Welcome to my blog dedicated to movie riffing! Here we will journey through the many episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the files of RiffTrax, the DVDs of Cinematic Titanic, and hopefully many others.
Join me, won't you?
What goes through my mind when I think of the Volume 8 collection of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes is just how aggressively bad the movies are. Hobgoblins, Monster A-Go Go, and The Dead Talk Back are among the more painful films MSTies have ever endured and here they are in a cluster, just begging for us to watch them again for some reason. Also a campy space movie. That one is at least cheesy fun. Because of this, I wouldn't recommend this set for newbies. Phantom Planet might be a decent episode for beginners, but the others...woof.
That being said, for seasoned veterans of the series who don't care how bad the movies are, Volume 8 is solid fun. The episodes feature some pretty good riffing, though one might admit that the set is very Mike-heavy (Monster A-Go Go is the only Joel episode here). For me, best episode of the set is a close race between Hobgoblins and Phantom Planet, but I'm going to give the slight advantage to Hobgoblins because it's more memorable. Monster A-Go Go holds the bronze, while Dead Talk Back gets a participation trophy.
Average Rating (out of 4): 3
Video is mostly good, with the exception of The Dead Talk Back, which gets a bit wonky. Audio is mostly solid. This set features no bonus features of any kind.
The box art is one of my favorites, which features a glowing MST3K logo rising above a garbage dump, where a garbage can full of film stock is seen with the words "Volume 8" spray-painted onto it. Opening the set finds interior art of an abandoned drive-in theater playing Hobgoblins. Disc art is very busy for this volume. Hobgoblins features a sewer lid with the words "Mystery Science Theater 3000 spray-painted on it, and a newspaper with the title of the episode laying on top. I'm not 100% sure what Phantom Planet's disc art is supposed to represent. It looks like a record with white tape stuck to it and a garbage sticker on it. Monster A-Go Go's looks like a film stock can with a bunch of stickers on top. The Dead Talk Back's appears to be the most movie related, as it replicates the look of a roll of recording tape.
Disc menus are basic Rhino design. Hobgoblins has the scene with the Hobgoblins highjacking a cart playing with floating images of the cast in bubbles, while Tom Servo hovers around as the Terminator. The Phantom Planet sees the titular planet floating by the viewscreen of a rocketship, while characters from the movie spin around on a wheel at the left hand side. Monster A-Go Go's features a window of a space capsule (while a smaller space capsule is seen outside it) where scenes from the movie plays, while Tom Servo bobs around in the theater seat below. The Dead Talk Back features the a chainlink fence and a bunch of gizmos from the movie, while a green line wiggles to funky music. All menus are accompanied by theater seats featuring Joel, Crow, and Servo (as usual for Rhino sets, Mike does not replace Joel on the Mike episode menus).
Volume 8 was eventually re-released by Shout Factory, with improved video for Dead Talks Back. This set also includes some bonus features, including interviews with Hobgoblins director Rick Sloane, Monster A-Go Go director Bill Rebane, and Dead Talk Back star Myron Natwick. Also featured are trailers for Hobgoblins, Phantom Planet, and Monster A-Go Go.
I don't recommend this volume for beginners. But if you're new to the show and you have this volume in front of you, I might suggest popping in Phantom Planet before the others, because it's the easiest to digest. If one wants to own this set, Shout's release is the better package. However the Rhino set is worth owning for it's beautiful box art. Either way, these are good episodes that are well worth watching for all of the show's enthusiasts.
Starring: Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank, Tamara Clatterbuck, Duane Whitiker, Jeffrey Culver
MST Season: 9
The Movie
Comedic low budget sleaze was a hot ticket in the 80's, where you knew your movie probably wouldn't good enough to be taken seriously in whatever genre you're attempting, so you make it with so much of your tongue planted firmly in cheek that you can claim to be a "parody." This use of the "parody" sign was usually just a mask for lack of budget, time, or, in some cases, talent. This became the entire business model of Troma Entertainment, while some filmmakers, such as Jim Wynorski, built an entire career on it that continues to this day, where it's more of an excuse for soft core pornography than for any sort of non-naked entertainment value.
Enter Rick Sloane, a young director who got his start making films of this ilk, having films like Blood Theater, The Visitants, and Vice Academy under his belt (the latter would be his signature franchise, spawning five sequels, all directed by Sloane). Hobgoblins came out at a time when there were a bunch of little humanoid-critter-terrorizing-people movies, such as Gremlins, Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies, Newsies, and whatever. Sloane puts together a bunch of green puppets and makes one of his own, with his signature crass humor and low budget.
