Welcome to my blog dedicated to movie riffing! Here we will journey through the many episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the files of RiffTrax, the DVDs of Cinematic Titanic, and hopefully many others.
Join me, won't you?
One of the highlights of the 2021 Kickstarter campaign was getting to party hard with our beloved castmembers, and nothing exemplified that more than their Jackbox Showdowns, where the group sits down and plays Jackbox party games for our amusement. These really sat us down and let us jam with each individual castmember as they threw out improv comedy beats for the world to see in enclosed, group party settings. Obviously, these events needed to come back on the Gizmoplex, and of course they did. It was so demanded that they did it twice. Rather than doing separate entries for each game, I decided to group them up into a single entry. It's hard enough to summarize what is essentially a video game once, let alone twice. So, unceremoniously crammed into one entry it is!
The first event is titled "Crow vs. Servo," which pits Hampton Yaunt, Kelsey Ann Brady, and special guest Bill Corbett against Baron Vaughn, Conor McGiffin, and Tim "Technically was a Servo but only on tour" Ryder. This event was originally supposed to conclude the Tribute to Gamera vs. Guiron livestream but I believe it was postponed because they thought it it would run too long, choosing instead to stream it as it's own separate thing. This was probably a good call, because it winds up running near two hours long. That alone makes the event worth its own weight in gold because it's rowdy from start to finish. These bot performers are all ramunctious and full of zingers, and they are ready for these games to begin!
Four games are played in total. Like the YouTube streams, we always start with a round of Quiplash, which the boys at Jackbox actually put up a very special round of to offer these participants, as all the questions are monster themed! The obvious win of the night being the answer to what business actually thrives from a kaiju attack, which is, very astutely observed, Mystery Science Theater 3000. I did quite enjoy that someone wrote that the worst possible location to hear "Watch out for snakes" is "On a plane," bringing to mind a forgotten cult film of yesteryear. Tim probably gets the fail of the night when he overexplains "The Giant Walmart Invasion" for his monster movie title, which loses pretty decisively, causing Hampton to quip "Vote for Tim's tragedy NOW!"
Also, shoutout to the Thriplash round, which dubs King Ghidorah's heads as Moe, Larry, and Failure.
Probably my most endeared game is Tee K.O., where the crew design t-shirts with self-made images. It takes forever to set up, but once it gets rolling the laughs never stop. The only problem with the game is that recency bias usually gets the better of it, as the newer shirt usually wins. But the shirts are always a scream of randomness, with captions ranging from "MY SKIN HURTS" to "LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, GET OFF." They're all winners, in my book. And for a limited time, these designs were available for purchase with proceeds going to both the Gizmoplex and the World Wildlife Fund. This was also true of the custom shirts that all the participants are wearing themselves, and I personally bought one of those fun Crow vs. Servo tees and wore it to MST3Kon several years later!
Concluding the main game is Talking Points, where each participant improvises a Ted Talk about a subject picked out by another player. My favorite of the night goes to Tim, who does his little speech in a Southern Gentleman accent that he dubs Cornelius T. Racism. His delivery sends Kelsey into a mad fit of laughter that she barely survives. Of course, I was also having fun with Conor's speech about Mothra, which he insisted that she was "down to clown."
Results are tallied while the players play a game we haven't seen before called Champ'd Up, where the players make little drawing and make them Mortal Kombat each other. I really liked "Soup or Man," but alas, he died early on. But the winner is announced and the Servos murder the Crows, taking the win for the beloved gumball bot! Tim celebrates by paraphrasing a beloved Servo line: "We're the wind, baby." Kelsey steals his thunder by taking it a step further and just blurting out "I hate Tom's new voice," which is an intense deep cut that I think we all appreciate.
The second Jackbox event actually kicked off the holiday week on the Gizmoplex, which would lead into Tribute events for all of the holiday episodes and eventually into the series finale, The Christmas Dragon! The theme of the night: Hosts vs. Mads! Joel Hodgson, Jonah Ray, and Emily Marsh square off against Felicia Day, Patton Oswalt, and Mary Jo Pehl. Also, Rebecca Hanson is here, but while she participates, she doesn't seem to have a camp. M.C. Matt McGinnis points out that she has played both a bot and a Mad, so she could be either team. My counterargument is that this event is supposed to be Hosts vs. Mads and Rebecca was never a host, so she should be firmly on the Mads team.
