sci-fi concept of Mystery Science Theater and the professional comedian personas of Rifftrax, and playing blue-collar characters just trying to make it through the day.  It's a premise we can relate to and I personally would have enjoyed seeing a bit more of it.

"Uh, did we order an ass?"
"Well I have a standing order, personally."

But moving on to the star of the show, the Crew is thrown into the shady world of nudity, rape, and violence that is Hollywood After Dark.  As riffing fodder, this movie has a lot going for it.  It's about nothing, has a lot of silent scenes filled with inane choreography to harp on, and gives us a bunch of unlikable characters to make fun of.  Rue McClanahan is zeroed in on especially, as they make no secret about how she's the last person they'd want to see nude.  They're aggressive on her, with lines such as "She's actually less sexy than when she was on The Golden Girls." and "Rue's McClana-CAN!"  But Rue's actually the least sleazy character in the movie, so as tough as they can be on her it's really because she's the only recognizable person here.  The dreary world this movie portrays needs to be lightened up, and the Film Crew does exactly that.

The host segments kind of ease us into the Film Crew "lore," so to speak.  The opening gives us some context about the guys working for a man named Bob Honcho who believes every film should have a commentary track, regardless of whether it's a knowledgeable one or not.  It also establishes one mid-film host segment called a "Lunch Break," which is pretty self-explanatory.  Today's Lunch Break has Bill trying to get an unenthusiastic Mike and Kevin to throw out ideas on how to improve their work performance.  The finale consists of Mike and Kevin wishing to reenact a scene from the movie on Bill where the villain's head is bashed by a lamp, but Bill (though surprisingly eager to go through with it) questions the validity of the scene.

Hollywood After Dark runs a bit more blue than most of Mystery Science Theater, and that might be due to the film's subject matter.  This release isn't for the kiddies, but riffing fans may like what they see.  This first direct to video offering is quite promising and quite funny.

Good

The DVD

Originally slated for release in 2005 by Rhino Home Video to help cater to demand for more MST product, The Film Crew actually ran into a snag when Jim Mallon considered the production of this direct to video series a competitor for MST's DVD sales and threatened to pull his license.  The Film Crew sat on a shelf, finished but unreleased, for a few years until Shout Factory purchased all four episodes in 2007, a point in time where Mike, Kevin, and Bill had already moved on to Rifftrax.

The presentation of Hollywood After Dark is a bit ugly.  The film itself looks okay, though the Film Crew segments are a bit hard on the eyes.  Filmed in widescreen but presented in non-animorphic standard video (probably to work better with the full screen movie), these segments are fuzzy and look washed out, as they cause a bit of eye strain.  It's almost a relief to get back to the movie.  The audio sounds soft as well, and contains a bit of a quickie dubbing job where the Film Crew's boss Bob Rhino is redubbed "Bob Honcho," to further eliminate the connection to Rhino.

The sole bonus feature is an extra host segment called "An Ode to Lunch."  This simply has Bill walking out and speaking a sonnet to his lunch.  It runs about a minute and a half and is decently funny.

A Visit to Santa (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2007
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

In Rifftrax's very first short, Santa Claus takes a pair of kids to his workshop suburban household at the North Pole.  He then tells them of all the wonder and excitement of Christmas around the world United States, and gives them a look but don't touch tour of his toys.  They also get an special ride in his sleigh rocketship, though the last time Santa gave children a "special ride" he wound up in a year long, scandalous trial.  But of course he's not guilty, because he's a celebrity!

HO HO HO!  MERRY CHRISTMAS!

This was Riffrax's Christmas special of 2007, of which shorts were not yet the norm for their site.  They had done the 25 minute special Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey the previous year, though it's technically a television special and not a short film.  Shorts were a very popular commodity during Mystery Science Theater, though they were mostly just used to fill time.  Here they're just for fun.  And fun they wound up being, for Rifftrax would eventually riff over three hundred shorts over the next decade.

A Visit for Santa is a cheap Christmas short that makes Santa Claus Conquers the Martians look like it was made for top dollar.  Obviously filmed in and around some dude's house and the local mall, this short is quite the oddity.  I'm not sure why it was filmed and how it was distributed, but it's strange and creepy.  The audio is inaudible and dubbed, almost Manos style, and the premise of Santa stealing children from their beds proves to be less whimsical than it is somewhat scary.