Hobgoblins is the tale of Kevin, a teenager who is taken on as a security guard at a movie studio. The elder guard, Mr. McCreedy, hides a dark secret. Many years ago a space ship landed in the lot, which carried several creatures from space called "Hobgoblins," that can make your fantasy come true. They can also pervert your fantasy into killing you for their own amusement. McCreedy trapped the Hobgoblins in a vault many years prior and Kevin accidentally unleashes them once again. It's up to Kevin and his friends to track down the Hobgoblins and return them to the vault.
The film attempts a sort of Monkey's Paw "be careful what you wish for" narrative, but it doesn't quite get there. The Hobgoblins like to turn people's fantasies against them, but it's rarely in a creative or interesting way. One character fantasizes about going "all the way" with a phone sex hotline worker, to which she appears of course, then tries to kill him by pushing his car off a cliff. I mean, I guess that's a play on deadly fantasy, but it's not a huge sell on this idea. Then there are fantasies that are just inane, such as an army veteran who finally makes it home to his girlfriend and he fantasizes about his superior making him toss grenades in a nightclub? Okay...sure. There are other campy horror movies that do this in more creative ways. Wishmaster for example, which is not a great movie, but does more with the idea than Hobgoblins does.
If Hobgoblins has anything going for it, it's that Rick Sloane keeps telling the story through an absurdist lens. Everything looks ridiculous. The actors all act ridiculous. The costume design is ridiculous. The Hobgoblin puppets are ridiculous. Everything is exaggerated to comedic effect. Whether or not it's "funny" is where Hobgoblins could either succeed or fail. I think Hobgoblins had been put into the hands of stronger comedic talent, even with the exact same budget and resources, this movie could have been more amusing. Its jokes are groaners, its delivery is poor, and it seems like its primary laugh is how over the top it is. That's kind of amusing for a few minutes, but it gets cumbersome if you don't have anything to prop it up.
But there is some sort of "Watching cable at 3 AM" sort of appeal to the movie, where if you were thirteen in the mid-'90s and stumbled upon this dumb thing playing on USA or TNT or whatever and it's playing after some low-rent National Lampoon movie or something, then you might stick with the stupidity you're watching and guffaw "Uhhuhhuh...that van's rocking...huhhuh...they're DOING IT..." Those who have never lived through times like that will likely be left lost by the movie.
The Episode
"Bobo. Brain Guy. Get.....THE movie."
Pearl has been saving a movie. One for a special rainy day for when Mike and the Bots have really pissed her off. Mike, Crow, and Servo won't stop jumping on her new couch, which is just enough to send her over the edge. Opening a toxic container, she pulls out today's little gem.
This little intro marks Hobgoblins in a special class, a movie so bad that even the Mads note it as possibly being too nefarious for even their purposes. This puts Hobgoblins in that exclusive bracket with Castle of Fu Manchu and "Manos" The Hands of Fate, bringing fierce expectations. Fu Manchu was borderline nonsensical, while Manos was startlingly amateurish to the point that it made the viewer uneasy that they were watching it (if only because that movie comes off like watching it is like watching the cursed video tape from The Ring). Is Hobgoblins worthy of such depiction? Personally, I've seen enough movies like Hobgoblins to know it's not unique, but if this type of filmmaking were new to you, then perhaps this bizarre little rabbit hole of filmmaking stupidity will seem startling. Is Hobgoblins a "fine" example of this type of film? Probably not. If anything there is less creativity with its low resources than other examples of this type of cheap genre picture. Still, unlike Invasion of the Neptune Men, I don't fully think the reputation of being a brutal movie in this instance is unwarranted. I imagine for most, this is one of the most painful films that has ever been featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
A good portion of the riff features Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo cowering in fear of the movie, though that seems to be mostly a gag used to fill out the opening credits of the film, which is a fairly generic green-lettering-against-a-black-backdrop-while-playing-ominous-music affair. Crow and Servo try to leave the theater in tears, and it's up to Mike to drag them back into the theater. He isn't going to watch this movie alone, dammit! When it comes to the actual movie, Hobgoblins is a comedy, which is tricky to comment on. One thing they latch onto in the film is that very few people in this movie act like real people (everyone is a cartoon character to some extent), so even if they're comedic they're easy to make fun of. They take each character's defining personality trait (Kevin's a whiner, Daphne's a slut, ect.) emphasize them in ways that are much funnier than what the movie has to offer. Old Man McCreedy gets quite a bit of the funniest ribbing, which portray him as more of a senile old man ("Oh, why did Hoover lose!").