This event is less of a noisy good time than the Crow vs. Servo one, but laughs are had. Like before, Quiplash opens yet again. I laughed the loudest during both of these events when the question is presented as to what moral is learned in a Hallmark holiday romance between a Christian man and a Jewish woman and the answers are "Mutual, Passive Spite" and "You Shouldn't Put A Dreidle There." My choice for new holiday classic title is obviously Santa Claus Conquers the Kardashians. Biggest raised eyebrow of the evening goes to Felicia's reason for Santa being unable to afford rent in Christmas That Almost Wasn't being "A prolapsed butthole."
Next we get a great round of Tee K.O., but nobody seems to understand how the points work for the whole thing, but they all accept the way it works because they get to profit off of other people's work. Just like businesses in real life. Biggest laugh of the night goes to "HAVE A CHRISTMAS, MARY" with a picture of what looks like a reindeer eating...something unspeakable, which has Matt laughing so hard that he leaves the screen for a bit. I personally like the "I DO WHAT I WANT" shirt, which looks like a bunny holding a bong (and Mary Jo concurs with me). Emily drew that picture, explaining that she was trying to draw the Coca-Cola polar bear and it just didn't look like it.
Talking Points is the weakest segment of the stream because everyone is rushing through it. Mary Jo doesn't seem to have much of an idea of how it works and she just kinda bluffs her way through her round. It's actually surprising how funny her speech winds up being even though she mostly ignores most of the images on screen and accidentally ends early. She scores pretty high, and I think we were all charmed by her attempt at a game that she doesn't normally play. On the other end of the spectrum, Jonah clearly does his with the most confidence and easily wins the round. Personally, I liked Joel's presentation where he pitches a movie about stews. I don't know why, I just thought the whole thing was pretty funny.
The winners of the night are the Hosts! Patton refuses to concede and asks his followers to storm the Gizmoplex, ending the night with the most political joke since "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" (which happened earlier in the night, thanks to Jonah). And with that this showdown ends after an hour-and-a-half, likely because the Crow vs. Servo participants played an extra game. But I treasure these little nights of us, the cast, and some laughs. The Jackbox Showdowns gave us the feel of what it was like to be on set with these clowns and bounce jokes off of each other. They're so fun and do wonders to convice the audience that the show is clearly in the right hands.
Starring: Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Lupita Nyong'o, Samantha Morton, Zendaya, Charlize Theron, Jon Bernthal, John Leguizamo, Himesh Patel, Elliot Page, Mia Goth
Last year, we got a film adaptation of one of my favorite stories from one of the most talented auteurs in the business right now, as Guillermo del Toro offered up his take on Frankenstein. This year, another one of my favorite stories was adapted by another auteur I respect, as Christopher Nolan brings The Odyssey to the big screen. Unlike Frankenstein, adaptations haven't been particularly kind to The Odyssey. There is an an Italian film from the 50's starring Kirk Douglas, a 90's TV miniseries, and a stripped down Ralph Fiennes movie from a few years ago, and none are particularly notable. Outside of that, the best you're going to do is the Coen Brothers reimagining O Brother, Where Art Thou? Finally, a big lavish Hollywood version of the epic poem by Homer Simpson has arrived. Is it all it can be?
It's pretty okay. Good, even. Fine, it rattled my bones and it's pretty fucking great. There. Is that what you want to read?
Based heavily in Greek history and mythology, The Odyssey sees Matt Damon taking the role of Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, who must journey back home after winning the Trojan War. Of course, like most things in ancient Greece, that's easier said than done. The journey takes years, as Odysseus and his men encounter obstacles creatures and mythical beings, which make the journey near impossible. The movie is primarily told in the framework of Odysseus trapped on the island of Calypso, as he regains his memory through flashback. Meanwhile, his wife Penelope maintains hope that he will return while their land is overrun by uncouth suitors who seek the throne. Nolan's love for nonlinear storytelling works pretty well here because a lot of this would be crammed in at the end of the film, otherwise. Knowing that there is more at stake than just Odysseus returning to his loved ones keeps his journey urgent throughout the movie, even though a lot of the events take place a decade prior to this.
Nolan's usual grounded stylization concerned me a little bit in this adaptation. Sometimes when Nolan mixes this with a fantastical element, it comes off uneven and I find myself in a lukewarm state. I think this really hurts The Prestige (though, I admit I'm alone in that opinion), makes Tenet more convoluted than it needs to be, and it holds me back from genuinely loving Inception as much as everyone else. With The Odyssey, Nolan tries to bend the fantastical to his stylization, trying to make the world of gods and monsters look feasible, and I think it's one of his more successful efforts. The creature design fits the grim and dangerous world he has crafted, and he also looks for unique takes on magic that are always interesting. Circe's island was a highlight for me, because he used elements of body horror that I've never seen him try, and I thought it was uniquely disturbing.