Though I like how they promote the capitalism aspect of Christmas throughout the short then tack on a line at the end about not forgetting that this holiday is devoted to the birth of Jesus Christ.  Kudos for remembering?

The riffing of this short is quite good.  The poor production values take a hard knocking from our riffers, who also love to point out the changes made to Santa lore due to budgetary constraints (that rocket that Santa flies is something else).  The highlight of the short is probably the elves though, which Mike, Kevin, and Bill zero in on with some all-in-good-fun gay subtext.  My personal favorite riff from the short comes from the elves in the parade:

"Good for the elves!  Not letting the protesters get them down!"

But for the most part the short is good but not great.  I felt the motorized dolls sequence could have inspired better riffs than what they give them.  Each one has an awkward movement that could have inspired a personality riff or two, while a kid's toy depicting a girl on hands and knees scrubbing the floor goes without notice.  The short also feels a tad wearisome even at 13 minutes.  It's technically short, but man is this a slog.  But this is a definite holiday season winner.

Thumbs Up

👍

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Cinematic Titanic)

Film Year:  1964
Genre:  Fantasy, Comedy
Director:  Nicholas Webster
Starring:  John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Breck, Bill McCutcheon, Vivtor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora
CT Number:  5

The Movie

Initially featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians finds its way back into the riffing world because it's too good of a bad movie to just be one and done.

This infamously cheap Christmas film tells the story of Martians realizing that their children live monotonous, dull lives.  Somewhat envious of the sense of wonder that the children of Earth have, Martians come to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus and make him deliver the Christmas spirit to the children of Mars.  However a joyless grump of a Martian named Voldar likes things just the way they are.

HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUS!

There's a lot of vile spewed toward this movie for being obnoxious and cheap, with a crappy story to back it up.  Let's face it, it's a fairly lousy movie and it's easy to dislike.

...but...

I don't know.  Maybe I'm just a softy at Christmas, and it's the feel-good optimism of the season that gets to me, but bad holiday movies don't seem to annoy me as much as other people.  I even have some deep down, probably misguided, enjoyment in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  It's a pretty bad movie, but it has something of a schmaltzy heart to it.  There's genuine effort to make an enjoyable movie for kids, even if the production values won't allow it.

Does it have aspects that grate me?  Absolutely.  Droppo is a bit much, and his shtick tends to run way too long and is never really that funny.  Voldar is a fairly weak villain, providing a bit of a forced conflict that I strain to become invested in.  I find myself gravitating more toward the emotional conflict of the Earth children who have been taken against their will, not really mistreated, but miss their families and their home.

These are mostly the tip of the iceberg on what's wrong with this movie, but I forgive it's sins.  This movie's dumb, but harmless.

The Riff

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians wasn't the first time something was re-riffed in this small, incestuous (given the fact most of the high profile projects were made by the same people) world of film riffing.  That honor goes to Gamera and the ensuing Sandy Frank catalog in season three of Mystery Science Theater.  However the art form had changed so much in the three years it was introduced that nobody really minded back then.  There was also What About Juvenile Delinquency?, a short that was on MST that Rifftrax redid, to a lackluster response.  Rifftrax had also begun reriffing films Mike Nelson provided audio commentaries for as "Three Riffer Editions" through their site.  So this idea of reriffing films was nothing new.

There was something about them redoing Santa Claus Conquers the Martians though that seemed bothersome to some fans.  The MST episode is considered a classic, and most of Cinematic Titanic's troupe had contributed to that particular riff (J. Elvis Weinstein and Mary Jo Pehl had nothing to do with it, granted), so there was a fear of nothing new really being brought to the table.  The one benifit was that with the passage of time new, more current references could be made to create a new experience.

CT's riff on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has a little fun pointing out the retreaded film in its intro, in which Trace runs in terror upon hearing the title of the movie, and Joel makes the claim that "Some of us have seen this movie before," to which J. Elvis responds "Not me!  HA-HA!"