But the riffing highlight is a musical number during the Club Scum sequence, where the band called the Fontanelles is playing a song called Kiss Kicker 99, but the entire presentation of it is so incoherent and the lyrics are so nonsense anyway (I've looked them up and yeesh) that there is really nothing else for Mike and the Bots to do except project onto it. And believe me, the riffs make this song much better than it actually is, like a section where they cover it like they're singing out the menu to the bar. They also try to figure out what the title lyrics are to the song (to be fair, the band is switching back and forth between "Kiss Kicker" and "Boot Licker," so it's easy to get lost in what they're singing). They go back and forth between such amusing possibilities like "Kid Snickers" or "Iced Chicken" before finally settling on the idea that they're actually singing "Fish Picker."
In addition to Mike and the Bots jumping on Pearl's couch, the host segments are highlighted by a delightful segment where Mike and his cybernetic companions try to escape from having to watch the end of the movie, by replacing themselves with cardboard cutouts and pre-recorded dialogue ("Boy...this sure is a bad movie, won't you?"). This tricks Pearl momentarily until they break down. Wonderful sketch. The other sketches don't impress me as much. I understand Crow's documentary on Women being a jab at urban legend documentaries, but it's just such a strange idea that doesn't really serve a purpose. The Hobgoblins Hotline probably had potential, but I don't think Bobo's call was quite the payoff it deserved. The opener and closers are more amusing. While I think the "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On" sketch is a bit weird, there are some good laughs there. And I like Servo's turn as the Terminator at the end.
How bad Hobgoblins actually is tends to be a bit hyperbolic, but for a select certain group of viewers, this movie will undoubtedly one of the worst things they've ever been subjected to, so I'll give it a pass. One think I will agree on is that the anguished terror that Mike and the Bots have for this movie helps propel Hobgoblins into an episode that is very funny, and it makes the episode better than it probably would have been without it. I don't think this episode is Manos-level memorable, but it's a solid and reliable episode to pop in to make you laugh like a goon.
Good
The DVD
Hobgoblins made our fantasies come to life when Rhino released it as a part of their Volume 8 collection. Audio and video were both pretty good, but there were no bonus features.
Shout Factory re-released the Volume 8 set under their own label many years later, with a transfer that was virtually identical. However this edition included an eighteen minute featurette called Hobgoblins Revisited, which was originally released on the Hobgoblins blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome. This is mostly an interview with writer/director Rick Sloane, who discusses his idea for the film and the production of it. Sloane even leads a camera crew around filming locations for the movie. Sloane also clears the air about the film's use on the series, in which he was previously rumored to have personally requested the film's use on the show. It turns out that it was a half-truth, as he was licensing his Vice Academy films for the USA network at the time, while the company also owned the Sci-Fi Channel, which was airing MST. Someone made a request to Sloane as to whether he had any sci-fi/horror movies in his filmography that they could use on the show, and he offered them a few to choose from. He assumed they would have wanted a different film called The Visitants, but it turned out the people at Best Brains Inc. were much more interested in Hobgoblins. He claims he enjoyed the episode, but believes the "Interview with Rick Sloane" that closed it was "a little mean."
Starring: Suzanna Leigh, Guy Doleman, Frank Finlay, Catherine Finn, Michael Ripper, Katy Wild
MST Season: 9
The Movie
*I HAVE SURVIVED WATCHING THIS MOVIE UNRIFFED*
The first draft of the script to The Deadly Bees was written by Robert Bloch, who penned the novel Psycho, which was soon adapted into the famous film by Alfred Hitchcock. The Deadly Bees owes a lot to Hitchcock's followup to that feature, an adaptation of the short story The Birds, which Alfred turned into a movie about a blonde bombshell running from superimposed birds. The Deadly Bees is a movie about a blonde bombshell running away from superimposed honey bees. This particular blonde is an overworked pop star who is sent to rest on a bee keeping farm, only to suspect that the beekeeper might be hiding a secret deadly swarm that he uses to attack people.
Based on the novel A Taste for Honey, The Deadly Bees was originally written by Bloch as a vehicle for Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee (which I would have loved to see, mind you). Scheduling/payday issues and rewrites led to neither actor appearing in the film and Karloff's character being replaced by Suzanna Leigh's pop idol character for some added sex appeal (I guess if we can't have Karloff, an attractive woman in a nightie will suffice). Apparently the film was altered so much it only had base similarities to both the original novel and Bloch's screenplay.