One thing I was less won over by is that the movie sometimes makes scenarios where Odysseus traditionally won by using his wits and allowed him to brute force his way through them. It felt to me like Nolan was trying to avoid whimsy, but it also occurred to me that by doing this, he was dumbing the character down and making him more action-focused. I had some back-and-forth over how much this bothered me, but I think the film comes together quite nicely in spite of it, so I'm willing to ignore it. The fact of the matter is the journey is long and hard, as it's supposed to be, and once we reach the conclusion, it settles in that we've fully earned the moment of reunion that we've been building toward. This might be Nolan's best movie. I'm not sure, but it's one that hit me harder than others. And it's an excellent version of a story that I am very fond of, which wins it some points in my heart.
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Black Box
⭐️1/2
Streaming On: VOD
Genre: Horror, Science Fiction
Director: Stephen Quale
Starring: Tom Brittney, Holly White, Boadicea Ricketts, Betsy-Blue English, Georgi S. Georgiev, Georgina Leonidas, Vaughn Johseph, Weronika Rosati, Cel Spellman
So, I guess The Odyssey is kinda the Grand Theft Auto VI of cinema and Nolan bullied all other movies out of competition this week, so I was left with limited options for expansion. I almost saw a movie called Honeyjoon at my arthouse, but I overslept and missed the showtime. Other than that, this movie hit VOD this week. Sure. Why not?
Black Box is very B-movie. It has a very thin script, looks like it was filmed quickly on a tight budget, and has mostly no-name actors who stiffly deliver expository dialogue and meaningless padding. I think the intent is to be an homage to 1950's paranoia sci-fi and a mish-mash of Twilight Zone elements, but it's so haphazardly thrown together that it feels like Roger Corman filling in for Rod Serling. The story, as it is, mostly takes place on an airplane, where passengers experience strange symptoms and weird phenomena happens surrounding their craft. People start getting panicky, until they find that whatever is on the outside is trying to take them. It's hard to explain what's going on in the movie and what does and doesn't work without getting into the nitty-gritty of the spoilers, but it's one of those movies that feels like it was written around an ending. And it's a pretty solid ending, if derivative of other works. The problem is that the destination doesn't make up for a script that doesn't feel interested in how we get there. Every character is a base personality that exists only to be cannon fodder, while the more fleshed out characters have defined traits that are practically meaningless to the story its telling, so who they are largely doesn't matter. The movie is a cheap, eighty minute throwback. If one had adequately low expectations, it might make for a quick free stream on Tubi. It's hard to justify the money I paid to rent it, though.
I hope you've said your prayers. Actually, it probably doesn't matter. Evil Dead is back to swallow your soul whether you've done that or not. The series continues to try and franchise itself out beyond the legendary Sam Raimi trilogy that brought horror fans so much joy many years ago. The general consensus is that us DeadHeads (suck it, Grateful Dead fans, it's our term now) are open to this. We were slow to accept a remake in 2013, but we've come around on it. Then Evil Dead Rise came to awaken a desire for more mayhem with the franchise name, even without Raimi at the helm or Bruce Campbell as the face. To further show off what the modern version of the Evil Dead franchise can be is Evil Dead Burn, which continues on from the previous film, where Jessica, the Deadite of the lake from Rise (sadly, she has been recast), tears a few fishermen apart before stepping out in front of a moving car. The driver is burned alive in the ensuing crash and we time jump to his funeral, where his traumatized wife is staying with his family, who blame her for their son's death. Of course, the Deadites jump from the corpse to the people in mourning. If you've seen an Evil Dead movie, you know what happens next.
The movie starts in slow burn (mind the pun) because it's setting up a lot with these characters. This is probably the most thorough pre-Deadite character exploration we've ever had in any of these movies. The movie starts to feel its runtime as it pauses and waits for the Evil Dead to actually do Evil Dead things and hits us with some heavy melodrama in the meantime. The movie is a 110 minutes, which is considerably longer than the eighty-to-ninety-minute norm for these movies and I'm pretty sure it's because of this opening. But once the movie gets going, there is no stopping it. The movie spirals into the most mean and angry carnage of the entire series. Evil Dead Burn builds its chaos like a pile of Legos, constantly stacking them until the tower collapses. The movie is also funnier than the last two, trying to work back into some sillier moments that the original trilogy was known for. This almost becomes a problem, because the film's melodramatic opening and the heavy themes of abuse and trauma that come with it gets into a head-on collision with the movie's harsh violence and it's desire for lighthearted moments in the middle of it. Tonally, this movie is a mess. Whether or not you're willing to live with that depends on whether you're also into the fact that it's grabbing its audience by the genitals and twisting them while it's doing all of this. We come to Evil Dead for chaos, and Evil Dead Burn has the goods.