If I were to give this version the edge in one area then I have to admit that the riffs on the film's comic relief character Droppo are a step up.  I got one of my biggest laughs from "Oh, so Chaplin had to leave the country but this guy's allowed to stay?"  And then there is an exchange from the characters in the film "Do you think this is some sort of joke?" "Ask Droppo!" to which Trace responds "So you know it's not a joke!"  And I'll just say right now my big guilty pleasure riff of this release is "Stop!  Droppo Time!"  There's some pretty good lines spread throughout this show, though I have to say laughter fell silent occasionally, and during those occasions the sense of familiarity to this movie gets to me.  I think that makes this installment a bigger drag than it needs to be, but maybe that's just me.

The look of the Titans' podium has changed with this show, mostly with Joel's area, which has changed a second time.  This time he's given a bar railing, similar to what J. Elvis and Trace stand against.  I preferred his previous stance, but this might have been due to comfort reasons.  We also see further changes as the "Stop the Movie" host segments are limited to one in this outing, which will be the status quo until the live show releases, which have none.  Perhaps this is for the best, because the Titans tend to struggle to find more than one skit to amuse per show, though I feel that if they think they can sustain more than one they should use as many as they want (though the Titans' run has ended, so this is a non-point).  The lone host segment is a slight goodie, as Joel hands out Christmas presents to the rest of the Titans, though they seem to be too good to be true.  I'm also quite fond of the intro, which features Christmas party talk and Trace's prior mentioned terror upon hearing the title.

Cinematic Titanic never reriffed another movie that MST did, though I don't think it was due to negative reception.  I think a few people didn't like it, though most I talk to seem to think quite fondly of this experiment.  I lean toward the "Meh, it's alright" opinion, myself.  I think in the legacy of Cinematic Titanic this one doesn't stand out by any means.  Unfortunately I can't get it out of the back of my head that it might have planted the seed in Rifftrax's head that we wanted a lot more of MSTed movies reriffed, as they seemed to have ran with the idea in recent years, up to and including their own riff on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  I don't mind them occasionally, but they aren't at the top of my "must see" list.

Average

The DVD

Cinematic Titanic released this show on DVD exclusively through their website.  The film was a bit pixelated, though picture and audio quality was mostly fine.  There were no bonus features.

After the Titans shut down and their DVDs went out of print, Shout Factory released a Complete Collection, of which Santa Claus Conquers the Martians seems to be the same transfer.  It shares a disc with the following show, Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks.

One Turkey, Two Turkey (Rifftrax Shorts)

Rifftrax Year:  2011
Riffers:  Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett

One Turkey, Two Turkey is a five-and-a-half minute short designed to teach children how to count to ten using a fun barnyard setting.  We watch a flock of turkeys gobbling and running around while a gentle folk singer relays simple and safe lyrics, every once in a while counting up to ten turkeys forwards and backwards.

There isn't a lot of meat on the bones of this short, which is either something played in kindergarten classrooms or perhaps maybe on shows like Sesame Street.  I can't say I enjoyed it, but the repetitive song will undoubtedly have implanted the simple counting technique into children's heads.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill look at this film like a successor to The Chicken of Tomorrow, and pretty much riff it exactly the same way.  They like to give the turkeys voices and mock the narrating song, but for the most part they just try to give humorous context to all of these disjointed images of turkeys, such as a giant flock suddenly running away from the camera causing Bill to quip "KEVIN SMITH JUST PUT IN HIS HOLIDAY ORDER!"

At the same time, this feels like a mild missed opportunity.  A lot of the riffs feels the same and the short doesn't really give them enough time or material to change anything up.  There are a few openings that aren't taken advantage of, such as turkey's vanishing while counting backwards would have made a great set-up for a quip about ten turkey dinners that were just set up, but they let it pass by with mostly silence.  And the brief short doesn't always feel like it's worth the full dollar you pay for it.

I have to balance the good and the bad with this one, and I find out they mostly come up even.  It's an enjoyable short for the most part, but there are better shorts to watch first.

Thumbs Down

👎

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Volume 7 DVD Retrospective

Release Date:  April 9th, 2005
Re-Release Date:  February 13th, 2018

Buy Rhino Set Here!
Pre-Order Shout Factory Set Here!