Despite being directed by a Hammer Horror veteran, Freddie Francis (who directed Nightmare, The Evil of Frankenstein, and Dracula Has Risen from the Grave), The Deadly Bees features very little flair. It's a fairly plain looking movie that takes a while to get into motion. Once it starts getting into the meat of killer bee action, the film superimposes swarming bees on the screen and glues large plastic bee replicas to the actors' faces, never really creating much of an illusion that anybody is in danger because the bees and the actors always seem separate from each other.
But if there was something about this movie that I think is it's major failing, it's the lead character, played by Suzanna Leigh. Leigh is pretty decent in the movie, and a lovely woman to boot, but she's too much of an outlier. Most of the film takes place on humble little ranches and countrysides, and for some reason the filmmakers feel as if their main character needs to be a glamorous singer from the big city who just happens to be there. It gives her ignorance of the situation to allow the mystery of the bees to play out, but the clash between the two classes does nothing for the film. She could have easily been a distant family member visiting for the weekend, rather than contriving a story about a stressed celebrity trying to avoid anxiety on a bee farm.
That being said, the movie is okay enough. At the very least, the mystery element is fairly well told. The red haring misdirects might be all-to-obvious for a casual viewer, but it's a fair journey for a low-key killer critter movie like this. The clash between Hargrove and Manfred provides some character interest, even if their character tropes are cranked up to eleven to smokescreen the audience over who is the hero and who is the villain.
I have a hard time picturing anyone having any strong feelings one way or the other about The Deadly Bees. The very most you could probably get out of it is that it's a painless way to kill eighty minutes. The least is that it's a shoddy little horror movie that doesn't feature much thrills or chills, which could make it boring. I don't hate it. I think it has some base charm to it, but it's not a movie I'd recommend.
The Episode
Previously on the Satellite of Love...
"DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT YOU! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"
And now, for the thrilling conclusion.
The unofficial British trilogy of the ninth season gets it's middle chapter with a batch of Deadly Bees swarming the theater. This movie isn't particularly engaging, but Mike and the Bots have a knack for poking their noses in every corner of it, searching for its personality and enhancing it. Character traits are already heightened for the movie (subtly isn't the movie's specialty), which means they choose to enhance them even more. The bickering between the Hargroves is turned into a loveless, angry marriage. The flirtation Katy gives Hargrove turns into a full blown affair. Vikki's paranoia is turns her into a clueless, easily manipulated bimbo. There are a lot of little things in this movie they latch onto and turn it into a quirk, which goes an extra mile in making this movie entertaining. But whatever they do for this movie can't help the movie's pacing issues. It's a bit slow and dull, and while making the characterization funnier makes it a bit easier to handle, waiting for something to happen in this movie is a thankless task and it sinks the experience.
Probably the defining moment of the episode is the very last scene, in which a ministry agent that was sent to investigate the killings arrives just a day too late, arriving during the end credits with quirky music, as a sort of a final joke to relieve the "tension" of the picture by taking a stab at bureaucracy. The movie assumes too much of the audience to remember them setting up this silly joke over an hour ago, and it comes off as just a random guy walking in on the movie that's already ended. The intent is there, but it's poorly delivered, and it leaves the riffers and the viewers at home a bit bewildered.
"Hello? I'm here for the movie, am I late?"
Naturally, the Bowler Hat Guy becomes a recurring gag during the end scenes, in which Jim Mallon wanders into the host segments with a Bowler Hat and interrupts them, tipping his hat as he walks by. What does he interrupt? Not a whole lot on the Satellite, which is mostly just random, goofy skits like Mike portraying the body movement of bees or Crow reading a sonnet to Hargrove's wife. At Castle Forrester, it's another story, as the Observers return to take our Observer with them to rebuild their society. I like the idea of this storyline, but I feel it's underdone. It's told with minimal screentime and mostly seems to be present so they can set up a silly song in the middle of the episode (which isn't particularly great, in my opinion). I thought the climactic mind battle between the observers was cute, but I can't help but feel there could be more done with this story and it became mostly a throwaway.
Highlighting the host segments is the intro segment, which dishes out "Previously on the Satellite of Love..." while Mike and the Bots play out a bunch of cliched soap operatics that would have happened if the show were a drama. It's probably one of the best host segments of the entire series.