I liked the movie despite it being uneven like this. I may have liked it more than the last two. I might have to watch it again before I make a decision about that. I like how unrelentingly hard the 2013 film went and I got a kick out of Rise, likely because Alyssa Sutherland played the best Deadite of the entire series, though it was a bit too glossy and leaned heavy into weak fan-service at times. What is attracting me to Burn is that it's more playful and expansive. It takes the lore of the Evil Dead franchise and tries to do more with it, setting out a course for what the Evil Dead franchise can be. It also takes steps to try and unite previously established franchise lore by continuing off where the previous film ended and utilizing the previously established Kandarian Dagger as a McGuffin, giving the Deadites an actual goal outside of leaving people's insides on the floor. The movie also briefly shows a Necronomicon for a split second, looking a lot like the one from the 2013 remake, alluding that maybe that film is also canon. Also, that post-credit scene made me nerd out more than I want to admit, as I demand to know if this is going to come back or if the movie is just blowing smoke up my skirt. This movie took me for a ride then made me curious about what type of ride it's going to put me on next. That makes me pretty excited, if I'm being honest.
Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Genre: Comedy
Director: David Wain
Starring: Zoey Deutch, John Slattery, Ken Marino, Miles Gutierrez-Riley, Ben Wang, Sabrina Impacciatore, Jon Hamm, Jennifer Aniston
I have to admit when I'm wrong about a movie. I saw that there was a sex comedy starring Zoey Deutch on the slate this week and I just resigned myself, accepting that I'm going to watch it even though I really didn't want to. I think I assumed it was another one of Deutch's attempts to bring the raunchy romcom back, and my only thought was "I already sat through The Threesome, and I'm not in the mood to do it again." Color me pleasantly surprised because this movie was not what I was expecting at all. Movies like Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass are why it pays off to go into movies blind sometimes.
The premise of the movie is simple, playing on that in-joke of a "free pass" in marriages where you're allowed to have sex with one specific celebrity if the opportunity arises. It's more of a hypothetical mind game to find out who turns your partner on and nobody ever thinks it will actually happen. That is, until it does. I'm just saying, any potential significant other and I need to have an understanding that during the inevitable event that I'm being straddled by Kate Beckinsale, I am not responsible for my actions. But in the case of this movie, Deutch plays the title role of Gail Daughtry, who finds that her fiancée had an opportunity to have sex with his "pass," Jennifer Aniston, and the news hits her like a ton of bricks. Now questioning her relationship, Gail believes the only way to repair her faith in it is to journey to Los Angeles and have sex with her "pass," Jon Hamm.
It's an amusing concept, but what really sells it is the whimsy that it chooses to flavor it with. This movie is addictively peppy with its innuendo. It's like a Disney Channel movie taking place in the world of Married...with Children. Gail skips around on what feels like a magical journey into La La Land, where she meets quirky characters who all earnestly vow to help her get laid. It's a crazy experience, but something about this movie was really hitting a nostalgic chord that I was having trouble pinning. Then during the climax it suddenly hit me that the movie was a retelling of The Wizard of Oz as a sex comedy. Gail is Dorothy (and Dorothy's last name was "Gale," just as an FYI), Miles Gutierrez-Riley is Toto, Jon Hamm is the Wizard, Los Angeles is Oz, Sabrina Impacciatore is the Wicked Witch, and John Slattery, Ken Morino, and Ben Wang are the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man, in no particular order. It's just that in order to get back to Kansas, Dorothy really needs to sit on the Wizard's face. Suddenly, the movie's presentation as a children's fantasy took on a different definition and I started replaying the entire movie in my head trying to catch the hints, which also explained the quirk of the movie switching aspect ratios after reaching L.A., which I'm assuming is a reference to how Wizard of Oz starts in black and white and switches to Technicolor once it reaches its magical land. What a trip. I might have to watch this movie again and pay closer attention to its structure.