Features the following episodes;
Hercules Unchained
Hercules Against the Moon Men
Prince of Space
The Killer Shrews

Also featuring:
Assignment:  Venezuela
20th Century Calling...
A Case of Spring Fever

This collection of Mystery Science Theater episodes is one that's dear to me due to containing my favorite episode of the series (Prince of Space).  Unfortunately it's let down by also holding one of my least favorites as well (Killer Shrews).  But two solid Hercules adventures help skew this set more toward the positive for me.  Fans of season four in particular will want to pick this one up, since it contains three episodes from that season,

Average Rating (scale of 1 to 4):  2.75

Rhino's presentation of these four episodes is pretty solid overall.  I think Hercules Unchained is a bit fuzzy, but there's very little to complain about here.  Initial Rhino copies of this set were missing the opening narration of Killer Shrews, though this blunder was soon fixed.  I got my copy later than first release, so my disc has always had the narration.

The only bonus features are bonus shorts, highlighting a pair from the Sci-Fi era (20th Century Calling... and A Case of Spring Fever) as well as the unreleased short Assignment:  Venezuela, which is something the most die hard MSTies will be aching to see.

The box art theme plays with television as a theme.  The outside cover has MST playing on an older television set with a male hand pointing a remote toward it.  On the inside we find a larger, more expensive set with a female hand using the remote to crank the volume to "7" (get it?).  Opening further interior art sees MST being reflected in an astronaut's helmet as an alien hand points (presumably) an alien remote at it and another side has it playing on a computer while someone's hand clicks a mouse.  Behind each disc we have a look from what looks to be behind each TV set, seeing the top heads of those who are holding the remotes peeking over the set,  Disc art features just a starry backdrop, the MST logo, and the various hands holding remotes (male for Hercules Unchained, female for Hercules Against the Moon Men, alien for Prince of Space, and mouse for Killer Shrews).

Menus are fair.  Hercules Unchained has images of the film reflected in stone steps.  Moon Men has Hercules (Maceste) standing against a rocky landscape withe a moon man peaking over the horizon.  Prince of Space features a rotating Krankor laser while Servo flies around in Prince of Space's ship.  Transparent images of Phantom of Krankor and Prince of Space are also present.  Killer Shrews has a titular shrew taking a bite out of a film strip, which features shots of the movie and episode.  This menu feature the Killer Shrews song featured in the episode.

Shout Factory's re-release has been announced for February.  Details are scarce, but like most re-released volumes I anticipate that it will be in a normal DVD case and feature stock art and menus.  The bonus shorts have been confirmed for the set, however I know August Ragone has expressed an interest in continuing to provide intros for episodes based around Japanese films.  Whether or not he has recorded one is unknown.

In my opinion this set is worth owning for Prince of Space alone, which is just a laugh-myself-silly episode of the series.  Hercules fans should also jump at the chance to own two episodes in one swoop.  I know Killer Shrews has fans, though I'm not one of them, so don't let my bad review of the episode keep you from giving it a shot.  Definitely pick this one up.

Assignment: Venezuela (MST3K Special)

Back around season six of Mystery Science Theater's initial run, a CD-ROM game was in production based upon the show, but was eventually scrapped because life is a cruel mistress that wallows in our misery.  While details on the CD-ROM are scarce, one thing we do know about it was that it was to feature two exclusive riffed shorts.  The first was called What's It To You?, which is short selling us on the wonders of Mylar.  Unfortunately while this short was riffed, it is lost to the ages.  Maybe some day Rifftrax will re-riff it for our enjoyment, but until then the unriffed version can be found here:

Luckily for us MSTies the second short is preserved for prosperity, and that short is Assignment:  Venezuela.  This short is a progressive industrial short from the mid-1950's that lets us know that there are some new opportunities for American jobs way down in Venezuela.  After all, South America is an America too and we must assimilate it as fast as possible.

Our tale sees a good old fashioned American Joe being relocated to Venezuela all the while being separated from his family.  While there he takes in the sites, picks up the language, and learns the history, which he relays in his letters to his family.

I'm not big on industrial shorts like this, which are dry and full of dead air as we look on into endless landscapes.  Learning about different cultures has to be more entertaining than a monotone narrator droning on about how interesting things are.  But for the type of audience Assignment:  Venezuela is made for, it's par for the course.  No better, no worse.

It's hard to judge the riffed short without bias however, because its existence snuck up on MSTies after the show was initially cancelled.  For a while it might have been the last glimpse we had at the show (and one that had Trace Beaulieu in the theater, even).  Now it's not the case, but it's still a special piece of classic MST that is somewhat treasured.