I think a solid argument can be made that The Deadly Bees is the best episode of the mini-British invasion of the ninth season of Mystery Science Theater. Unfortunately that doesn't really allow it to rise above middling. There are some pretty good chuckles here, and I can see this episode being something of a sleeper hit episode where someone would hear its title and say "Oh! I really like that one!" For me, the movie is a bit too dry, and the riffing gives it a much needed energy, but not enough to make me come back for more too often. It's worth a look though. Maybe you'll love it a lot more than I do.
Overall, I give this episode twenty-eight stars.
Minor Note: They have some fun with this episode's end credit sequence, as prop diva Beth "Beez" McKeever is credited as "The Deadly Beez." She must have been tickled by the title to this movie.
Average
The DVD
The Deadly Bees hasn't swarmed our DVD shelves, but Shout Factory included the episode's host segments as a part of their Satellite Dishes host segment compilation on Volume XXXIX, along with the other unreleased episodes.
When Volume 10 of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 box sets came out there was much rejoicing. The fan favorite episode, Godzilla vs. Megalon, was released for purchase in home media and it was glorious. But all was not well. See, the episode wasn't exactly obtained legally, and the box set was soon pulled.
At the time, Godzilla vs. Megalon had a lot of question marks around it's US legality. Technically the film is in public domain (presumably this is how it wound up on MST in the first place), but it's not quite a black-and-white scenario, since the Godzilla trademark is still the property of Toho Company Ltd., which means anyone interested in licensing of the film would still need to go through them. Toho had already licensed the film out for a lengthy contract, but who that company was had been uncertain to most. For the record, the company it was licensed to was Goodtimes, which was bankrupt and didn't have the resources to release it.
As of this writing, Godzilla vs. Megalon is licensed for distribution to Janus Films and is released through their Criterion Collection blu-ray line, as well as their Criterion Channel streaming app, so all is well on that front.
The MST version is another story. During this period of confusion, Rhino Home Video was negotiating with a shady company called Krypton International, who they had previously licensed Women of the Prehistoric Planet from. Krypton claimed they were the company who owned the US rights to Godzilla vs. Megalon and they licensed it out to Rhino. Toho got wind of it and, in the words of Frank Conniff on this DVD set, "Toho said Noho." Turned out that not only did Krypton not have the rights to Godzilla vs. Megalon, they also didn't have the rights to Women of the Prehistoric Planet either (which is owned by a gentleman named Wade Williams), which meant that not only did Volume 10 have to be pulled, but Volume 9 had to go too.
This is why we can't have nice things.
Volume 10 was eventually reissued with a replacement episode that was a nice and safe public domain movie called Giant Gila Monster, and it included a funny skit with Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, and Frank Conniff as a "Sorry! We'll do better!" Can't complain about that. Folks who had already purchased 10 also had the option of purchasing Gila Monster by itself through Rhino's website.
As to which set is better, that's largely going to depend on whether or not you prefer Godzilla to Gila. Personally, I do favor the Godzilla episode, but one thing I will note is that whichever set you have, the episode in that specific slot is definitely the best episode featured, because Gila Monster is a pretty good episode too. But that's not to say the rest of the episodes on this set don't stack up. When I look at the episode list for Volume 10, it strikes me as a comfort food menu. The episodes aren't particularly great, but they're an endearing good time. Godzilla/Gila is the highlight, though I wouldn't say no to Swamp Diamonds, Teen-Age Strangler, or Giant Spider Invasion, all of which are just about even in quality and very funny. Swamp Diamonds does get an advantage for having a very funny short, while I might prefer Spider Invasion over Strangler (but that battle comes down to microscopic details).
Average Rating (out of 4, both sets): 3
Video on all of the episodes averages out to be pretty good, and audio is great as well. I'll tell you, having Godzilla vs. Megalon in this pristine a condition is a godsend. Now if only we could get Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster too. Bonus features were highlighted by an edited down version of the Poopie II blooper reel. Also featured were a Video Jukebox of songs from the show (edited from the Play MSTie for Me videos) and a photo gallery. When Giant Gila Monster replaced Godzilla vs. Megalon, a few more bonuses were added, including the afore mentioned skit with Joel, Trace, and Frank which demonstrated how to "replace" the Godzilla vs. Megalon disc (though if anybody was dumb enough to throw it away, that's their loss). Also on the Gila Monster disc was an interview with the film's star, Don Sullivan.