Zoey Deutch is really good in this. I've seen her in stuff but I've never really paid much attention to her. This is the first time I've seen her in a movie and thought "Wow, she is really crushing it." She has a perfect look of childlike wonder in this movie, and her delivery of dirty dialogue with a chipper tone and a winning smile makes the movie feel so warm and lovable. She also works pretty well with a sorta Dumb & Dumber style caper subplot that she is completely oblivious to. But if there is one thing I feel like would have enriched this movie, it would have been a stronger theme of her coming to terms with her boyfriend's actions in her mindset. We understand that he's her motivation, but the movie misses some beats in how this adventure is therapeutic for her. By the time we get to the end, we discover maybe he was just always an asshole. It would have been a better reveal if Gail had been realizing this throughout the movie. It might have made a stronger character journey than just sex. But the movie is a lot of fun and I'm really glad I sat down and watched it. I also can't wait to watch it again. This might be a go-to comfort movie in my future.
The Invite
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Genre: Comedy
Director: Olivia Wilde
Starring: Seth Rogen, Olivia Wilde, Penélope Cruz, Edward Norton
Consensual yet awkward extramarital affairs continue with this movie based on a Spanish production called Sentimental (the internet is telling me it's also called The People Upstairs, and I don't know which title supersedes the other, so I'll just use the one this remake credits). Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde (who also directs) play a middle-aged married couple with relationship issues who invite the couple upstairs, Penélope Cruz and Edward Norton, to dinner in their apartment. As the tension between Rogen and Wilde begin to ruin the evening, the night takes a curious turn when it turns out that Cruz and Norton are polyamorous and they invite Rogen and Wilde to have group sex with them.
Thematically, the movie is a commentary on how a long-term monogamous relationship can feel sexually suffocating, as a marriage usually goes downhill when the sex stops being satisfying. We sit down with a couple who are long past having intimacy issues and are a trainwreck, compared to a couple that seems to be more put together, potentially because they've taken a more creative path. It's a story of contrasting the suppressed and the expressive, though it explores the issues and complexities of both and the strains they have. What's interesting is that Rogen and Wilde are both so deep in a rough patch that the idea of consensually having new partners, even if just for a night, intrigues them and sparks their curiosity, instead of an insistence that there is nothing wrong and their monogamy is healthy. It's fun to study their nervous excitement as soon as details reach the surface.
In vibes, The Invite is a blast. The movie is very Blake Edwards coded. It hits like those types of comedies from the 1960's that take place in a single room and garner laughter from quirky and awkward interaction. And it's a very thundering example of one, because it keeps stampeding with its verbal momentum. The tone and performances are off-beat and constantly funny, making its snowball effect of status quo shake-up energetic and exciting. The performers are all great, and Wilde knows exactly how to play them to their strengths. This is probably the best use of Seth Rogen I've ever seen, because he usually defaults into basic stoner roles and voicing cartoon pigs, and this movie shows a heavier dramatic flavor to his familiar screen persona that maintains just how funny he can be. Cruz is sultry and always in command of every room she is in and Norton projects smoothness every opportunity he gets. Wilde's own performance isn't ignored, taking her traditionally gorgeous self and making her look frumpy with a lot of unvoiced frustrations pushing her to a breaking point. She really polished the hell out of this movie. I've been rooting for Wilde's directorial career since Booksmart and was a little sad that it seemed to dwindle with Don't Worry Darling, which admittedly wasn't that great. I'm so happy she has finally swung back and hit a total home run with her third film. This is easily the best of the three and also one of the best movies of the year.
The Isolate Theif
⭐️⭐️1/2
Genre: Western, Thriller
Director: Jon Suits
Starring: Sean Bean, Mackenzie Foy, Odeya Rush, Joe Pantoliano, Ty Simpkins
Mackenzie Foy stars as an orphaned daughter manning a supply outpost during the Civil War. Outlaws show up, posing as Union soldiers, taking advantage of her shelter while looking for stolen gold that she might actually know more about than she lets on. Decently made, if theatrically dramatic. There is the skeleton of a good movie here, but certain aspects have developed lopsided in askew attempts to manipulate an emotional reaction. It's a film that feels like it was made by a promising amateur who is still learning satisfying dramatic beats. Foy is good in it, Sean Bean is good in it, and the thriller conclusion does hit reasonably well. I liked this movie, but I also can't overpraise it. Nor is there a lot to say about it except that it almost had something.
This one hurts. I don't want to say bad things about anything Moana. I'm such a huge fan of the first one and the mediocrity of Moana 2 was already bad enough. Now, Disney has handed us one of their weakest live-action adaptations, and then told us "You're Welcome." The original Moana is a very special and beautiful movie. In translating it to live-action, one would hope the primary ambition would be to keep its majesty. Instead, they made a live-action version of a cartoon that is made with real people but aspires to still be a cartoon. What can I say except "No, thank you."