That said, I've never been convinced that shorts like this, which are borderline travelogue, are right for the series.  Overall it's a series of images that almost feel exactly the same and the riffing as a result feels a little rudimentary.  That said, the short does have some howlers, as the family's mother explains to her boys where Venezuela is, and the riffers have her accusing him of being a cheating bastard down there the entire time.  One of my favorite moments comes halfway through when they take a dark turn by implying he has been taken captive by a drug cartel by accident!  The climactic few minutes of the short are pretty funny overall too, saving this one from mediocrity.

This short was made public at ConventioCon ExpoFest-A-Rama 2:  Electric Boogaloo, and has since leaked online in various outlets, including the YouTube video below.  But for those who wish to see it in a more official fashion they need to seek out Rhino's MST3K Volume 7 set, which is currently out of print but set to be re-released by Shout Factory in a few months.  The short is featured on the Killer Shrews disc, along with bonus shorts Century 21 Calling... and A Case of Spring Fever.

And yes, every version of this short has a time code.  Just ignore it.

Thumbs Up

👍

408-Hercules Unchained

Film Year:  1959
Genre:  Adventure, Fantasy
Director:  Pietro Francisci
Starring:  Steve Reeves, Sylva Koscina, Primo Carnera, Sylvia Lopez
MST Season:  4

The Movie

Fresh off of his previous victory of a movie we won't see until next season, the great Greek hero Hercules has ridden off into the sunset with his bride Iole, while Ulysses follows them around for some reason, presumably to watch Herc and Iole do the nasty due to his voyeur fetish.  But Hercules is sucked into a sibling rivalry as two brothers go to war over a kingdom.  But even further digression is needed for the plot it seems for before Hercules can continue his adventure he happens to drink from the fountain of forgetfulness, become amnesiac, and be taken as the spouse of an underground queen and her harem of nymphs.

Hercules Unchained is the first Hercules film featured on Mystery Science Theater, and the second (and last) film made by Steve Reeves as the title character.  I don't think I'll hear much argument if I state that Reeve's films were probably the best this particular film series offered the show.  It can probably be argued they're probably among the better Hercules films ever made overall as well (bear in mind that I haven't even seen half of these Italian films, but what I have seen it's not even a contest).

This particular Hercules adventure is a step down from Reeves' first.  There's still some fun action and Herc muscle power on display, but the story is just painfully padded.  While it does root in actual Heracles/Hercules myth, the story of Hercules lounging about and being pampered for a good chunk of the run time just doesn't hold water with me.  The movie ultimately doesn't feel like it has any momentum.

Still, I do love me some Hercules, and Hercules Unchained offers just enough well-produced demigod mayhem to those who love these Italian sword and sandal movies.  Just be prepared to be "so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open" during the middle act.

The Episode

Today we welcome one of our MST All-Stars to the party, the one and only Hercules.  Hercules is tied with Gamera as being the movie series with the most films featured on the series (though Gamera has the edge in that one Hercules movie is actually a Maceste movie in disguise).  Hercules would return in Hercules Against the Moon Men, Hercules and the Captive Women, Hercules, and The Loves of Hercules.

For the most part I enjoy this movie, which certainly helps me get through the episode.  That said, the riffing is pretty good, offering a steady parade of chuckles during the film's run time.  This is pretty helpful during the sagging middle portion of the film, where Hercules doesn't do much of anything.  There's plenty of great gags here, including a favorite line of mine where Hercules is unconvinced that he is a great hero causing Crow to make him shrug "I guess I'll have to stay here with all the nymphs."

The host segments are fun, as they mostly stay related to the film.  Mike Nelson has a decent cameo as Steve Reeves, the SOL crew drink from the Waters of Forgetfulness and try to patent other specific items of the sort, and Gypsy tries to play the harp...and fails.  The Invention Exchange has it's moments with the Steve-O-Meter being the highlight of the two inventions.

Ultimately this is an enjoyable episode for me, though if one doesn't have a fondness for these Italian sword and sandal flicks then caution yourself, since mileage may vary.  But if you enjoy them then this is one of the better episodes that features one.

Good

The DVD

Hercules Unchained hit DVD on Rhino's Volume 7 set.  Video was a tad soft and fuzzy, while audio was swell.  There were no bonus features.

Volume 7 is set to be re-released by Shout Factory in February.