Dinosaur lovers will love Rhino's box art, which features a close-up of a tyrannosaurus on it's cover, and he's wearing a dog tag that says "Volume 10" on it. The background is a lot of prehistoric rocks, a lake, and an active volcano, while an orange illuminated MST logo hits the earth, like an asteroid. This box art was retained for the 10.2 rerelease. Interior art featured a burned up landscape with dinosaur skeletons, presumably representing their extinction. It's pretty cool art. On the disc art front, exclusive to the original Volume 10 release, Godzilla vs. Megalon's disc is a platter of sushi. Replacing it on the 10.2 release, Giant Gila Monster is represented as a white-walled tire. Featured on both sets, Swamp Diamonds has a pair of handcuffs, Teen-Age Strangler has a phone dial, and Giant Spider Invasion has a tarantula on a web.
Moving on to menus, Godzilla vs. Megalon's is rather simple, as it just plays clips from the movie. It's replacement, Giant Gila Monster, is a CGI landscape with a, wait for it, giant Gila monster. Swamp Diamonds features overlapping images of the swamp. Teen-Age Strangler is a brick wall and an alleyway, where all the shady characters of the movie peak their heads out of, including Mikey and Mike Nelson as Mikey. Giant Spider Invasion is a blank blue wall with a CGI spider on it, as little spiders crawl around the screen. All of the menus feature the Shadowrama theater seats at the bottom of the screen, with Joel in the middle theater seat (even if it were a Mike episode) with the exception of Giant Gila Monster. That one is just a plain menu, probably because it's a last minute replacement.
Years later, Volume 10.2 was rereleased by Shout Factory, predictably leaving Godzilla vs. Megalon in the wind. With that episode's exclusion, Godzilla vs. Megalon joined Amazing Colossal Man (which had a VHS release in the 90's) in the exclusive club of MST episodes that Rhino released that was never released by Shout Factory. The release was their standard rerelease package, in a slim DVD case with the MST logo against a starry backdrop with the theater seats at the bottom (the top of the package humorously refers to the set as "Volume X.2"). Interior disc art is the traditional starry backdrop with the episode titles, and the menus are the traditional starry backdrop, episode title, theater seats, and closing theme to the show. This set retains most of the previous bonus featuresThe only exclusive bonus feature to this set is a featurette borrowed from the VCI blu-ray release of Giant Spider Invasion called Spider-Man: Looking Back with Bill Rebane, which features director Bill Rebane reminiscing about the film. Also featured is an archive of the DVD menus created for the previous set, minus Godzilla vs. Megalon.
There is no way around it, if you're lucky enough to own an original Volume 10 DVD set, then it should be considered the crown jewel of your collection. It was unfortunate to see it get pulled, but at least briefly we had an episode we never thought we could own on home media. Volume 10.2 is a decent and affordable replacement, but the original is the prize to seek.
Starring: Beverly Garland, Carole Matthews, Mike Connors, Marie Windsor, Jill Jarmyn, Susan Cummings
MST Season: 5
Short Featured: "What to Do on a Date"
The Short
A little advice to those who dare ask the question "What to Do on a Date?," a date can be anything. You can go get something to eat, you can go get some coffee, you can go to a movie, you can go for a walk, you can even stay home and watch TV or hang with family and friends. And yes, it can even be sneaking up into someone's room and mutually taking each other's pants off. What makes something a date is the company you keep, common interest in the activity, and whether or not they have that serious condition known as "I think I like-like that person!"
What to Do on a Date is a short about a guy named Nick, who has that "like-like" feeling for a girl at school named Kay. He is goaded into asking Kay to the movies, but while Kay is enthusiastic, she has already has seen the picture. Nick then asks Kay to help out at a scavenger sale, which he initially thinks is a dumb idea, but they both wind up enjoying the activity quite a bit.
The short's point is the same as my opening paragraph. A date is anything. Rob's issue is mostly jitters of being labeled a dork for asking her to something mundane or that can be considered work, basically. Knowing what type of activity your partner may want to do is a scary prospect, because you haven't gotten to know them well enough to know what that mutual enjoyment is. What to Do on a Date is simple and old fashioned, but some messages never change, and this is one of them.
Minor note: The actress playing Kay played a character named Kay again in a short titled "More Dates for Kay" (which was riffed by Rifftrax). Sorry to hear you and Nick didn't work out, Kay, but good for you getting back on that horse!