Like the original, Moana is a young Samoan girl who journeys into the dangerous ocean to seek a demigod name Maui to help her return the Heart of Tafiti to the land that he stole it from. It was already turned into a great movie, so turning it into another one that is practically the same should be easy. Sadly, that's easier said than done, as we only need to think back to last year's How to Train Your Dragon remake and groan. The film lacks the cynicism of How to Train Your Dragon's production because there is a semblance of heart to this movie. That's not enough to recommend this movie, but it accounts for something. The problem is that the movie chooses to adapt nothing. It copies and tries to replicate the whimsy to the best of its abilities, but the quirks of animation are hard to replicate in live action. This was something that Disney's Aladdin remake knew quite well, when it knew it couldn't replicate certain things from the original in the new format so it found a new vibe that suited it. If Moana leaned into being a movie with showstopping song-and-dance numbers, they might have fixed this. The remake really wants to be just be Moana again, and in trying to produce a lavish live-action musical, it just looks weird.
And "weird" is just the one word that describes everything about this movie. I assume the only reason the movie was made was because Dwayne Johnson really wanted to play Maui in live-action, but the live-action Maui looks odd in how much they're trying to replicate the cartoon look and still make him identifiably Dwayne Johnson, right down to a goofy wig and a strange, nipple-less muscle suit (I'm still unclear on why Johnson needs a muscle suit, because he has never been not ripped, but I'm also not going to ask). Additionally, a character like Heihei doesn't really work in live-action. It's like if they kept the little Eddie Murphy dragon for the live-action Mulan. They opted against it, and while the movie wasn't great, it would have been much worse if they kept him. The same goes for Tamatoa, and the new rendition of "Shiny" is just an awkward nightmare.
On the positive side, Catherine Laga'aia really is a wonderful choice to play the title character. If the movie ever promises to actually work, it's because Laga'aia is fully embodying Moana's spirit. The roots of such a powerful story and an amazing character are here in this movie and it's frustrating to see the movie fumble it so hard. I love Moana. That will never change. The fact that a movie that went this wrong did nothing to waver me from that stance is a testament to how fucking good that original movie is.
Night Nurse
⭐️1/2
Genre: Thriller
Director: Georgia Bernstein
Starring: Cemre Paksoy, Bruce McKenzie, Eleonore Hendricks, Colleen Rose Trundy, Mimi Rogers
A newly hired nurse at a retirement community is assigned to a scam artist who plays psudo-sexual mind games with his nurses and enlists them to participate in phone scams on the residents around them. The film is made with a deft and intentional touch by first-time director Georgia Bernstein. She has a very specific vision for this movie and one can't say she doesn't go for it. It's a movie designed to make one feel uncomfortable but just made me feel impatient. Watching this movie felt like reading someone's oddly specific senior/nurse erotic fiction that was littered with spelling errors and plot inconsistencies that they tried to self-publish in hopes of it being the next Fifty Shades. I feel like I would be more forgiving of this movie if the psychology of the attraction between the main characters had a sensible allure to it. It feels like the movie never tries to understand the mental seduction taking place and asks us to just roll with it because it has no intention of justifying it. What we're supposed to believe is that somehow this guy has this hypnotic effect on every woman who looks him in the eye and he basically creates a harem of nurses for his own pleasure. It's amazing how much of a slow burn this movie is while just waffling around without actually fleshing itself out. I admire the commitment to an unconventional erotic crime noir, but there needs to be just as much effort in writing your screenplay as there is coming up with the vibe of your movie.
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Mockbuster
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Streaming On: VOD
Genre: Documentary
Director: Anthony Firth
Starring: Anthony Firth
MSTies everywhere should be familiar with the Asylum, that little studio that makes low budget fare that are mostly knock-offs of upcoming blockbusters. Bad movie enthusiasts are most familiar with their Sharknado and Mega Shark franchises, while Atlantic Rim was featured on the twelfth season of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The most recent flick from them that I watched was Frankenstein's Bride, which I reviewed a couple months back and gave it the predictable bad rating. Most who have watched their films have likely done exactly the same, if they ever bothered to finish it. But there is another side to the coin and that's the industry that produces these oddities. Have you ever been curious about it? I mean, there are a lot of assumptive criticisms of the company: they're cheap, they rush production, they hire bad actors, they leech off of more successful productions, ect. Well, now we have a documentary to expose the reality behind the studio, and the reality is that all these criticisms are true. But while it's not exactly more complicated than that, the new Mockbuster documentary also shows you exactly who the people who make these movies are and what they get out of the experience. And there actually is a more soulful answer to that than you might expect.
Mockbuster follows struggling Australian filmmaker Anthony Firth, who could never get a foothold in the film industry. On a whim, he decided to send an email to Asylum, asking them if they were interested in a new director. They practically hire him on the spot ("I just asked this company if I could direct a film and they said yes. After all that, I just had to ask someone?"). He flies to Los Angeles to meet with them and is told that he will be assigned to make The Land That Time Forgot, an adaptation of the public domain Edgar Rice Burroughs novel, which was previously adapted into a film in 1975 (featured on MST3K's eleventh season) and also by Asylum themselves in 2009. When Firth asks why they would make the same movie twice, they just respond "That's a stupid question. I'm not answering that." But, if I were to answer that for them, they basically needed some dinosaur movie to leech off of Jurassic World: Rebirth in 2025. He is told he has six days to film the entire thing, they don't have a script yet, and pat him on the head, wishing him good luck.
There is a lot of spice to seeing the inner workings of Asylum and it's fun to see how the perceive themselves. They know what they make, but they justify it by saying Hollywood also makes bad movies, they just spend much more on them. They also claim that companies go bankrupt in chasing artistic ambition, which is why they don't try. To be fair, that actually is true. Selectively true, but it does happen. The budgets they talk about in this movie remind me of the discourse around Obsession and how it cost less than a million dollars to make. It's interesting to compare the type of movie Curry Barker made with preparation against the movies Asylum chooses to knock out with the same budget. One wonders what they could produce if they handed that type of money to just three starving artists like Barker and just let them cook. Maybe they'd lose money, but maybe they'd also hit the jackpot. But they won't because there is higher risk. They claim the most issues on their own productions happen when a filmmaker tries to get too artistic. That's why they don't want that. "We're barely above porn," they say. Disagree. Asylum is below porn. Porn has a thriving industry and countless independent "artists" that gain worldwide attention because of the wide appeal of what they're selling. Asylum has a product that only appeals in a small niche and barely anyone pays attention to.
"The trick is to get people who are new to the industry and don't know it's impossible to make a film in six days."
What I actually found charming was the actual filmmaking process. What's interesting is that, while you wouldn't know this from watching the films themselves, they do try to hire capable people. The problem is the production timeline. Everyone needs to be ready to shoot and ready to run. The actors aren't necessarily bad, they just need to hurry. They say their lines swiftly so they can get to the next scene, and if they fumble, they just have to rebound quickly. There is no time for nuance. And the inefficiency of the film's brief pre-production provides a roadblock. They lose valuable shooting time because the studio has yet to approve costume design and won't allow them to shoot until they greenlight it, which practically turns their six day schedule into five. And even still, they're left with a rushed script that is likely too ambitious for the money they have, which causes them to become creative, like their make-shift submarine hatch made out of wood that looks like a grey pipe in a Mario game. But there are some standards. "You can't film in front of a garage and say it's a battleship."
Mockbuster also has some interviews with somewhat respectable names who have gone through the Asylum process. They all seem to share a knowing smile of a secret of what it's like to film one of these movies. They are also upfront about what such projects lead to and the positives of them. It's interesting to put perspective on some of this, because movies like these are largely, and probably rightfully, dismissed. But it's worth hearing them out, because they seem to believe the experience is worthwhile. One could say the same for Firth, as he was on set every day, dealt with the frustrations, watched the tempers flare, but got to say he directed a movie. And he also got to film himself doing it. And while it wasn't always sunshine and roses, you got to see the joy on their faces when things are going smoothly and everyone is having fun. Maybe these movies are trash, but my respect for the people who directly made them grew just a little. After all, "A bad movie is better than no movie."
Starring: Carla Gugino, Lou Taylor Pucci, Katherine Isabelle
Carla Gugino takes in troubled cousin Lou Taylor Pucci while weird neighbor Katherine Isabelle looms around. Isabelle turns up dead, and Pucci is the main suspect, though Gugino discovers there is probably something supernatural at play. The most interesting thing about Lockbox is that it's based on, of all things, a podcast. I'm not sure how many movies I can say that about, but the only immediate one that comes to mind is Kevin Smith's Tusk. Lockbox is specifically based on an episode of a horror anthology podcast called Knifepoint Horror, which I know little about except that they seem to be audio plays of horror stories. I don't know if Lockbox's episode is considered the best example of it, but if it is, I can only assume something was lost in translation when it turned into a feature film. Quite frankly, the movie has a couple of inventive moments, but it's a flat and boring experience. There is an inefficiency to this movie that was constantly nagging at me. It was made with promising intrigue, but its delivery of it is clumsy and it only gets more awkward as it goes. The most power in the production is in Katherine Isabelle's iconic wig. Isabelle isn't used enough in this movie, and she totally commits to her quirky bit and vibes with what the movie is shooting for. Nothing else about the movie really aims as high as she does. The main mystery lingers too long and the resolution does not satisfy what interest they lay out, and the third act is a mess. The most positive feeling I have about this movie is that every time I read the title, it sounds out like the SNL version of Al Gore during the 2000 Presidental Election. That's a joy.