The Movie
Roger Corman starlet Beverly Garland stars in this early Corman film, the first of several collaborations, included fellow MSTed films It Conquered the World and Gunslinger. In this film, Garland is one of several convicted felons who know the location of stolen diamonds hidden in the swamp. The police decide to stage a breakout with a policewoman working with the escaped convicts posing as a fellow inmate, but the plan doesn't exactly go smoothly.
Originally titled Swamp Women when it was released, the film is about what you'd expect from a film directed by Corman about women in jail. It's a bit sleazy and exploitative, often feeling like it was only made so we can see two women wrestling in the dirt. But dammit, those gals wrestle in the dirt well.
There isn't a lot to make of the plot, which feels like it could have been interesting but it mostly done simply so it can be filmed on the cheap. Most of the drama comes from the in-fighting among the convicts, while there is a bit of extra tension once civilians get dragged into their scenario, which potentially puts innocents in danger. If characterization was Swamp Diamonds' strong point, this might be some exciting stuff, but instead even when a character is presumably eaten by an alligator,it's hard to generate any sort of reaction except apathy. Most of the characters are blank and angry, and just want to wrestle in the dirt.
Swamp Diamonds is a pretty nothing movie with a mildly engaging concept but it simply goes on for too long without much to draw our attention for 80 minutes except hot pants. Not helping is the print here is pretty washed out, which isn't the movie's fault, but it doesn't help when you feel like you're watching a giant blob of khaki.
The Episode
There is a quaintness to What to Do on a Date that is a lot of fun. It's easy to just make fun of its old-fashionedness, though all things considered Joel and the Bots keep the ribbing friendly. They more or less mostly make jokes about Nick's awkward first date attitude toward Kay and how easily it could be crashing and burning. Probably the biggest laugh of the short is when Nick comes up with the idea to go on another date at a weenie roast, to which the trio respond with the slang-term generation gap response of "NICK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" There is also a slight bit of sexual attraction riffs between Nick and his friend Jeff, as the short opens with the two of them in a field causing Crow to respond "These two are on a date?" There are a few more lines that follow it up, but I find this particular gag amusing because of the quaint old-timey heteronormative nature of the short and the fact that it's not a mean spirited gay joke. It's just a funny idea that Nick starts this short with a desire for Kay only to deal with his feelings for Jeff. That's good comedy.
The short bleeds into the host segments, which rides on the concept of embarrassing first dates by having the short inspire Tom Servo to ask Gypsy (the only lady character on the show, except maybe the disembodied Magic Voice) out on a date. What makes these segments so endearing is that they are a great platform for Servo's trademark self-confidence-is-a-mask-for-own-littleness trait. Servo is very assured in what he is doing, even if what is actually happening is contradicting how he believes it will play out. Crow is a bit of a mischievous antithesis to Servo as he is just kind of a snarky side-player who cuts the legs out from under Servo at every chance he can get.
"It's Lucy and Viv in the big house!"
Since the short and the host segments are so interlocked, the movie portion can get drowned out. This makes Swamp Diamonds a bit of a questionable movie selection for this episode, because the film is fairly drab and awkwardly paced. But season five is peak riffing for the trio of Joel, Servo, and Crow and they know full well what they're doing. Since we're dealt a lot of female interplay in this movie, the riffers get very catty and gossipy, just about every lady group cliche you can think of. But it's a Corman feature, so that can't be the only target. Lacking production, questionable characters, and poor editing come under fire as well, especially a hilarious scene where a hostage is killed by an alligator, which is just so haphazardly assembled that even the riffers are confused by its assembly ("I can't wait for all these movies to come together!").
It's a pretty solid episode, even if the movie itself can prove to be underwhelming in comparison to everything else that is going on. But I'll give it credit for being constantly enjoyable and funny, right down to a swell Invention Exchange bit where Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank invent a TV where they can watch what they'd be doing if they weren't at home watching TV. I myself do not want to picture a world where I'm not watching my MST though, so you can take that reality and shove it.
Good
The DVD
This episode was featured on Rhino's Volume 10 box set, as well as it's Volume 10.2 reissue. Audio and video were both good, and there were no bonus features. Shout Factory rereleased the 10.2 set under their label, featuring a bonus compilation of Rhino's DVD menus from their box set.
What to Do On a Date was one of the shorts featured on the Shorts Volume 2 compilation on Rhino's Volume 3 set. This compilation was featured as a special online bonus disc for The Essentials box set, while Shout Factory featured it on their Singles Collection.
The 2018 Turkey Day is really a tale of two Turkey Days. It marked the first time the Turkey Day marathon didn't actually air on Thanksgiving, and that was because Netflix dropped the entire twelfth season of the show on Thanksgiving day, in celebration of the thirtieth anniversary of the show. The classic episode Turkey Day hit a week prior, which made the occasion less momentous. In a way, the entire twelfth season is the 2018 Turkey Day marathon. Unfortunately it didn't have specialized bumpers to go with it.
This year is similar to last year, as Joel Hodgson and Jonah Ray discuss the show in a couch interview format. The difference between this year and last year is that the previous year's Turkey Day aired after a new season which means the hosts were openly talking about it, while this Turkey Day airs before the new season and Joel and Jonah can't say too much about it except that "It's coming!" They mostly find themselves talking about the importance of the episodes they've selected for this year, including one from the first season, the introduction to Pearl, and the final episodes of Trace and Frank.
On the subject of our feast full of episodes, 2018 is probably the least appetizing Turkey Day since its inception. Things get off to a sour start with my least favorite episode of the series, Moon Zero Two, which is a popular first season episode that I clearly just don't jive with. Things rebound with Warrior of the Lost World (even though it's a repeat from the previous year) and, a personal favorite, Bloodlust. Samson vs. the Vampire Women isn't quite the low point that Moon Zero Two is, but it's also a dish I don't personally care for. Classic MST closes out with Laserblast, which is fine enough. Then to close the marathon we're given the surprise addition of a Jonah episode in Cry Wilderness, which is one of the better episodes of the day, so we end on both a shock and a high point.
If I were to make an observation on the episodes selected, this is really the first Turkey Day to include a season one episode featuring Josh Weinstein since 1995, and it's also the first to show a Jonah/Hampton/Baron episode at all. They miss a step by not offering an episode from the Sci-Fi era of the show, so we can see Bill Corbett's Crow in action. There is a missed opportunity to celebrate every era of the series here that's kind of wasted.
As for the twelfth season episodes, I'll save that for a season overview. Long story short, they don't help nor hurt the marathon in any way.
These segments are very brief, but the affair concludes with a small sneak peak at the behind-the-scenes of the twelfth season, The Gauntlet. There was some neat footage and even a few tasty riffs. Adding into the fact that The Gauntlet can be considered the true Turkey Day marathon this year, the whole shebang is moderately enjoyable instead of a must see. I wish it wasn't the case, but the Turkey Day magic just isn't here.
Here's the thing about this Turkey Day, while I can appreciate that it was put together while the latest Live Show was still touring and a lot of the cast was unavailable, there isn't a whole lot to say about what's here. The theme this year is that the Bots are bored while taking a break from the latest tour while all of the humans are visiting with their families for the holidays, including their handler Emily Crenshaw (played by Emily Marsh, who cameos in the first and last segments). Meanwhile, the Bots due little minute long comedy bits and introduce the next movie.
On the surface, I can see this is partially an ad for the Cheesy Circus Tour show (which I got to see when they toured Boise for one glorious night). It's mostly them selling their tour cast with Nate Begle as Crow, Connor McGiffin as Tom Servo, and Yvonne Freese as Gypsy's mini-counterpart GPC. The bits are cute, but that being said, the problem I'm having with this crew being here is that Turkey Day is a celebration of the television series, which means not having the Bots voiced by the crew of the TV series feels very odd. And people who weren't able to attend the live tours have no idea who GPC and Emily are. This was especially off-putting as the revival show had recently been announced for cancellation just before this Turkey Day aired, and seeing a cast that is clearly not the TV cast doing these segments wasn't very reassuring or comforting about the future of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
But making all of this even more disheartening is the episode selection, which is not only full of episodes that have already had their Turkey Day love, but upon closer inspection is virtually identical to the 2013 Turkey Day marathon. The only difference is Final Sacrifice is swapped out for Laserblast, which is likely because Shout Factory had lost the rights to show Final Sacrifice. Even worse, Laserblast was featured on last year's Turkey Day. This lazy recycling of a Turkey Day just makes the whole experience boring, no matter how good these episodes are. There is no surprise here, no passion for the selection. This is just not something I can be enthusiastic about.
Technically with episodes this good, this Turkey Day should be a winner. But the little things cause it to wilt a little bit and grow stale. The episode selection is a cut-and-paste job and the bumpers are under par. It fulfils the Turkey Day needs, but there really should be more to it than this. Add into the fact that Netflix and Joel had just recently announced that the series wouldn't be picked up for a thirteenth season, this Turkey Day seems tainted and just uncelebratory.