Minions & Monsters
⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2
Genre: Comedy
Director: Pierre Coffin
Starring: Pierre Coffin, Trey Parker, Allison Janney, Christoph Waltz, Jessie Eisenberg, Jeff Bridges, Zoey Deutch, Bobby Moynihan, Phil LaMarr
The only word of advice I ever give to any parents out there is that there are two things that are universally beloved across all children in the world that you better get used to: one is Toy Story and the other is Minions. And lucky us, we get a new movie for each in 2026 that come out within a few weeks of each other. And while I wouldn't label Toy Story 5 as the best of its franchise (despite being an uptick from the previous film and Lightyear spin-off), Minions & Monsters is easily the best Minions movie, the best Despicable Me movie, and is very likely the best movie Illumination's animation studios have produced up to this point. What's funny to me is that the Minions are more limited characters than Gru and his family, yet the Despicable Me movies lose their imagination as they go and the solo Minions movies somehow grow more inspired and stimulating.
Minions & Monsters predates all the other films in the Despicable Me universe, taking place primarily in the 1920's and 30's, while also sidelining the main Minions characters from the previous two Minions movies in favor of new ones who look and act exactly the same (I don't want to say "all Minions look alike," but...). The Minions of this movie continue their quest of finding villains to serve, and their quest leads them to Hollywood, California, though if they're looking for the most evil person there, they're a few decades too early for Harvey Weinstein. The Minions shenanigans proves to a strength in silent film, where they shine in their own Keystone Cops kinda film series. But like many in the silent industry, the Minions struggle to make the transition to sound, which means this is the same basic story as Singin' in the Rain, only with witchcraft, because the Minions concoct a scheme to make a monster movie by conjuring up some real monsters for what they hope to be their big cinematic opus.
I did not expect this movie to be this smart. Everything about the movie plays to the Minions' strengths. In terms of pure slapstick comedy, taking the Minions and setting them loose in old Hollywood is a genius idea. They shine when paying homage to their silent film inspiration, while the awkward transition to sound works because they speak mostly in gibberish. If your ambition is something so simple as non-verbal characters thrown through vignettes of scenarios strung together by a loose idea, this is the best way to do it. Nothing about the movie is overthought, and all the minor characters and villains mostly exist to scoot the Minions from one scene to the next. The movie's plotting can be a little choppy, but it's just so fun. I was grinning from ear-to-ear ten minutes into the movie and it didn't let up until the movie was over. It's like sitting down to a Roadrunner cartoon when you're a child. There is not much to it, but the imagination and the execution is what elevates it to being your favorite of all the Looney Tunes. Minions & Monsters is full of confidence in just how to maintain that level of cartoony mayhem and it's an absolute blast.
Young Washington
⭐️⭐️
Genre: Drama, War
Starring: Jon Erwin
Starring: William Franklin-Miller, Mary-Louise Parker, Kelsey Grammer, Andy Serkis, Ben Kingsley
Jim Henson's Founding Father Babies!
Angel Studios celebrates the 250th Independence Day with a movie dedicated to the first President of the United States, George Washington. Primarily, it focuses on a pre-USA Washington, who is trying to work his way into the British army as the Brits wage war with the French in the 1750's, and eventually becomes more protective of the Virginian colonists that raised him. The film tries to be a portrayal of Washington lighting up that little spark within himself that helped lead the American Revolution to victory. Based on that, the movie is perfectly fine. Inoffensive, if unambitious. Angel seems to desire to make sure the spirit of the Hallmark TV movie stays alive. If that's the only goal of a movie like this, one can't say that they failed. In a vacuum, many of the scenes in Young Washington are solid enough. But as the movie indulges in itself, that familiar feeling overcompensating melodrama begins to sink in and any engagement the movie might provoke starts to die. It's a movie that just cannot help itself, because it wants to hit an easy note of one-dimensional patriotism that just makes its audience nod there head and go "Oh yeah, 'Murica!" It's a very simplistic patriotic idea that its catering to, one that's uncritical of something that's pandering directly to them. For those who do think critically about what is playing in front of them, Young Washington is one-note on repeat for two hours. I didn't hate this, but I also need to call it out on its crap.
